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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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Casper, age 4. Alter #32

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Jan 11, 2015 1:03 am

We met Casper in therapy on 1/6/15. Before that day's therapy session, as suggested by my T, I asked myself a series of questions, beginning with...

Why do I stay up late playing games (which are not fun) or doing obsessively repetitive things instead of going to sleep?
Our alter Cole should want me to wake up early to go outside, so why does this run counter to his need?
Is there any abuse at night, like in the morning, do I get awakened out of bed?
Is this the only time of the day that's mine?

I write more but none of it seems to click. In therapy though, as stuff starts coming up, my T hands me the stims to begin EMDR and everything accelerates.

I am in bed but not asleep. I am young, my body very small in my childhood bed. My father and sisters sound like they're asleep but I remain awake, alert. I hear my mother tiptoeing in. I am a boy and someone inside her doesn't like boys. Boys need to be punished. She begins to slap me. I hold my hands over my face but she is strong. She pulls the sheets partly over me, to hold my arms down and to muffle the smacking sound.

The little boy who has come to rescue me has to block the hurt somehow. His face stings so bad but he can't stop her. Whimpering makes it worse. Like so many of us, he leaves the body, dissociates, to escape. He imagines if he were a dead boy, he couldn't feel it. Isn't that what dead means? The burning still breaks through. If he were the ghost of a dead boy, he wouldn't even have a body to hurt at all.

As I re-witness all this I learn his name. Casper. My whole body begins to cry because we instantly know what this means. He took his name from the cartoon but he doesn't look cartoonish. He is a dead little boy and you can see through him because he is no longer among the living. He can't run or play or move or speak. He endures this randomly for two years.

We realize now that for decades he can keep us from sleeping if anyone not known to be safe is awake nearby. Perhaps he also makes us go numb, dead, when things become too overwhelming or painful, not physically but emotionally. We have much work to do to heal him.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Mick/Mxyzptlk, Hoyt, Eberly, Flynn, Cam, Cully, Abel, Will, Tuck, Gordon, Pehr 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. twins Hansel & Johann, Bartholomew, Casper, Raisin Annie, Scott, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Ben, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark 1. Zeb, Adam <1
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Re: Casper, age 4. Alter #32

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Dec 29, 2016 2:22 pm

Given that we have pounded the head in rage when we can't sleep, I'm afraid this points to the mother hitting us hard on the head as well as the slapping we knew of. I record this here because somehow slapping seemed less abusive than outright beating us. What sick pieces of $#%^ her bad alters were.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Mick/Mxyzptlk, Hoyt, Eberly, Flynn, Cam, Cully, Abel, Will, Tuck, Gordon, Pehr 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. twins Hansel & Johann, Bartholomew, Casper, Raisin Annie, Scott, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Ben, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark 1. Zeb, Adam <1
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