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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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programming: how my abuser silenced me
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description of all alters, in order of arrival

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Jul 03, 2011 3:34 am

***TRIGGER WARNING: SPECIFIC TRAUMA EVENTS GIVEN***

This is my internal family tree as best as I can determine. Most data I know, some is process-of-elimination. I list because it is what it is.

ADAM: original self, host, scarred by random stranglings and drownings by mother with multiple personality disorder (DID); baby who loves stuffed animals, especially wolf; terrified by new ritualized bound torture so went inside at age eight months and now may be getting older; seems able to walk IF he follows Little John walking; otherwise, has motor skills of a baby his age; barely knows any words but responds to human (internal) voices; may have stepped into the body at bedtime occasionally over last several years, but identifiable then only by a feeling of baby-ness and his odd breathing-humming

SPHINX: emotionless, genderless android-like gatekeeper, objective observer; internal helper but passive and non-intrusive in real world concerns (unfortunately); until recently his overriding reason for making choices was "is the body surviving"; broke from Adam at age three months (according to its calculations) in order to feign death so that DID mother in fear pulled body from water; flashback indicates “it” created Ashar; claims it created all alters but missed alters Quato, Marc Dominic, and twins Hansel & Johann, who were created directly by John; seems to control all memories, but no longer controls who’s out; responds at length to all questions from John but may mislead if it doesn't want John to come to a particular conclusion; has chosen who is host

ASHÁR: protector of the core; born before age one, to take ritual torture; a wolf-dog, he seems primal, snorts and huffs, his teeth are always bared, clenched, ready to bite, quite vicious actually if triggered but only to a nearby torturer; quiet so far but seems to want to growl; now age 2 so presumably ritual torture ended before age 3, due to his biting the mother's index finger hard, drawing blood. Technically perhaps a fragment because only there to endure torture but spent a lot of time in the body. Triggered by body literally feeling tied down or by memories or images of infant held underwater or tortured

LITTLE JOHN: born at age eight months, replacing Adam as host; extremely quiet, rarely speaks or asks for or expresses need for anything, a tactic to avoid triggering mother's cruel alter; generally a pleasant, gentle toddler; though dependent on them, doesn't like mother or father; went inside and slept when lost in a store at age 2+; John encountered him in therapy in 1989; since then he continued to make periodic short visits to John, who indulged him but was unsure he was a real DID alter; his age now is 3; loves animals, giggles, cries; loves playing games, holding stuffed animals; has latched on to Jack as his "big brother"; personality very sweet, compliant, and nearly always silent unless addressed or expected to speak; usually tentative, but once out, tends to stay in the body, not wanting to leave; fortunately now testing his boundaries by getting pouty, even angry if feels himself pushed inside or ignored; brown hair, brown eyes

JOHN (aka JOHNNY): born at age 2+; host from age 2 onwards; replaced Little John because someone who talked and was “braver” was needed; odd inability to be physiologically shocked or jolted, even by sudden crash or scream a few feet away; yet not internally calm, always "on edge", holding high tension in jaw muscles; endured mother’s random torture, beatings and active threats to “cut it off” for any signs of masculinity with fingernails, scissors, razor blades, etc.; amnesic of alters, parental abuse and lost time; at age 3 set self the rule not to “go away” anymore (dissociate) in attempt to protect new baby sister; mostly homebound in childhood; normal sexuality made impossible by angry alter of DID mother physically punishing him for any indication he was a boy, while the father insisted his son become "a little man"; sissified and goody-goody until after alters went inside at age 10, after which consciously practiced toughening up; enjoys foreign cultures and people, languages; used reading and books as an escape from internal chaos and awareness of lost time; mostly gay fantasies but gay relationships never worked; for past two decades believed himself to be "gay man in straight man's body," giving up on idea of partnership with a male; auburn hair, brown eyes

HANSEL (John-John-John) and JOHANN (John-John-John-John) aka John III & John IV: non-identical twins born and remain at age 4; extremely energetic, active; Johann holds nausea, being whacked or spanked for not following sexual directions, and the emotional awareness of the father's betrayal, while Hansel comforts him and may hold nausea as well; revealed themselves in a flashback; for a period, John heard them talking inside and called for them to come help him in undesired sexual situations with father; John treated them to time out on rides at fair, toys from father because they had helped him and needed to be treated fairly; came from same sexual abuse as Quato (next alter), but maybe not from the same incident; Quato unaware of their existence; Sphinx had no knowledge of them either; they take turns with the body when out, passing it back and forth regularly and generously; both friendly, Johann more wary; they talk and act like four-year-olds

QUATO (John-John): born at age 4; announced self as 44 but later said this was a lie, seems about 19; trickster, absolutely excellent liar when needed; undetected by gatekeeper or anyone; aligned himself closely with John; endured cruelly manipulative sexual abuse by the father in exchange for previously unavailable shows of positive physical affection; may have come to replace and rescue John, Hansel and Johann; has pulled pranks on John, popping out, moving or hiding things randomly, then popping back in; after announcing himself, feigned madness by speaking nonsense, bad poetry, lies mixed with truth, explicit sexual commentaries, sound effects à la Three Stooges and Looney Tunes; he mimicked others in the system perfectly; may never have slept but has unknown activity level; seems to operate mostly by heavily influencing John without John's awareness; straight, but until recently pushed John toward gay fantasy in a subconscious move to normalize abuse; revealed himself via a Facebook prank on John after John ranted about feeling he-John was a liar incapable of telling the truth; only topic he refused to joke about was the little sister; readily converses with John; fairly parasitic of his space; street-smart, cynical, sarcastic, street-talking, rambling, wise-cracking, hyper-sexual, irreverent, kinky, matter-of-fact, iconoclastic, unapologetic, prone to unusual emotional outbursts; actively and overwhelmingly loathes convention or establishment things, being the opposite of Jonathan in this aspect; can influence John quite strongly when needed; helps him mix successfully with uncultured, uneducated, crude, dangerous or very masculine people; claims orange hair, green eyes; straight with a gay addiction; nicknamed by John for Kuato, a parasitic mutant from film Total Recall

JONATHAN: born at age 6 to take over and help John forget father’s molestation; from then on replaced John in all one-on-one interactions with father, becoming father's non-sexual companion; father aware of his difference from John and called for Jonathan often; cleaned up a variety of messes; rather stiff in manner and language; like father, judgmental of weird or irresponsible people and somewhat xenophobic, though that's disappearing; enjoys dressing up, suits, business; diligent in preventing John from knowing of multiplicity; attended much of second grade for John, probably more; strongly influenced John to move to NYC and work on Wall St; rational, conservative, responsible, hard-working, clean, tidy, organized, careful, calm, competitive but not aggressive; went or forced inside at age 10 (by Jack or gatekeeper) but remained as influential internal helper until age 33, when he had to take over for two days, revealing himself and the multiplicity; “went to sleep” over guilt that he “broke the rules," fear that the body might have AIDS, and hopelessness over John's gayness; after age 33, gatekeeper zapped him awake and sent him out with no explanation to provide brief emergency rescues or fixes when John went into emotional overwhelm a few times each year; until recently, completely calm and unflappable, didn't respond to insults; black hair, blue eyes, straight

JACK: born at age 7 to endure sexual abuse by father; a hillbilly speaking genuine Appalachian dialect (we've researched his accent and grammar); "memories" of being a poor kid in Kentucky who ended up staying with distant Midwestern relatives (John's family); friendly but unhurt if someone doesn't like him; extremely gregarious but in youth hampered by need to pass as John, who has no accent; internal pressure to sound like John; loves plants, farms and farm animals, small towns, simple folk; dislikes cities and is skittish of loud or sudden sounds, esp. urban sounds like sirens; can't eat spicy food, vision was at first much better than host's; walked long distances in order to seek out new friends who didn't know John, but had one best friend nearby, whose parents were "hillbillies"; he was effectively raised by this poor family; agreed by all inside old enough to understand to be the most like what the body would have become if there had been no abuse; preserved and lived out the boyness John could not: roughhousing, running, cussing, getting dirty, being outside, sports; though sounds like a redneck, he's not at all, being open-minded and non-judgmental; picked a fight with any kid he saw bullying a smaller child or a sissy to teach the bully a lesson, always winning because he went for the win over shielding the body; vigilant to expunge any evidence of bad character in John, such as lying or petty theft; created purely as alter to absorb abuse but soon began taking over body when he wanted, perhaps up to a third of the time; prefers jeans, plaid shirts or T-shirts; largely independent of family interactions and influence, though fond of little sister and taught her how to hide; became creative at avoiding abuse, finally punched father in face at age 10, ran away; soon after, went inside, taking Jonathan with him, to force an end to the abuse; slept until 2011; redhead, brown eyes, straight

DAN (erroneously called Dack): born at body age 9 (but maybe as a teen alter) to take over Jack's anger at innocents (like John) putting themselves in harm's way (because Jack would pay); soon viewed as potentially “bad like the father” by Jack and Jonathan, so “strangled to death” internally by Jack; for months, he returned when called, with abundant emotion, but quickly re-died; came back to life in Sept 2011 when he overheard that he only "thought" he was dead; physically inclined, quick to anger, matter of fact, grammar slightly uneducated; a macho jock, quite a surprise to the host, who considered himself a sissy in childhood; angry much of the time and can be aggressive, except around a child; not enough independent time in the body to develop real depth although his basic personality, attitudes, point of view are all well-formed and unique; blond hair, blue eyes, straight

MARC-DOMINIC: Always older than host. Shapeshifter of sorts. Changes from internal self helper to disciplinarian based on what he thinks John (host) "needs" at the moment; sophisticated, handsome and worldly like a James Bond or Cary Grant; formed at age 12 after the others went inside and John was lonely and needed older guidance or fantasy, but before father's death while body was age 12; by flooding in a sense of sophistication, entitlement, and patrician status, prevents John from feeling any intimidation by rich, powerful, judgmental, arrogant, controlling, or highly educated people; a sort of high-brow counter-part to low-life Quato; feels he is a fragment and wishes to integrate sooner rather than later; salt-and-pepper, hazel eyes, bisexual?

AARON: Probably created "accidentally" by John around age 44. John had the thought that if his suspicions were right and he actually had DID, he should be able to just make up another alter and become him for good to get him out of the mess his life was in. As he recalls, this alter did in fact show up and took over the body for a while, but John figured it was just a thought exercise or him pretending to be a character, as he often did to entertain other people. Aaron has exactly the personality and characteristics John imagined he would have ideally liked to have become, a masculine, self-confident, centered man. And Aaron is definitely here. Although a paper thin alter now, he would probably "fill out" with more time in the body. We're not sure that's a great idea but we have definitely considered using him as the center into which the rest of us can one-by-one integrate.

CHARLES: Believed created by John in early childhood by molestation by English grandfather. We don't known him very well yet. He has spoken to us in an American accent and, when very upset, in an English one, so the latter may be more natural to him. He stepped into the body for the first time 3/23/12. He is sweet, very hurt, and very sad. Any mention of the grandfather now catapults him into the body in emotional overwhelm or flashback.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Sun Apr 29, 2012 3:48 am, edited 26 times in total.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: description of all alters, in order of arrival

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Dec 09, 2016 3:40 am

Well, this is funny. 13 known alters, whereas 5+ years later we know of 54 alters. This list doesn't even include two of our three hosts. Pretty typical for someone wih DID, the finding of new alters over time, not the number of alters, which is much higher than average.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: description of all alters, in order of arrival

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:27 am

A new blog post covers everyone, all 74 of us, currently: https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Johnny-Jack/summary_of_who_we_are_b-10602.html

03-15-2019: there are 74 of us. Jeebus, we're getting into the range of polyfragmented.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Sat Mar 16, 2019 5:04 am, edited 3 times in total.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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