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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Hallusinating/proclaiming_obsession_b-3577_sid-fb1ead23bcfa5dd3bd7106f3d5cf27a8.html |
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| Author: | Hallusinating [ Mon Nov 05, 2012 1:13 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Proclaiming obsession |
Something strange happened to me as a child that i now look back at and see the damages it made. When i was 5 i lived with my mother and my stepfather. One day my mother sent me to the shop to buy ice cream. I was walking down the street happy because i had money to buy ice cream and happy because it was a good day. In the shop i heard a man talking. He passed me by as i was opening the ice cream and throwed the paper in the dustbin. When i came out of the shop he was in his car and he asked me if i wanted sweets. He was inviting me into the car. I had gotten orders from my mother not to respond to strangers so i said "no". As i turned around to walk away i thought it was strange he would ask me that question since i was holding an ice cream in my hand. There are many things i could tell you from that day, like how he looked at me when i said "no", and how i felt his annoyance(which i know now). I felt him getting agitated, a new kind of feeling for me to feel. The guy was a mass murderer who liked to torture and kill his victims. He was driving thru the town i lived in on a highway that lead to another city, the shop was located right by this main road, and i know he killed someone in that other town. There is only one road that leads to that town-and that was the road in front of the shop where i was that day. His name (i make up a fictive name here), was "Tom". A few years later a boy named "Tom" in my class tried to strangle me. I had a friend in nursery who was called "Aime", Tom (the killer) killed a girl by that same name many years later. Aime(the victim), had two teeth missing in front, the same as i did(but after i met him). I started to have fear for "evil" eyes, if i saw a poster with evil eyes i would look away and get scared. Aime was a lot like me. The murderer has admitted that he choose his victims out of his own emotions. I know he wasn`t that experienced when he first met me. I think he killed aime because he didn`t get me. His influence on me was big, as i have found out. I have been in the mind of a mass murderer, and it was not nice. A child should never be exposed to such kind of people. Up until then i had only known people in my family except for my stepfather, and then people in my nursery. All "safe". When i saw a picture of the psychologist who has treated Tom i felt as if i had seen him before. You could argue that this was all just coincidences but i know they weren`t. He was very professional killer who liked to kill other people. That was all he was good at. He didn`t leave much up for failure and it took the police many years to find out who he was. He was obsessed and i was vulnerable because i had lost my father and my siblings due to a divorce. I know that if i hadn`t gone thru that divorce then my mother and father wouldn`t have let me go that store alone. It was because i had a liberate/not caring stepfather who saw it as right to let me do things like that alone. I also walked myself to nursery every morning and took my first plane ride alone when i was 5(I didn`t fly the plane, i was a passenger). My father let me go because of many reasons which i shall not get into here right now. I think my case is interesting as to how much influence something has on a child. A child is like a sponge. Today Tom has gone out in the media proclaiming his guilt and asking for forgiveness. I cannot forgive him. I am always afraid. I think that its more critical when things happened during development. The mind is so flexible yet so impressionable, a disturbance like that sets precedence. I don`t like disturbed people and i feel as if i should never have been exposed to that. It somehow feels injustice. I was just in a good mood, and i understand if the mother of Aime hates that man with all her heart. I know he had some problems in his childhood but i still don`t feel ok with what he did. Like my sister once said you can have a lot of problems and still be a nice person. Just because $#%^ happened to him doesn`t mean he had to kill people for it. There is (at least) one more coincident, he had a twin, when i started at school there was a girl who was a twin, she lived at the top of the street where i lived when this happened. I just think its odd. Sometimes i wish grown ups knew what in balance in a child really means(looking at it from a retrospective angel). It was all so coincidental, yet not. He had molested children before. I am lucky to be a survivor-yet i hate that this happened to me. I had a flash back when i went to therapy many years later, and that`s when i remembered it. I am bitter with my mother because she was so indecisive, i am basically bitter with my entire family situation. I am not satisfied with the stepfather she made me live with for many years. I am really angry with her for not being a responsive and responsible mother. Living with bad memories can sometimes be enough to destroy good relationships. I hate my family. |
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