Was playing in a gig today - keyboard and vocals. It was a lot of fun and I caught up with many friends which was really good. Plus also got a chance to promote the choir I am which is doubly good. I have a gig with them too on Friday so I am having a very musical week by the looks of things with choir tom too.

I have my blood tests in the morning which I am worried about - hopefully they will be OK. Please keep fingers crossed for me as I am a bit worried.

So good day today but bad morning tomorrow - tho hopefully a better rest of day. I also havea meeting tom after choir about youth church - I seem to be getting drawn into that by the looks of things.

And finally...I have arranged to meet up with two guys I like

Hope you are all well

Hugs

Cracked

Today was a bad day.

I had a very difficult therapy session where I talked about a difficult day in terms of abuse stuff and it really hit home and connected with me in a way things have not done so much before. I really felt for the little girl who was hurt and I am having a tough time trying to get the mess it has left behind out of my head. I know sleep will help but I am not tired atm. I just feel like I have opened the door to a lot of mess.

Then I was meant to have repeat bloods and because of the significance of the tests I had got all worried about it so I got to the GP and the nurse told me they had booked me in for an appt at the wrong time of day so I have to go back on tuesday again to have them done. Plus it is a stupid thing but the nurse who is going to do it I used to sing in a choir with and she will see my scars.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my Grandpa's death. I was 17. He was an amazing man and after my Dad died was like a father figure to me. I miss him hugely.

Sunday is the anniversary of my Dad's death (Grandpa was his Dad). I was 8. He was also amazing and I wish he was alive now so he could see who I have become.

I am spending Mother's Day with my Granny and she will be all sad understandably so I need to try to cheer her up. I have got her some nice flowers and a card so hopefully she will like that.

I think I will be glad to see the end of today.

Hope you are all well

Hugs

Cracked

Proud of myself today

My support worker came and I made the most of it. I sorted out half of my living room properly including dusting and clearing surfaces and getting rid of things I did not need. I also watered all my plants and finally moved some crockery I had hid under a chair for some reason when unwell into the kitchen. I have been given a job of tidying a bit more before she comes next week and I think I will be able to do it. I find it so so difficult to do things like this and I never would be able to without her support but I am so pleased with myself. I also feel that getting on top of activities of daily living is bringing me one step closer to return to work as I need to be back on top of them before attempting work.

So I think I have done well today and it has given me some more confidence in myself.

Hope you are all well

Hugs

Cracked

So saw GMC guy yesterday

It was difficult. I saw him at the new place for the first time. It was where I was admitted this time a year ago after a big overdose. At the time I was on constant one to one obs and I this really triggered me yesterday. It made me want to cut and overdose so someone could look after my safety and I would not have to do it. I didnt - I was sensible and looked after myself but it was not easy. I did not think it was going to trigger me as much as it did - maybe it is because it is exactly a year ago.

The meeting went as well as it could I suppose. He said he thought I was doing well and we talked about spirituality a lot which was interesting. But he asked me again if I wanted to remove my name from the register voluntarily to which I said no. He said again it would be at least a year before RTW - he always seems to say that - when does this year start??? He was also talking about specialities and thinks I would be better doing something "less stressful". I love "stressful" stuff such as anaesthetics and acute medicine or cardiology and he seemed to think I would be better suited to something like psychiatry because he feels stress "triggers" me. I would sooner eat my own eyeballs than be a psychiatrist.

Anyhow it is over for another 2 months and I am intact (ish)

Hope you are all well

Hugs

Cracked

What evil personified caused those two to be in my diary a day apart?

Psych yesterday to be fair was not as bad as i thought it would be. She thinks I am in a bit of a weird space due to low lithium and there is a plan in place for that now which is good. I dont have to see her for 3 months which is also good.

So today is GMC day - hopefully he will not ask me again if I want to remove my name from the register I really hope not as I would find that sad. At least I no longer have to see him in the centre of dodginess for the city. Tho it is a bit weird as the place I am going to see him I last was at when I was admitted a year ago. But at least it is nearer so that is good.

Hope you are all well

Hugs

Cracked