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- July 2015
A Semblance of Hope
   Tue Jul 21, 2015 6:09 am

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A Semblance of Hope

Permanent Linkby AnyMouse on Tue Jul 21, 2015 6:09 am

Do you fear that you are obsessive compulsive?

Do you ruminate, constantly think, seeking answers but to no avail?

Do you have themes on which your obsessions are based?

Are those themes sometimes sexual?

Do those sexual themes make you question whether or not you are gay?

Do those sexual themes make you question whether or not you are worse... a pedophile?

When you are locked in the cycle of your obsessions, do you constantly seek reassurance from others?

Do you look for answers and information from web resources, constantly, leading you to places like this site?

When you recount your memories to determine whether or not you are gay or a pedophile, do you wonder "Was I attracted to this [person] at this moment?"

When you check your body's physiological response, do you often feel the onset of what some have called a "groinal response," and confuse it with actual arousal?

When you experience this "groinal response" does it sometimes become so severe that it's almost breath takingly disturbing and makes you want to vomit?

Are the thoughts associated with your groinal response something that is alien to you, otherwise known as "ego-dystonic"?

When you experience this groinal response, do you feel compelled to explore it?

When you explore it, do you feel pleasure?

When you feel pleasure, do you reach an orgasm?

When you feel an orgasm, are you confused, anxious, upset, and disturbed to the point of almost wanting death to take you?

Has this happened only a handful of times, regardless if most ALL of your other sexual fantasies included people your own age or of people of your preferred sex/gender?

Does this process force you to compulsively check for more resources to substantiate what you instinctively know about yourself?

Do you repeat it often, to a crippling degree?

If you answered yes to the majority of these questions, I want you to know that you are not alone in this world. I also want you to know that these things are not indicative of your "nature" or who you are as a sexual being.

The difference between being homosexual or pedophilic is clear: In homosexuals or pedophiles that experience sexual thoughts or urges that arouse them, the following feelings of distress are not the same as those felt by we who suffer from sexually themed OCD. Actual homosexuals and pedophiles are plagued with thoughts of "If only..." whereas sufferers of OCD are riddled with thoughts of "What if..."

The most important thing I want all of you to remember, and I will say it again, is that you are not alone. My compulsion includes researching, tirelessly and endlessly to infinity and beyond! (ha-ha) It also includes body checking, thought and memory checking, list writing, reassurance seeking, and scrupulosity (the need to confess over and over again) even though I have nothing to confess other than the thoughts that barge their way into my otherwise normal mind and the compulsions I cyclically perform in vain to stop the barrage of horrible thoughts.

Fortunately for me, a little excerpt I will post from Wikipedia's article on sexual obsessions gives me some semblance of hope. It reads as follows:

"Approximately 40% of sufferers (number could be higher due to the embarrassment associated) also report some accompanying physiological arousal. Reactions can include increased heart rate, a feeling of being turned on, and even erections, increased lubrication (in women), and orgasm."

Just remember, you are not alone. Those of us who experience all of the above need to band together and call onto the professional community responsible for researching and treating this to increase awareness in the community, because it does not help that something like pedophilia is so heavily stigmatized that our worst fears cannot be uttered to anyone - even those who we trust the most.

My fellow sufferers, I love each and every one of you, and I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. I know that some of you may want to die just to end the these threats of your own mind... but just hang on a little bit longer. Just hang on. We are all in this together.

I am the chaotic expression of consciousness and mind. I am the pendulum of human thought, stuck in the superposition between reason and madness. I am nothing. I am you. I am me. I am every mouse. I am Any Mouse. Where there is fire, I carry gasoline.
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