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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
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Casper, age 4. Alter #32

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Jan 11, 2015 1:03 am

We met Casper in therapy on 1/6/15. Before that day's therapy session, as suggested by my T, I asked myself a series of questions, beginning with...

Why do I stay up late playing games (which are not fun) or doing obsessively repetitive things instead of going to sleep?
Our alter Cole should want me to wake up early to go outside, so why does this run counter to his need?
Is there any abuse at night, like in the morning, do I get awakened out of bed?
Is this the only time of the day that's mine?

I write more but none of it seems to click. In therapy though, as stuff starts coming up, my T hands me the stims to begin EMDR and everything accelerates.

I am in bed but not asleep. I am young, my body very small in my childhood bed. My father and sisters sound like they're asleep but I remain awake, alert. I hear my mother tiptoeing in. I am a boy and someone inside her doesn't like boys. Boys need to be punished. She begins to slap me. I hold my hands over my face but she is strong. She pulls the sheets partly over me, to hold my arms down and to muffle the smacking sound.

The little boy who has come to rescue me has to block the hurt somehow. His face stings so bad but he can't stop her. Whimpering makes it worse. Like so many of us, he leaves the body, dissociates, to escape. He imagines if he were a dead boy, he couldn't feel it. Isn't that what dead means? The burning still breaks through. If he were the ghost of a dead boy, he wouldn't even have a body to hurt at all.

As I re-witness all this I learn his name. Casper. My whole body begins to cry because we instantly know what this means. He took his name from the cartoon but he doesn't look cartoonish. He is a dead little boy and you can see through him because he is no longer among the living. He can't run or play or move or speak. He endures this randomly for two years.

We realize now that for decades he can keep us from sleeping if anyone not known to be safe is awake nearby. Perhaps he also makes us go numb, dead, when things become too overwhelming or painful, not physically but emotionally. We have much work to do to heal him.

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Re: Casper, age 4. Alter #32

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Dec 29, 2016 2:22 pm

Given that we have pounded the head in rage when we can't sleep, I'm afraid this points to the mother hitting us hard on the head as well as the slapping we knew of. I record this here because somehow slapping seemed less abusive than outright beating us. What sick pieces of $#%^ her bad alters were.
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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Johnny-Jack
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