Psychology and Mental Health Forum

Author:  Johnny-Jack [ Mon Sep 22, 2014 6:57 pm ]
Blog Subject:  dark times

Things are dark for me. I cry often, and I can tell this is mostly a six-year-old part of us, though he and I are close, despite his age. Occasionally now, I feel that in his greatest pain, he can speak for us as one --- almost. I despair. I wonder if there is a part unknown who wants us to die. I wish that were true so we could work with that part. But we're fairly sure that we're all in despair because of the reality of our life. We've been broken and alone for decades and we don't see any shining city on a hill for us. We want the darkness, the oblivion. I want it.

I am currently in slightly more communication with key, older alters who have either not or barely been participating for over a year now: Jonathan, Quato, Dan, Aaron, and to a great degree Marc. This is every non-child alter and for a system with dissociative identify disorder, non-communication, especially among major parts, is a disastrous situation. In addition, Jack, our second largest and most independent part, has been asleep, losing time all the while, except twice when triggered awake for a brief couple hours. Luke's whereabouts are unknown. One by one, it appears we're giving up.

The teens and adults have very serious disagreements with me, about the choices I have made and continue to make the past year or more. They know that I make up in ways 90% or more of our system, that I've been the one out for decades with little input from any of them. Most alters were in hibernation so I was left to make choices myself, unaware of the DID, and my choices have been disastrous for achieving a fulfilling life. I don't blame me and none of the rest of us do, I simply didn't know any better. I just knew I was confused, often depressed, had suicidal thoughts daily, but had no consistent sense of what underlay everything. And I had a long parade of sub-par therapists. Plus I probably didn't have the ability to trust the decent ones anyway. DID is built to shield other parts, particularly the host -- me -- from knowledge of abuse. I was kept in the dark by automatic responses and the single, overriding goal was to keep the body alive. This, unfortunately, was at the cost of building a life worth living.

Now I am left with a life-like existence that I don't want and my oldest alters don't either. They all want it to end but none so far has stepped forward to say they will take the final action. I doubt they could do it anyway, I'm too powerful still in my system. It's all very sad, I can see that if I were to comment on someone else in my shoes. I didn't do anything to put myself in this situation, but here I am. My parents and some other relatives were sometimes decent but often monstrous. It is what it is. A lot of other people receive undeserved woes. But at least we have choices as to whether to go on. I am thankful for having further choices.

The sadness is simply overwhelming and much of it is a six-year-old's. I ruminate on suicide for many hours each week: what I need to do to prepare, how I must wrap up legalities and financial issues, if I'm to escape in at least a partly ethical way. If I force myself to change what I'm thinking about, to get out of the darkness for the moment, I find I've drifted back later. It seems I have nowhere else to go. I'm spending $175 twice a week for a very experienced therapist, maybe half reimbursed by insurance. I'm trying, I show up and I listen. There's some movement, but not much in a positive, "we can do this" direction. The adults mostly want out . And so do many of the littles, the only alters who've been out. And half of the time they go back inside crying in great pain for various reasons, mostly of an awareness that they're not small children, somehow they aged considerably and there's nothing left for them.

Ultimately, we're just one person. But dissociative walls keeps in place the experience of being many of us. Rather, no one has the experience of being more than one. We're all simply here, individuals who are separate but who (mostly) realize we're in one body. Many understand logically that we're all the same person. But understanding doesn't create the experience of unity.

I've written probably 10 similar blogs like this and deleted them all. Hopefully I won't do that now.

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