Something very weird happened to me in the early hours. I was dozing with the telly on and heard someone hammering on my door. Really loud. A bit confused I decided it must be a friend so I got up and went downstairs and opened the door. There was no one there. It was only afterwards that I realised what I did was perhaps not that wise, esp with all the rioting that has been going on.

It made me think of how many times I put myself in danger in one way or another like letting strangers into my house to do door to door selling or read the meter without checking ID or the time I invited someone back who raped me. Or the guy in KL I thought was fine who also raped me. I seem to think I am invincible no matter how many times this has been proven not to be the case.

It got me thinking why I think this. Part of it is surviving abuse and torture. Part of it I wonder is whether it is because we did not die in the attack and fire in Nigeria. Then I have tried to commit suicide twice - seriously tried and both times failed. So maybe these excapes from death have lulled me into a false sense of security.

Whatever it is I need to reign it in I think before I do something that does not have a lucky outcome. So no more answering the door at 2am.

Hope all are well

Cracked

is very confusing. She messes with my head. She makes me feel really bad baout myself like with my weight and feeling like I am a bad person and she is the good one and there is no inbetween - which is v odd for me as I am usually a shades of grey person. But then she does stuff like buy me groceries and tell me a recipe she thinks I will like that makes me feel she loves me.

I find her so difficult to understand and comprehend why she has such a hold on me despite the fact I am an adult. She makes me feel like a little kid. Yet I feel so guilty even typing this as I feel I am going against her and being bad and mean.

I think she has pushed me into child mode and I dont know how to get out. I always feel unsettled after I see her and it takes me a while to find my feet again.

Today I feel like a generally bad person. More so than usual.

Hope all are OK

Cracked

Today Cracked had a bath. I know it sounds a silly thing to get all excited about but I am still struggling with ADLs so managing to have a bath every week is really good for me. I have even managed to clean my teeth a few times this week. Plus have proper breakfast and go to the shops and properly look after my bunny rabbit rather than just feeding, watering and keeping her clean.

My Mum is coming down tom and visiting the house so I am frantically trying to get rid of the smoke smell by burning incense. God bless my local corner shop, which sells a powerful concoction.

So what did I do in my body spa, I even managed to shave my legs and armpits and moisturise my face. The stupid thing is I have all these lotions and potions i have bought whilst high that I really should use. OK that will be my new thing to use my lotions and potions.

So what will I be doing with Mum? Well family dinner tom, which may or may not be stressful depending on whether there is a glass of wine to welcome me as I arrive at the house. Then Monday supermarket shopping and lunch and charity shop shopping. The rest of the time I am leaving them to spend time together as I think that is what granny wants. My family have a great ability to put me into child mode so we shall see what happens there. My therapist is calling Monday night to see how things are.

I have been thinking a lot about bad things that happened at work today for some reason - almost flashbacks. I am not sure why. Maybe work is on my mind. One thing I know is despite all the crap I still want to go back ASAP.

Anyhow more waffle but some good has come from today so that is good.

Hope all are well.

Cracked

Saw my Granny for dinner the other night, Man she is a character and not one you would want to mess with. She said something that annoyed me tho, she said that I would never understand what it would be like to lose a son and that everyone had forgotten him. I felt like saying no, but I do understand what it is like to lose a father aged 8 and I have not forgotten him. but I did not. I bit my tongue and nodded and agreed with her as I always do, and in the manner to which she has become accustomed. I do love my Granny to pieces but sometimes she can be very difficult.

Well on the plus side I think I am finally starting to come down. I managed to sleep from 11 til about 4 then dozed, which is a huge thing and a suggestion to me things are improving. I am going to call my psych team next week and tell them, plus ask them if I should up my AD at some point in anticipation of the dip I have after a high. Tho I dont want to do that too early incase it pings me back up again.

Sooooooooo what else is going on in the world of Cracked. I have had a funny blood test result or two and need them repeated but I am going to wait til my GP comes back and discuss it with her as it is a bit complicated.

My therapist has made me address routine as I think I mentioned and today is shop day, but this means I need to huddle in a long queue with all the other scoundrels and scalliwags on benefit to get some money out Man, adjusting my finances after going from a working wage to benefits was a challenge. But I have done it - Yay Cracked!

Waffle waffle, time to go before I bore you all to death, decreasing the amt of posters here - not good.

So hope all are OK

Cracked

Mr GMC guy called and was OK about me cancelling and has booked me a new appt for a few weeks and hopefully all will be well by then.

Routine routine routine. My therapist is drumming it in. SHe got me to make a diary of things I am going to do as she thinks I will cope better with the BP and the other issues if I have some routine. So I filled in my diary for the next week with things I am going to do every day. And today I cleaned my teeth for the first time in weeks and feel better for it.

She just called me and asked how things were and we talked for a bit. She said she feels I am in a vulnerable place atm and I dont like that description as I feel it makes me weak and likely to be attadked by ppl. I prefer the invincible feeling i have but she says that is illness talking.

One of the things that she is suggesting is that I dont go to a music festival coming up at the end of this month that I am REALLY looking forward to as she thinks it will be too much stimulus and i might end up in hospital again. I dont want to go against my therapists advice but I feel like i just can't miss it. Esp as my sister has paid for a friend to come with me. She says she will stand by me whatever but I just want to go tho feel bad for ignoring her advice, esp as she does not come down hard on things often and leaves it to me to make my own decisions. With this she is being really didactic but I so want to go.

Oh well hopefully I will be well soon and feeling a lot better. Then can get on with things.

Hope you are all well.

Cracked