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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Chels91/giving_my_dad_hints_to_stop_%28trigger_warning%29_b-14281_sid-ace45d21933d7b942132dd1688712d3f.html |
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| Author: | Chels91 [ Tue Jan 11, 2022 8:59 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Giving my dad hints to stop (trigger warning) |
When I was 15 and started being molested on a daily basis by my father, I would occasionally give hints to him that I didn’t want him to be doing what he would do to me once he’d start making his advances on me. I would tell him things like I wasn’t in the mood for it (even though I never was by that point) or that I had a bad day, but he would always have some smart little retort for everything and just continue with what he was doing. The things he would say are pretty maddening now that I think about it. He always said it with this smart alecky tone too. It’s as if he knew what I was trying to do and that was his way of making it clear I wasn’t getting out of it. I don’t know if that was the case, but that’s how it felt. Looking back on it, it makes me even madder either way. Here’s an example of what I just said. One time I remember I had a really bad day at school. A couple friends of mine had completely turned on me when someone who they found to be a better friend than me didn’t like me, so they decided to “side with” her. Teen drama BS, but it hurt my feelings at the time. And then I learned another close friend of mine had gotten in a car wreck and was in the hospital. I went home feeling very sad and it didn’t help knowing what would be waiting for me once I got home: my dad. When I got home, everything started off okay for a little while. I had just laid down on the couch and my dad was off doing his own thing. Then, sure enough, he approached me. He knelt down beside me, lifted up my shirt and started kissing and licking my stomach. I told him outright “I had a bad day,” he stopped for a moment and looked at me, saying “Oh… Well here, I’ll help you feel better.” He undid my pants and started pulling them down. I spoke again “I’m just gonna rest.” He responded with “I’ll have you resting pretty good here in a moment.” By this point, I just gave up and let him go down on me. He gave one final jab after he finished by telling me to let him know when I’m having a bad day again, implying he’d make me feel better by giving me oral sex. He was doing that every single day, but whatever. There was another time during the Summer when I was hanging out with family and friends at a creek owned by my grandparents. My mom would show up on occasion to just sit in the sun. My dad didn’t like summer weather so he wouldn’t come, which was good for me because it allowed me to get away from him for the day. This time, however, he did come along with my mom and as soon as I saw him, I grew uncomfortable. I was in my bikini and knew he’d be eyeing me up - something he was also doing often. He was wearing sunglasses, but I could still feel his eyes on me the whole time. I did my best to ignore it. After a while, I made the mistake of announcing I had to go to the bathroom. Then my dad stands up and says “I should probably take a leak myself.” Great… He followed me to the two porta potties nearby and tried getting me to sneak off with him behind some bushes. I don’t remember what exactly he said and I don’t know if he intended to eat me out right there (which he wasn’t above) or just kiss and touch my body, but I was actually able to get away from him this time. I kept insisting that I had to go to the bathroom. My dad must’ve been desperate for some gratification because he was practically begging for me to go with him. One thing I remember he said was “Come on, just for a minute,” in this a pitiful pleading tone. I told him “Dad, I really have to go bad!” I said it with some emotion in my voice because I was scared and also desperate to get away. He finally said “Fine,” and just went back to the creek. That was a rare instance where I was actually to get out of being molested by my dad. Though he still didn’t quite take the hint. One might ask, why didn’t I just tell him that I didn’t want it? As I explained in previous entries, I would always be too scared to. My dad had been molesting me my whole life and it got to where I would just freeze once he made his advances. I just never had it in me to tell him “no.” For these times where I did give off hints, I did it with great fear and obviously, still not enough to courage to be more upfront. I think my dad at the very least suspected it was no longer a consensual thing between us as it had been before. But because I never outright said it, that was incentive enough for him to keep on doing it and believe I was still enjoying it. Perhaps when I would give off these hints of mine, his little retorts were him testing to see if I would tell him “no” and when I wouldn’t, in his mind, that told him I actually still wanted it. It’s one of those things that really has me thinking that if I just told him “no” sooner, it all would have ended like it did when I finally made it clear I didn’t want it. Albeit inadvertently. Obviously, my dad needed me to be compliant when molesting me in order for him to get off on it and if I had just taken that away from him the moment it stopped being consensual when I was 13… There’s no point in dwelling on that, of course. He could have just as easily carried on knowing full well I didn’t want it. What happened happened. These are just some thoughts that come to mind is all. |
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