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HoneyLancaster
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Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Jul 03, 2011 2:10 am
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- July 2011
tolerating idiotic $#%^......
   Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:24 am
Doctors touch a trigger?
   Thu Jul 14, 2011 7:09 am
Scared of hospitals....
   Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:25 am
justifying abuse
   Thu Jul 07, 2011 8:16 am
u put urself in it.....
   Wed Jul 06, 2011 5:41 am
mood music
   Tue Jul 05, 2011 8:01 am
Me, myself, and I
   Tue Jul 05, 2011 7:37 am

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tolerating idiotic $#%^......

Permanent Linkby HoneyLancaster on Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:24 am

Haven't been here lately.... too sick or absorbed w newest computer project.

Also haven't been bothered by any of my previous abuse triggers or nightmares. Sometimes I find it best to come here while I'm triggered and thinking about the abuses I had as a child. This site may be wonderful and helpful but I see why so much is labeled "trigger".

Im here today because I realized just what a doormat I am. Few days ago, after askin hubby a question about his possible video gaming addiction (yes he plays every minute he dont work and calls in sick just to play).... next thing I know he waas screamin and spittin in my face while shoving me everywhere.

He kept tryin to drag me in front of video game to show me whatever it was. If I didnt comply, he grabbed, pushed, and shoved me everywhere not allowin me to leave the room.

Repeat demands on my part for him to stop finally got a question of "what r u gonna do about it". Right then and there I realized nothing and told him so. After that incident, he babyed me so much I finally just let it go. Any discussion on either side only led to more aguements so we agreed to drop it.

Why do I tolerate such things? Pls don't bother with telling me to leave and all the other typical statements given in such a situation. Im in absoutely NO position to leave and simply want to deal w it and learn about it.

I know it's probably a behavior I learned from my chidlhood abuse so I guess its a good site to ask this from maybe other adult surivivers like me.

"God will Give me nothing i cannot handle--i just wish he didn't trust me so much" - found this quote somewhere online and love it. Maybe add to my siggy here. xox
Honey

0 Comments Viewed 12154 times

Doctors touch a trigger?

Permanent Linkby HoneyLancaster on Thu Jul 14, 2011 7:09 am

I will be seeing a new GI doctor next week. My biggest issue is the finger up the butt test given at the end of an exam. It triggers pain, fear, tightness, shortness of breath, and extreme anixiety.

Being that I live in such a rural area, finding a GI was hard. My first and only GI doctor a few yrs ago constantly brushed me off and jammed a finger up there at the end of every freakin exam. Without a nurse half the time as well. So naturally I quit seeing him within a few months.

Problem now is my health needs right now really include a GI doctor and the nearest female GI is nearly two hours away. So how can I polietly make it clear that I will not subject to the anal finger blood sample thingy? Hell, I would rather have another colonoscopy under anthesia (was asleep for mine).

My husband says I rarely assert myself nor am upfront about anything that may require invasive tests/exams or possible surgeries/hospital visits and its clearly becoming a big health issue lately. Like being so sick I barely cook or clean in the past month yet when seeing a doctor I downplay all pains or etc so a doctor just says Im ok and gives me pills.

So how can I not offend this doctor or make him drop me before I even finish my first visit?

This is men's country living where I am in so I doubt telling him I was abused anally as a kid would be helpful. Can I just poop into a cup? Is there any other way around the blood sample needed from an invasive finger?

Took me many years just to handle the ob gyn exams, no can do with my butt though. That's simply too damn far for my mental stablity and I would just stop going regardless of all my health issues.

Anyway post or PM me if you have advice or been thru this before. Thanks for reading and allowing me to share here.

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Scared of hospitals....

Permanent Linkby HoneyLancaster on Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:25 am

I'm going to the ER later today and am quiet nervous about it. It's just for a possible recurrent hernia in my belly.

Problem is I am absoutely terrified of hospitals and have been dragging this until it got bad. I do that often. I feel like a little girl being dragged someplace SCARY.

I cannot even watch much of ER or Grey's Antomy because of this fear.

I suspect my fear of hospitals, intrusive doctors, needles, and so forth have to do with being abused as a child for many years.

Does anyone here have a way of dealing with anixety of hospitals?

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justifying abuse

Permanent Linkby HoneyLancaster on Thu Jul 07, 2011 8:16 am

I was subjected to emotional, verbally, physical, and sexual abuse my entire life. I can clearly recall incidents as far back as 3 years old. The worse of it has been shield from me so I dont know the extent of them, just certain bits and pieces.

As an adult, I've been in a number of abusive relationships. Each one is less abusive than the next. Yet I am still in an abusive relationship.

Why do I continue to justify it? Even defend it repeatedly?

I have a close relationship with my abuser who molested me from as young as 3 to 12 yrs old. The only time I ever confronted him, he vehementhly denied it and it faded into the background with no one believing it except my step mother who left him shortly afterwards.

I love my abuser to death and realize that he must have forgotten it since he was a heavy drinker then. He's been sober for years now. As an alchoholic myself I do understand black outs. He IS a good man otherwise. We have never talked about it or came close to it.

My current relationship just consists of verbal abuse. Maybe isolation as well. Plus it seems lately even my handicap is up for attack. I don't know.

What I do know is although my man might throw $#%^ around and yell, he don't physically attack me. He himself had a very abusive mother who hit and yelled at him for years. Some of the things he does is probably my fault or the way his mom raised him.

Logically i know I am being abused yet again and even defending it. I am probably also being an enabler. Its just that when I look back into my own childhood (God I NEVER wanna be a child again) and my last few relationship .... my current one seems better.

Anyways talking to a number of folks recently got me opening my eyes and wondering why in the heck am I justifying abuse in any form? Why am I even allowing my boundaries to be stomped all over?

Is it because at least my sexual boundaries are respected and he's never off partying or cheating? Is it because Im too scared to be alone? Is it because he doesn't hit me unlike previous exes? Is it because while he may be verbally abusive, he is at least not calling me names directly even though he cusses up a storm?

Am I defective? How can I be stronger? How can I fix things? Im too old to start all over and am too far from my home state with no funds nor car of my own to start over. No job skills either.

Sad thing is.... I'm noticing a steady increase in his abusive attitude. Got screamed at the other day for messing up coffee maker. Snapped at for asking to go to the store, Got my recliner chair flipped for complaining I'm lonely and tired of him playing his video game all the time when he is not at work. Bitched at for not going to bed at night yet again (i dread sleepin at nights for some reasons).

OMG.... I just previewed what I wrote and feel like an idiot. Why do I put up with it? If any of my friends were in such a situation, I would tell her to LEAVE.

If you read this far, thanks for reading. I just wanted to share and hopefully hear from others who have dealt with this.

Blessings!!

4 Comments Viewed 28181 times

u put urself in it.....

Permanent Linkby HoneyLancaster on Wed Jul 06, 2011 5:41 am

You know that dumb-assed saying "you put yourself in it"?
Or "You must have been askin for it"or any one of those phrases that refer to all the stupid $#%^ you got your self into.

As usual wondered WTF I'm doin with a verbally abusive ###$ and always living hand 2 mouth then just as quickly the pissy feelin fades into a fog of depression and all those insidious phrases mentioned above floats into my head without me realizing it until the next time I feel pissy.

Thought about that all day. A kind lady from here here spent all night listening to me here without a single judging statement. In fact, she often complimented me on my bravery and how far I got in life much to my bafflement.

Didn't quite sink it.... still hasn't but at least it got me thinking of just how often I belittle myself and allow others to do it. In fact I defend or justify such allowances. Made me wonder just how much I believe (regardless of stupid adult logics) statements claiming I got myself into these situation.

Does that mean when I was 6 years old approaching my abuser eagerly for more that I put myself in that enviorment? If it started from age 3 and stopped at 11.... wouldn't a person be "prepared or groomed" for such behavior that it wouldn't continue into adulthood?

Especially what if that "prepared or groomed" child had kept it a secret and never got any help for it? What if she stumbled about from man to man, one user after another, somehow feeling like she's got "ABUSE ME" written on her forehead?

Yes I may have removed myself from much more abusive relationships and really bad choices.... heck even quit drinking (im an alcoholic). I may be in a steadier home with a wonderful child who has perfect A's and awesome sweet pets. Yet I wonder.

No one is telling me those statements but I hear them nonethless and I sense them. It's a whispery voice I hear in my head and until today I was not aware of it.

The kind lady's encouraging comments last night and the way I discounted or brushed them off made me stop and think. Made me wondered about my boundaries and flippant attitude to my own wants/needs.

No I don't know where I'm going with this.... just wanted to share my revelations about myself, not that I know what to do with it yet. Still, its great that someone from this site actually took the time to be up until 6 am with a perfect idiotic whiny person like me. Thanks!

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