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Jen123
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Avoidance
   Sun Jul 07, 2019 2:48 am

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Avoidance

Permanent Linkby Jen123 on Sun Jul 07, 2019 2:48 am

Well, it's been a real up and down roller coaster lately! I had to quit therapy because my free sessions were up at the center and I haven't found a new person yet. In the meantime I did get a prescription for antidepressants. They seemed to help but now I seem to be cycling up and down a bit. Not like up-up and down-down. Just mildly up and down and I feel unstable. And I'm soooooooo tired. I don't know if that's from the meds but I can hardly function.

I feel like half the reason I'm so up and down lately is that when I start feeling happy and better about myself I start having memories that cause me to feel degraded, humilated, and shameful. Especially shame. It's like my brain telling me, "oh you think you're a decent person......well, remember this!!" So it's been kind of difficult trying to restore my self-esteem.

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Today up and down

Permanent Linkby Jen123 on Wed Nov 28, 2018 11:50 pm

Today is $#%^ frankly. I thought I had some big breakthrough only to have someone say one stupid thing that completely derailed me. I can't figure out if I should keep these people who keep me down in my life.

But even more, after gaining so much through hard work in therapy that took years only to have it all ripped away by some psychopathic whack job. I know about happiness and connection now. I know that this disconnected state is a life that isn't worth living. I gave myself 1 year to recover back to some form of happiness and it's been a year and a half. It's not worth living. I don't want to work on it anymore. I don't want to keep fighting. I want to live. I want to enjoy my life. A lifelong fight for what?! For WHAT?! This is pointless. I've been here and been here and been here and been here. My life, my life it is not worth living.

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