March 2020
February 2020
Yesterday we distinguished Cal a very host-like alter, whose slightly hoarse voice we've been noticing for a year or perhaps much longer. His personality seems similar to John's, so when he switched in front it wasn't apparent to any of us, including John or Cal. Cal seems lighter in spirit, less burdened, younger, more hopeful and positive. He may be even younger than 30 and it definitely feels that he arrived at a younger age. He's fairly gentle, inclusive and team-oriented, in fact that seems why he's become distinct now.
We know we have to start communicating again but there's something blocking John somehow and John was quite committed to internal communication. He still is but it just doesn't happen as much as a couple years ago. So yesterday Cal just stepped forward and addressed everyone in a way John doesn't anymore. Cal's voice is thin, higher and a bit creaky. He and then we realized that, aha, this was not John.
Since he's been around and voicing his opinions for a long time, we're actually pretty used to him and feel we know him. We just thought he was John. We've noticed the slight change in voice quality and wondered if others have. More recently, a colleague said "your voice just changed, what was that?" but we weren't aware of it at that point. So that may be different, maybe a sign there's yet another as yet unidentified alter.
The birth name is John and in childhood we heard names like John Henry, John Brody, John-Luke, John Calvin, John Watson. It's a clear pattern that we have alters with the John-linked names Henry, Brody, Luke, Cal, and Wats.
Our partner
Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.
I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.
Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.
I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.
In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.
I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.
Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.
I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.
In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
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Cal, age 30. Alter #57
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Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters. Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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Re: Cal, age 30. Alter #57
Well, Calvin isn't as old as we first guessed. Our best estimate now is he's 15 and only seems older because he took over from an adult and was able to hold onto some of the maturity. A similar thing happened with Mick. like Mick, when Cal stepped into the body more alone, on his own, he was much more of a lost kid. Plus his gate is more like a younger person, energetic but a little lost.
It even crossed our mind that he is newly created because he has no memories, though that seems very unlikely. Why on earth would we do this? Several of us have lost access to most of our own memories and it feels like he has a background even if none of us can describe it. He's gentler than a lot of us, softer, but thoughtful and careful rather than weak. This makes sense because we call on that sometimes, as when we're around small children who don't know us or who seem scared. Forum rules
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters. Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
Re: Cal, age 30. Alter #57
In a description we wrote down for him, we said he was a "team player" and could help with therapy. For over a year we had almost no evidence for that. He hadn't visited in therapy which had been run almost exclusively with John at the helm. After a while, the description of him felt false or wishful thinking or a complimentary comment.
Well last week 11/28 he suddenly fronted in therapy because John (me) couldn't deal with stuff coming up. We met new alter Sheldon, who endured a newly discovered but early pattern of abuse by the father. The reason it was so overwhelming for John is that Sheldon was in the line of "inheritance" with John, along with Carter and maybe Max. Just like Carter being triggered can flood John more than others, Sheldon being triggered floods John too. So John being overwhelmed and our having no other alters to run things in therapy, Calvin suddenly fronted and kept us moving. Bow we had even the sense he could help with therapy, I'm not sure but it feels like our internal self helper Sphinx makes these assessments and pushes them to me when I'm looking or asking for info, as when I'm writing descriptions of who specific alters are. Pretty sure that's mostly what's happening. Forum rules
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters. Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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