*TW*

Tbh, I don't know what to do at this point.

I don't have much money right now, so I can't quite afford therapy.

I either can't sleep well at night or sleep the whole ###$' day and it's causing me trouble with my job. I can't get fired because it's hard to get a new one and...

I'm about to go back to classes and I'm afraid I'll fail. I don't know how to keep working and studying and don't let myself go back to depression and anxiety problems.

Damn, I really wish I could just freeze the world and not do $#%^ for a while.

I can't lose my job, I need the money. I need to eat and pay stuff and buy groceries.

I feel like I'm a damn dissapointment to everyone. lol

I hate myself so much right now.

Still hadn't go to therapy. I think I could be able to go from May 16th.

I received a good advice and I was trying to act on this, it could be seen as something really small but it was surprising and nice for me.

I'm still worried about the problem with my friend, even if it looks like everything is okay now... I can't help but wonder if it's really okay. I want to explain her all that I can, but I don't know if she wants to know or if she will believe it. First I will go back to therapy and then I could tell her if she wants to know about everything, I guess, I don't know.

From time to time I keep wondering it this is real or if I'm faking it, lying to myself and to everyone else. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just delusional. And sometimes something happens, something DID-ish and then I'm or more confused or believe I have DID till the next doubting season. lol


A few days ago I woke up with a sudden desire to listen to an specific band, and when an specific song played, I felt like... I don't know, I felt as if I were... In love? It felt really weird, as if I was singing that song for a girl who wasn't there and I didn't even knew who she was. lol

Right now I'm listening to that song and it doesn't cause me the same reaction, so I'm not sure what the hell was that.

_
Adrian.

Well... I haven't made any entry here because I didn't knew what to write... Still don't know actually.

But I guess is a place where I can write whatever I/we want, so, yeah, here I go.

I need to go back to therapy. I know I should. But I want to found a job first because, seriously, I will starve myself again if I don't that and also go to therapy.

I'm a little worried about it. I'm living alone and... I know I don't know how to take care of myself. I usually tend to take care of others. Is easier I guess, or maybe more pleasing, I don't know.

In another note (?), a few nights ago I had a dream (nightmare?) with one of my concerns: I was hallucinating and pushing everyone away, prepared to hurt them if they tried to get any closer. But, funny thing, I was seeing myself from another body, I mean, I wasn't me, I was someone else but I didn't know who I was.

I'm worried maybe I'm not DID and I just want to believe that because I don't want to think of schizophrenia (I did think about it years ago when I read a little about it, but I don't know... Can I have that?), but I do relate pretty much to people here in the DID forum.

Oh, well... That's all for now.