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- July 2013
The Golden
   Sat Jul 27, 2013 9:46 pm

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The Golden

Permanent Linkby EarlGreyDregs on Sat Jul 27, 2013 9:46 pm

I used to be attracted to the cold. I'd feel cold inside and always desire the winter. But lately, I've just been feeling scorching heat. There's a brutal African sun beating on my back. Yellow burnt grass below my feet, and stretching plains, not a tree in sight. I feel exposed and vulnerable without the trees. I'm starving inside, just hungering, like my survival depends on it, my actual existence. I feel desperate in that sense. And angry. Like it's only a matter of time before I take something, or someone, down.

I felt beaten down again last night. Like a cowering animal. I couldn't look them in the eyes at all. I was disgusted at myself by the time I left. At home, I felt the gold behind my eyes again, and just wanted to lash out at anything, just to try win back the power somehow, because last night I was devoid of any sort of strength. I was just beaten down so hard into the ground. The cheetah in me is just constantly chained, and just gets kicked. And then I can't fight back. When I'm gonna find the courage to strike off the chain, I have no idea, but my blood is just burning red hot lately.

I can't help but speak in metaphor, it's the only way I can express myself nowadays.

- EGD.

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Don't Confuse..

Permanent Linkby EarlGreyDregs on Thu Feb 14, 2013 4:17 pm

Don't confuse my worldview, which might seem optimistic and joyful, to mean that I myself am on top of the world and drenched in happiness. Actually it's quite the opposite. I've come out of a tough time, and I have a different view on things, I put importance on different things. But that doesn't mean I'm happy yet.

- EGD.
Last edited by EarlGreyDregs on Tue Apr 09, 2013 7:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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What I Would Regret

Permanent Linkby EarlGreyDregs on Wed Feb 13, 2013 11:54 pm

I had a brief discussion with a friend of mine over what we feel we need to do in our lives, what we might regret not doing. It's something I've thought of many times, and I feel as though I have a pretty solid worldview right now and I know what I have to focus on in my life. Our views were directly opposing each other, he couldn't relate to my view and that's perfectly okay. He asks me often what I've done during the day. Have I written any of my novels? What have I accomplished during the day? I sometimes have something to say, and sometimes I don't. He's one that is constantly "doing" something. Constantly writing, creating something, studying something... When he's at his deathbed, he wants to feel as though he's done things, he says. And I feel as though he's tried to apply his worldview to me, and thus judges me for not constantly working towards something. Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for me, I have the exact opposite view.

- EGD.
Last edited by EarlGreyDregs on Tue Apr 09, 2013 7:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Session #8

Permanent Linkby EarlGreyDregs on Wed Jul 11, 2012 2:35 pm

I had my doctor/therapy session yesterday and I hated it. It felt really invalidating and everything he said made me feel worse. First, I tried to explain to him that I feel very happy right now, and I enjoy living in my own solitude - and that I am finding no motivation to change for the better because I feel so great doing what I'm doing currently. And then, he says - "No, I'm sensing that you're depressed". My mouth just hung open. I feel like I don't things across to him as best I can. Because I'm anxious around doctors, and because I'm always talking on the defensive side - I guess it came across that I wasn't happy. Which wasn't true, it's just my awkward demeanor. I looked in the eye and stressed that I know what depression is (I'm Bipolar, god's sake) and I am NOT depressed right now. I feel better than I ever have. He said that my isolation is just a huge avoidant defense. And I'm not gonna deny that. But in my current conscious state, I am happy and content. And he completely ignored that and made it out to look like I'm a cowering dog in the corner that was faking happiness. I couldn't stand it!

Since he's a psychoanalyst, I know that he keeps saying the opposite of whatever I'm saying, because he bases his whole theory on denial and unconscious thoughts. I thought this therapy would be good for me, but I find I'm getting extremely frustrated with not feeling "heard". I don't want a therapist that completely states that I'm in denial. It's hurtful and he's misunderstanding. I don't deny that my isolation is a defense, I am certainly AvPD, but it's also concretely true that I feel content right now. I want him to believe that. But my anxious and defensive demeanor makes it seem as though I'm not and that makes me frustrated with myself.

When I mentioned that I felt rejected by people in the past - he focused on it and tried to make explanations about why they rejected me. Saying it was because of my young age. That hurt even more. I know that I was young at the time, but I also know that the major problem was my lack of socialization skills. At that time, I was so focused on attempting to be social that I failed to recognize the signs and cues of the other people, and so, it was only until they blatantly rejected me that I "got the hint". I know all this, but he just focused on my age. Alright - who cares - he obviously misunderstood the situation yet again. But that's not the problem. The fact that he brought up and tried to rationalize it dug up all the horrible memories that I just want to forget, I woke up today with a huge knot in my stomach and as I write this I feel as though I might cry. Remembering those people who rejected me has nothing to do with me getting better, it's in the past, it's over, I don't need to revisit those situations. But he brought up it anyway and now I have to struggle to forget them again. I feel as though I might print out this blog entry for the session next month, because I NEED him to understand better.

He keeps saying that he is there to help me understand myself better and get to know myself. I know I don't come across that articulated in the session due to anxiety, but I'm gonna say it right now, I know myself better than him or anyone. I have contemplated about my thoughts and actions for all these years. I've seen this guy only 8 times, HE is the one that doesn't know me at all and he needs to start to realize that.

Now that this is written down, I'm gonna move on from this and forget what was said in that session as it was not helpful and just made me feel worse and misunderstood.


- EGD.

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Permanent Linkby EarlGreyDregs on Mon Jul 09, 2012 2:30 pm

I'm having a huge dilemma going on in my mind right now. Mainly it's that I'm not sure if I want help anymore for the AvPD. I just feel as though it's a waste of time and money. I told my dad this vaguely the other day, assuming he would be glad (as he is the one paying for it), but he disagreed actually, and said therapy might take awhile but I should do it. Which was such a shock to me, as previously he kept asking me how long it was gonna take, wanting it to be a quick fix. I guess he perhaps realized the extent of my issues, and that it's not gonna be a quick fix.

My life is in a complete rut right now. I have no friends, no acquaintances, no job, no car, and I'm barely attending school. I'm confined at home, doing whatever catches my fancy. My mother keeps asking if I'm "going crazy" yet, ya know, tired of being at home. And I keep telling her no, I'm perfectly fine staying at home and I enjoy it. That's the problem here - I enjoy it. I'm comfortable being in this rut. I don't have any sort of motivation to break out of it.

And why would I? Social situations scare me and if they don't, they make me extremely uncomfortable. I have no desire whatsoever to submit myself to that torture. I have a complete aversion to other people. It seems as though I have absolutely no problem just continuing in this fashion and basically becoming a hermit of some sort. I see nothing bad in that. The only goal I would want to achieve is to be a traveler, that is something I would regret not doing. But to do that one needs money and needs to be able to socialize, two things I don't have.

But I can't help but worry about what would become of me if I continue in this way. If I become older, my parents die, and then what? Then I'm screwed. But it seems as though that's not even enough motivation to get me out there. It's a scary thought, but it doesn't make me get out there. I need internal reasons "for me" to want to get out there.

One would assume that I would want social relationships. And there is a part of me that does. But it's been so long since I had even an acquaintance that I guess I forgot what it felt like - because I'm content without one. I get my fix by talking online, even shallowly, with others. And my religion of course helps me feel less alone. Most people wouldn't be able to live with only that, but I can and want to.

My one friend who I had known in real life, who is now an online friend - I thought the knew me well, but after asking about my problems - he simplified everything down to "social anxiety". "It's your choice whether or not you want to get help with your social anxiety". I was stunned. Does he really think that's my only problem? I'm not in therapy for social anxiety, I'm therapy because of this mindset I have - that I avoid everything and anything and I just want to isolate. That is far beyond just social anxiety, that is something that will be very hard to fix. And I felt so disappointed that my one "friend" didn't understand me at all. And he also takes much pride in being my "only friend", he feels as though I'm dependent on him or something, which is completely foolish, given that I speak to him maybe twice a month, I don't need his friendship, but he feels prideful for some reason. I would have not qualms about blocking him off completely, I've done it before. But.. that's a totally different topic, so I'll end my blog here.

- EGD.

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