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Chels's blog
Since joining this site, I've been unearthing trauma that's been buried my whole life. I've finally told my story, but some thoughts and memories still come up that I want to vent out but don't want to spam this site doing so through posts. Thank goodness for the blog feature here where I can put all of these vents of mine.

In the unlikely event that anyone reads these, thanks in advance for taking the time to do so.
Chels91
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 51
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2021 9:43 pm
Blog: View Blog (88)
Archives
- May 2022
If my dad were here now, what would I say to him?
   Wed May 18, 2022 7:40 pm
Questioning if and where a line should be drawn
   Mon May 16, 2022 1:24 am
Things have gotten intimate between me and my ex
   Sat May 14, 2022 12:51 pm
Venting random memories (trigger warning)
   Thu May 12, 2022 8:48 pm
Another sudden influx of memories
   Tue May 10, 2022 1:02 pm
Mom seems to be doing better with my trauma
   Mon May 09, 2022 8:02 pm
I gave a half-truth to my ex
   Sat May 07, 2022 11:38 am
My earliest molestation memories (trigger warning)
   Thu May 05, 2022 11:09 pm
Maybe distractions aren't such a good thing
   Thu May 05, 2022 4:59 pm
Therapy session 05/03/22
   Tue May 03, 2022 9:24 pm

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If my dad were here now, what would I say to him?

Permanent Linkby Chels91 on Wed May 18, 2022 7:40 pm

Someone on another site asked me an interesting question. What would I do if my dad was still alive and I were to confront him on molesting me for the first 20 years of my life? I’ve actually given this hypothetical scenario some thought before. I’m not sure I would really say much of anything. Maybe telling him of all he’s done to me and how I have to live with it for the rest of my life. If he felt any remorse or not (I wouldn’t care if he did, honestly), at least he would know for whatever that was worth. Maybe it’s just easy to say that because I don’t ever have to worry about this scenario taking place because he’s dead and if it were to actually happen, a lot of thoughts and emotions would surface and I would have a lot more to say.

I can actually imagine my dad saying a lot to me. Looking back on him and based on things my mom and others who knew him have said about him, he wasn’t terribly bright. Hell, from what I know on how he died in a car wreck, that’s probably what got him killed. Anyway, I imagine he would try defending what he did by saying that I had enjoyed it for a long time, maybe even mention how he explained on more than one occasion that he just wanted to show that he loved me. Once I told him I stopped enjoying it at some point, I imagine he’d ask why I never just said so. Maybe he would become remorseful once I laid down the logic of it all and how I really felt, but again, I wouldn’t be the least bit interested in that so I wouldn’t want to hear it.

I’m a bit divided because, although I firmly believe I wouldn’t have much to say to him, I also hate that I can’t ever confront him on this, like I won’t ever find complete closure because of it. Yet another complicated case, as you can tell. Don’t have much of an explanation for that, that’s just how I feel.

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Questioning if and where a line should be drawn

Permanent Linkby Chels91 on Mon May 16, 2022 1:24 am

Just thinking of all that I’m letting my ex get away with when it comes to him putting his hands on me. I suppose I’m lucky in a way that he’s been completely respectful of boundaries and only touching me in the places I grant him permission to. But honestly, if he ever decided to get daring and step out of those boundaries, I’m not so sure I would object, short him cupping a feel of my breasts and nether regions. But he used to put his hands on other personal places like running his fingers through my hair, massaging my shoulders, playing my navel piercing or feeling my legs. As odd as those quirks of his might’ve been, I actually kind of miss them. If he were to try doing them again, I’d likely enjoy them as much as ever because I guess I just love him touching me that much. But not so much that I would let him touch me in my most personal areas. I don’t ever see him asking permission to do any of those things out of fear of rejection (perhaps he may think it out of line to even ask) and he probably wouldn’t ask anyway because that’s how much of a nice guy he is. And I don’t want to offer up him doing those things to me again because how will that look after all I’ve said about wanting to keep things platonic? I almost want to say I’m hoping he does push his luck with doing those things again. But even so, should I allow it? Would that be treading into romantic territory and stir up drama I positively do not want? Maybe I should count my blessings that I’m able to have this unlikely close relationship between exes in the first place.

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Things have gotten intimate between me and my ex

Permanent Linkby Chels91 on Sat May 14, 2022 12:51 pm

My relationship with my ex has gotten to a point where we’re practically dating again, just not romantically. We spend a lot of time together and just last night, I stayed over at his place for the night. We even slept together in the literal sense and nothing more. We didn’t have sex, but we still got fairly intimate. We were watching a show and ended up laying together on the couch where we both fell asleep. I felt bad at first for what might’ve been an imposition on my part, but he did not mind in the least. He said if I find myself over at his place again late at night, I could stay with him anytime.

I extended the same offer to him to stay with me whenever he wants. I’ve told him before, when he’d stay late at my place, that I didn’t like him driving half an hour back to his home late at night and he could stay if he wanted. He turned the offer down, saying he didn’t want to impose, but now it’s only fair. Plus, I wouldn’t have minded if he did at all. I’m currently without a roommate, so it’s not like he would be imposing on anyone else too. After our talk about it, it’s sounding like sleeping over at each other’s places could become a regular thing for us.

I keep expecting him to make some sexual advances on me, but he hasn’t. He seems to understand full well that I have no romantic or sexual interest in our relationship and is respecting that. I know his attraction to me is very much there, though. Earlier this week, he was sweet enough to surprise me early in the morning with coffee. He showed up while I was wearing a revealing outfit I don’t normally wear out. He got tongue-tied the moment he saw me after I opened the door. I thought it might’ve been one of my female neighbors. Had I known it was him, I would’ve covered up just for the sake of modesty. But we were both able to play it off.

He’s also engaged in some borderline flirtatious affection with me. He’s very cautious for how he goes about it too, asking if he may do something before doing it. I really don’t mind it coming from him, so I tell him he may and I very much enjoy it. His touching and caressing makes me feel relaxed. I can tell he likes it too, even if it does turn him on a little. This hasn’t been outright said or addressed, but he’s not doing things like roaming with his hands on my back and sides just for a bit of harmless affection. I’m letting him get away with a lot and you’d think maybe he’d be tempted to push his luck even further. If he has, that’s not been made clear because he hasn’t at all. In a manner of speaking, he sticks to the territory granted to him and never once strays out of bounds.

We’re not officially dating, at least not in any romantic sense, but at the same time, we’re very much in an intimate relationship that transcends any normal friendly relationship. But I think I speak for both of us when I say we’re happy. I most definitely am. I feel this is exactly what I need - a relationship with most of the affection but without the romantic commitments. I know he’s not going to say no to being able to get touchy-feely with a woman he used to date and still finds attractive, so it works out for both of us. If any feelings get involved or it’s otherwise at risk of turning into something more, which could very well be inevitable, we’ll worry about it then. For now, we’re in a good place.

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Venting random memories (trigger warning)

Permanent Linkby Chels91 on Thu May 12, 2022 8:48 pm

I've noticed I've said on more than one occasion here that I would be getting a whole wave of memories coming back to me that I was going to vent about, only for me to not really do so. But not from a lack of trying. I'll be sitting down making an entry about one particular memory that bothers me only for another one to override that one and then another. My mind goes all over the place, that I just end up not writing even if I really want to. But this time, I'm going try something new: writing about just whatever comes to mind even if it's all over the place. Also, no matter how graphic it may be, so as always, heed the trigger warning.

Sometimes when I'm at my mom's, I get triggered just from certain areas of the house. It's the house I grew up in and where my molestation took place most of the time. There are are probably only one or two rooms in that house where my dad didn't molest me. I'll get certain flashbacks thinking "Oh, that time happened right there. That time over here..." It mostly happened in just a couple of rooms in the house, but there have been instances where it would happen elsewhere. It just reminds me of how often it did happen and gets to me. It makes me not like being there when I should, like anyone would with the house they spent their upbringing in...

There was one particular memory that was pissing me off the last time I was at my mom's just last weekend for Mothers Day. I was sitting on the loveseat which has the couch situated right next to it and got a flashback of a time I was 9 with my dad sitting on the couch while I'm standing in front of him as goes down on me. I could just see my 9 year-old self with my arms draped to my side, head tilted back and eyes shut. I remember that time in particular and it pisses me off because my dad said something like "Someone's feeling good," and after he said it, my 9 year-old self actually smiled at that because I was not only feeling good, but feeling happy. I lost my composure and became very angry with myself. Luckily my mom was busy with something else and didn't have to see me cupping my face.

Maybe that was the catalyst for all the memories starting to resurface, because they've all been instances when I was 8-12, the years I was happily compliant with being molested. Though for some reason, a lot of memories of when I was 11 have been popping up. Another thing that's been irking me is just the degree of normalcy that it had become by the time I was 11. I remember one time, my dad had just finished eating me out and once I had settled down from my orgasm, he asked me if I was ready for dinner. I answered yes, so he went to the kitchen, started on cooking and I just pulled my pants up and watched TV. After molesting his daughter, he just goes and cooks dinner while I pass the time with cartoons or whatever I was watching. That was just the norm.

Another memory that sickens me is what I think was my dad enacting his fantasy of him molesting me making him a good father. One Friday, my mom was out of town for the night, so my dad had me all to himself. We were on the bed in my parents bedroom when once again, he had just finished giving me oral. I remember it was my first week of having started middle school, so he laid with me for a while after he finished and started asking me how my week had been. He gave me a little heart-to-heart, I guess, on middle school being tough but to not let it get me down or whatever he was saying. Then after, he asked if I was ready for another and proceeded to go down on me again. He alternated between being a disgusting deviant, then acting like a good father before doing it again.

I am getting better with not solely blaming myself for having enjoyed it, though I may never let myself hear the end of it for it. At least now I'm not only hating myself for it and am evenly disturbing the anger toward my late dad. Silly as it may sound. Some would say I shouldn't harbor any anger whatsoever. We'll just...

[ Continued ]

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Another sudden influx of memories

Permanent Linkby Chels91 on Tue May 10, 2022 1:02 pm

I don’t know why this sort of thing happens, whether I’m subconsciously being triggered by something or if this is just something that periodically comes out of nowhere, but I’ve been getting yet another resurgence of memories from being molested. When I was 10 and 11 in particular. If my therapist was still around, I could vent about this to her today. But since she isn’t, I suppose I’m left to my own devices. I may make another entry on these memories soon. I had hoped I wouldn’t have to write another graphic one so soon, but if I need the therapeutic writing that bad…

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