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Chainsaw
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Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2016 5:15 pm
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ASPD: Confusion Part 1

Permanent Linkby Chainsaw on Wed Jan 04, 2017 2:27 pm

This blog describes a bit of how I became self-aware, and what kind of confusion I was going through before I got diagnosed with ASPD.
==

I wasn't always aware of the fact that I don't have a conscience, even while I did a lot of illegal stuff without feeling guilty. But I always knew that there was something different about me. The point was that I couldn't exactly pinpoint what is was, because no one ever talked openly about things like empathy and the conscience. Why would normal people do that in the first place? It's natural for them to have a conscience and they assume that most, if not all, people think the same.

That's the same with colors, why would a person constantly mention the colors he can see? Why would he say things like: "Oh, that's my new jacket, it's red." He doesn't have to tell the color to other people because they see exactly the same as him. But the person who can't see colors would be slightly confused or he wouldn't pay much attention because the word "red" has no meaning to him. It's not important enough to ask about or it's just weird to ask it.

Why would I care about things that don't exist to me? I had a lot of moments that I could see that I didn't react normal. I could show a lack of fear, I would be the only one in the room who didn't cared about the birthday of another person, but this moments were not important to me. I had it so many times that I just thought it wasn't abnormal. I was used to it, so the thought that there may could be something wrong disappeared in my subconscious. I just faked as much as I could and I never thought about this as weird, it was just who I am.

But things started to change when I aged thirteen. I got a lot problems at that time because my behavior started to stand out from other teenagers. There were a lot of teenagers in my country who stealed and assaulted people, but I became a bit aware of my own weirdness when I got to know the local police...

Female, born in 1998 
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