Today is the International Transgender Day of Visibility. I haven’t decided whether or not I’m transgendered. I don’t have the dysphoria that seems to be almost universal amongst transgendered people; all I have is the fact that I’ve wanted to be female for a long time, and a sense that I’m more me as a woman than I am as a man. My greatest apprehension is that I’ll throw myself onto the transgender bus, turn my life upside-down, and then learn that it was just a fascination, or that I merely thought that the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. These are questions that, ultimately, can’t be answered other than by experience, and, as problems, they can only be resolved by decision. I don’t see any need to categorize myself anytime soon. So, I’ll wait and see.

There is one additional component, and it’s an important one: I’ve been repressed in many ways all of my life. There are hints of feminine expression in my distant memories, but only hints. And I’ve never exactly been comfortable as a man – which may be what first suggested to me that I might prefer to be a woman.

I’ll be paying my taxes next week, and scraping together every cent I can to do it. I don’t buy health insurance; my job doesn’t offer its own plan, and Obamacare is a joke. So, I’m paying the penalty this year, as I have every year since it was first assessed. Nevertheless, I decided that today I was going to buy my first article of women’s clothing: panties. And I did, and I wore them to the mall to go walking. They are very comfortable, perhaps the most comfortable underwear I have ever worn. I’m going to wear them to work tomorrow, and, if that works out, I may stop wearing men’s underwear altogether. They’re only cotton; I can’t wait until I can afford something more satiny. I think those will make me feel more like a girl.

What I really want is are some camisoles; I want to wear them instead of undershirts. I saw some on the Walmart website that were perfect, but they were out of stock. So, I found some that look acceptable on Amazon; if I have enough money next week, I’ll order them.

I knew it already, but I can say now from experience that I’m not a transvestite. There was nothing erotic about wearing the panties. I didn’t even feel a thrill thinking that no one at the mall knew I was wearing women’s undergarments. Really, what’s important to me is that I find what makes me comfortable, what helps me to express me, my true self. I suspect that self is more female than male; but whether that makes me transgendered is yet to be seen.

Oh, I have to talk about this! Yesterday, or the day before, I was watching “An Affair to Remember” on TCM, a film I’ve seen many times; but, this time, I was doing cartwheels over Deborah Kerr’s wardrobe. I want it! That’s the look I want! Long, elegant evening wear – wow. And Ms. Kerr is herself so elegant; I want to learn to walk and carry myself as she does in that film.

I’ve been dieting for almost two weeks, now, and I’ve lost eight pounds. A lot of that is water weight, but, still, it’s encouraging.