Ever since I can remember I have felt fat and ugly. My therapist says this is due to the abuse making me feel this way. Being on meds that made me gain weight has not helped and I have had a long battle with ED too.

Ppl compliment me and I do not really believe them and think they are being polite when really they think I am fat and ugly and ppl who do not know me IRL compliment me and say that they bet I am pretty but I find myself thinking little do you know...

The question is why do I care as I should not be so shallow but I feel like I am worthless because I am fat and ugly and this is not right. I am smart, I am kind, I have a good personality so why is my esteem so low. Probably more legacy of abuse I guess.

Not sure why I am blogging this. There is a lot on my mind about abuse atm and this came out first.

Take care all

Cracked

Have got itchy feet atm so thought I would blog about places I have been.

Nigeria
Benin
Togo
South Africa
France
Germany
Spain
Holland
Switzerland
Belgium
Italy
Austria
Czech Republic
Norway
Canada
USA
Bali
Thailand
Malaysia
Singapore
Australia

Please can someone give me a job as a travel person...

Next place I would like to go to is Namibia.

Cracked

This came to me on Sunday but have not got round to blogging it yet. It is a little ditty I have made up about things that are quintessentially British that I thought were worth mentioning. It goes to the tune of Favourite Things from The Sound Of Music.

Church wardens being pains in the asses,
Headmasters peering over their glasses
Antiques Roadshow on the TV
These are some British things for me.

Buckingham Palace, ploughmans and chutney,
Songs of Praise and places called Putney,
Witty sarcasm that stings
These are some very British things

When the weather is always raining
When the tube is packed
I simply remember Cadbury's chocolate
And then I dont feel so bad!

Cracked

I was thinking about why I blog and what I am doing it for.

I think it is self centredly mainly for me. Since I was little I have kept a diary and I view blogging in a similar way. I write what is going on in my life and when I read it back later it reminds me of where i was at a certain point in my life.

I think that is why I am maybe more open than i should be - because I look on it like a diary. I know here is anonymous but I do sometimes wonder if I have said too much, but I also know I do have boundaries and there are somethings I would not say.

I also make myself do it even if I am feeling crap because I think it is important to capture how I was feeling at that time as well as when things are better.

Do I do it because ppl read it? To some extent yes and I am so grateful to anyone who reads the mundane drivel that comes out of my head. But I think I would still do it anyhow. But there must be something wonderful about the support i get from ppl here as it encourages me to keep going - so thank you.

So I am curious about you all. Why do you blog and why do you read ppls' blogs?

Cracked

My therapist is amazing. She does not pull punches but she helps me so much. I managed to talk to her about so much difficult stuff today. I am really lucky to have her.

I used to be so disillusioned with therapy and used to leave it feeling terrible. Now with this therapist I dont feel that. Sure I find it difficult, she does not make things easy, but she helps me and cares. I am not used to that and it really helps. And even when the cynic voice in me says she does not really care I am able to override that with the voice that says she does.

My old therapist was what I like to call a terrorpist, but my current one is not.

So I feel a lot better than I did earlier. I know the end point of this is not to keep seeing her but for now she helps and I think she is helping me get to a point where I will be able to deal with that and be OK.

Cracked