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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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Cal, age 30. Alter #57

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Jul 13, 2017 10:21 pm

Yesterday we distinguished Cal a very host-like alter, whose slightly hoarse voice we've been noticing for a year or perhaps much longer. His personality seems similar to John's, so when he switched in front it wasn't apparent to any of us, including John or Cal. Cal seems lighter in spirit, less burdened, younger, more hopeful and positive. He may be even younger than 30 and it definitely feels that he arrived at a younger age. He's fairly gentle, inclusive and team-oriented, in fact that seems why he's become distinct now.

We know we have to start communicating again but there's something blocking John somehow and John was quite committed to internal communication. He still is but it just doesn't happen as much as a couple years ago. So yesterday Cal just stepped forward and addressed everyone in a way John doesn't anymore. Cal's voice is thin, higher and a bit creaky. He and then we realized that, aha, this was not John.

Since he's been around and voicing his opinions for a long time, we're actually pretty used to him and feel we know him. We just thought he was John. We've noticed the slight change in voice quality and wondered if others have. More recently, a colleague said "your voice just changed, what was that?" but we weren't aware of it at that point. So that may be different, maybe a sign there's yet another as yet unidentified alter.

The birth name is John and in childhood we heard names like John Henry, John Brody, John-Luke, John Calvin, John Watson. It's a clear pattern that we have alters with the John-linked names Henry, Brody, Luke, Cal, and Wats.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, twins Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Cal, age 30. Alter #57

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Tue Jul 18, 2017 3:59 am

Well, Calvin isn't as old as we first guessed. Our best estimate now is he's 15 and only seems older because he took over from an adult and was able to hold onto some of the maturity. A similar thing happened with Mick. like Mick, when Cal stepped into the body more alone, on his own, he was much more of a lost kid. Plus his gate is more like a younger person, energetic but a little lost.

It even crossed our mind that he is newly created because he has no memories, though that seems very unlikely. Why on earth would we do this? Several of us have lost access to most of our own memories and it feels like he has a background even if none of us can describe it.

He's gentler than a lot of us, softer, but thoughtful and careful rather than weak. This makes sense because we call on that sometimes, as when we're around small children who don't know us or who seem scared.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, twins Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Cal, age 30. Alter #57

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:24 am

In a description we wrote down for him, we said he was a "team player" and could help with therapy. For over a year we had almost no evidence for that. He hadn't visited in therapy which had been run almost exclusively with John at the helm. After a while, the description of him felt false or wishful thinking or a complimentary comment.

Well last week 11/28 he suddenly fronted in therapy because John (me) couldn't deal with stuff coming up. We met new alter Sheldon, who endured a newly discovered but early pattern of abuse by the father. The reason it was so overwhelming for John is that Sheldon was in the line of "inheritance" with John, along with Carter and maybe Max. Just like Carter being triggered can flood John more than others, Sheldon being triggered floods John too.

So John being overwhelmed and our having no other alters to run things in therapy, Calvin suddenly fronted and kept us moving. Bow we had even the sense he could help with therapy, I'm not sure but it feels like our internal self helper Sphinx makes these assessments and pushes them to me when I'm looking or asking for info, as when I'm writing descriptions of who specific alters are. Pretty sure that's mostly what's happening.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, twins Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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