Sooooooooooooooooooo things remain on the unstable side and I am getting frustrated as cant have a convo with anyone without tripping over my words and forum work takes much longer so I can censor myself and make sure it is OK.

Have tried to get hold of my CPN who promised faithfully she would phone me on Friday and today but hasn't.

Tomorrow I was meant to see my GMC supervisor but I have decided it would be totally counterproductive to do this as I would give him a worse impression of me I think than cancelling - which is also not good, so I am in a bit of a catch 22. I hate being under their supervision and havig to jump through so many hoops plus have to do exactly as I am told by my psych otherwise I am reported to be non compliant with treatment and this is reported back to the GMC who can organise a hearing. I have had one of those before and they are very scary - not somthing I would want to go through again.

So have i made the right decision about tomorrow? I dont know. Should I keep on bugging my CPN who clearly does not care, I dont know.

I had my bloods done today, felt very ashamed of my scars as it was a nurse I did not know. Usually it is my GP.

GMC guy is going to get back to me at some point prob tom so I will find out then what he thinks but I just think going along and racing along would not be a good idea.

Anyhow, whinge over.

Hope all are well.

Cracked

We all would not be here typing away on this forum if it was not for the invention of this, and I am told by the lovely ppl on Breakfast that today is the www's 20th birthday. I remember first being aware of it a few years after that tho not having an email address until I started at uni. It was around that time I got my first mobile, which was a brick that made calls. I remember being so excited when my boyfriend had a phone that could text, oh the good old days...

I woke up at 1.30 am with the great idea that I should come downstairs, made a sensible decision for once in my life and made myself stay in bed tho watched TV. insomnia becomes boring after a while.

I just saw something on the telly that I have GOT to try! I have been up the CN tower a fair few times but apparently you can now walk round the edge of it on the outside!!! That would be amazing and made me think of all the adrenaline sports/experiences I have done, bungeeing, sky diving, paragliding, kayaking, diving with great whites and my favourite, a gentle snokle that led to being stung by a jellyfish, lovely.

So thank you www for being here and letting me share this pile of waffle with ppl on this site.

Cracked

Saw CPN today, the nice one. The evil one was not there thankfully. Still not sure why I have two. I am not sure what I have done to deserve that. Anyhow, she said she was worried and pointed out all the things I am doing atm which are signs of illness that I had not really thought about despite my knowledge of my early warning signs. Anyhow she thought I was high and quite agitated so she is going to speak to my psych to see if meds need to be fiddled with again.

On a tangent I was asked by someone I met in a complicated fashion who runs a crystal shop if I would like to go for a healing session as he thinks it will help me. Me being me said yes, but I am not sure it would be such a good idea as the way I am feeling atm I am worried I would start channeling the devil or something. He certanily speaks a lot of sense on the phone but I just dont know. I spoke to my vicar last night and she thinks there is nothing wrong with it perse but if I am having thought like that then it probably wont be helpful.

I really am not sure whether to go or not. Does anyone have any experience or advice? It is not I am not open to it I am just worried it will make me worse, mess with my spirituality or give me psychotic thoughts. Any thoughts gratefully received. Thanks.

Have a good day all.

Cracked

I am not a veggie evangelist!

Growing up where I did in Africa was an experience. Someone said something today that triggered me and I thought I would blog it to get it out of my system.

When we visited students' villages we used to be given live chickens as presents. This was a big deal but the students used to think it was funny to kill them in front of me. We had a mud cess pit behind our house and the students would take the chicken and cut its head off so the blood made an arterial spurt against the wall of the pit. They would then cut off the feet, which are a delicacy. I saw this happen many times and the students would chase me with their bloody hands as a joke.

In addition to this we once went to a tribal city and were "lucky" enough to be invited to a ritual slaughter. On the way in I remember reading the words human sacrifice (I was a good reader and because of the missionary thing knew what sacrifice meant). It was a pig and I remember ppl chanting and dancing and the pig squealing really high and loud then this weird noise as its throat was cut then blood everywhere.

I believe you should only eat meat if you can kill it and having seen those things I could not kill an animal so that is why i am veggie.

Cracked

I made a really good decision yesterday to go to this music thing at a localish pub. I was worried about going - strangers, talented musicians, will they like me, will they hate my music etc. BUT it was fabulous and so warm and friendly. Got huge cheers for my songs. We all just sat round a table and passed the guitar, whilst there was this ridiculously talented violin player doing backing fiddle improvs and playing jigs. I was thinking of some characteristics of musicians in this kind of setting.

We are all slightly deranged but in a nice way.
Everyone must tap their foot or nod their head in time to the music, or clap.
Everyone must clap and cheer at the end of each song.
Lager is the drink of choice, failing that bitter.
Everyone is broke.
You get offered chances to do very interesting things - I was offered the chance to be in a nigerian play

I had to leave early as I needed to take my meds and am having a GGT done so need to watch my alcohol intake atm. But I plan on staying for the whole of the next one. It was really good. Ooh just realised I might be at my festival then. Oh well, will make the next one.

Anyhow the point of this is if you are not sure about doing something new, go for it you may find it is a riot and if you dont enjoy it you can always leave.

Back to reality now, got GP today

Hope all are well.

Cracked