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JaeAnn94
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Do I have Androphobia?
   Thu Nov 21, 2013 8:53 am

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Do I have Androphobia?

Permanent Linkby JaeAnn94 on Thu Nov 21, 2013 8:53 am

I have never had a good experience with men since a very young age so i have always wondered if its the reason why I havent been in a deep relationship in about 7 years and whether i have a fear or a phobia when it comes to men? When i was younger my father was very abusive towards the me, my mother and sister. But I would try to protect them by starting on him so he would hit me and not them. He would also cheat on my mother and always try to make out life a living hell. I had just recently found out that my mum has left him and her and my sister are doing well.

I guess this part of my life didnt affect me until now as my subconsious just denied because i was so young. It just became a norm for me. My first relationship with a guy didnt also end well. He started of as being very charming and he gave me attention that i didnt get growing up and i fell for his charm, I guess being young you are to naive to understand what is going on. Then three months into our relationship i could feel that he somehow changed. he wasnt attentive anymore, he would ignore me for weeks and then when i get used to his presence not being there he would come back and start being very rough with me. At first i though it was harmless and hr was just being "protective". He would always say that it was because he loved me and he didnt wanna loose me, and me being stupid and i belived him. On our 5th monthsary I found out that he cheated on me and got the girl pregnant. Lookinng back i felt so stupid and i was heartbroken. I realised i couldnt continue like this so i decided to leave him. But i when he found out that i was gunna leave him he blew up about it. he got up in my face and kept shouting at me, calling me all these names. He blamed me saying the only reason why he cheated was because I refused to sleep with him. During that time i grew close to one of my closes and bestest friends (which is a guy) and he heard the shouting. My ex raised a hand at me and my bestfriend came in just in time to stop it before my ex did something.

Since then i just get shakey around guys and I would have panic attacks. However, throughout the years my guy best friend has helped me sort of overcome this fear of mine. Before i wouldnt interact with any guys apart from those in my family. I would panic and shake everytime i would be alone with one. But my best friend really helped me. He would hold my hand and tell me that they are not gunna hurt me and he would even try to make me laugh. Anyway, it enabled me to get over this fear and now i dont get shakey as i use to. I still panic but i know how to control it and i dont get panic attacks anymore. Throughout the years I have sort of put a wall around myself and I am also dont trust people as easily as i used to. So the only people who that know about me being abused is those who are close to me.

However since then i have interacted with guys more and been more open and i went on my first date about 2 months ago. However I had to break it off because the boy kept pressuring me into going into the next level of our relationship although i did make it clear to him that I just wanna take it slowand i wasnt mentally and emotionally prepared for it. But he just kept pushing and pushing, I wanted to break it off with him 1 month into the relationship but i was too scared that he would try to do something. Anyway, with the help of my other bestfriend (this one is a girl), it gave me the courage to brake it off. When I going to meet up with him to i started shaking again and i started to panic. In the end, i managed to break it off and he didnt do anything he just said that i was too boring.

Now I can only really be friends with guys, I can't bring myself to be in a relationship with one. I mean I can still talk to guys but they all just end up being friends. My Guy besfriend and his wife who i am really close to worry about me which is understandable. I mean i try, I really try to push myself to see if i can overcome this fear but everytime i think or it i would panic and i just want to cry and run away.

Is this a phobia or a fear? and if it is a phobia how can i overcome this?

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