The last piece of my outfit arrived today: the bra. I feel like that word should be in large type, colors and sparkles. It’s a 44C, based on measurements two weeks old. Thank goodness I’ve been losing weight like a champ, because it’s none too big at all. To get it on, I had to hook the back together and then step into it. I bought breast forms, which helped to fill it out; but I stuck a sock in each cup for good measure. Then I put on the top I’m wearing to my next session with the therapist. Nice! Going to have to get rid of that chest hair again, though; the neckline is considerably lower than a man’s shirt.

A lot of bits and pieces have come together recently. I already wrote about the wig, I think. I bought a few wig-related supplies, including a wig brush, bobby pins and “No More Tangles.” This wig has very long hair, and it’s already tangled. I think I’m going to buy a clasp of some kind tomorrow, to hold it back so that it doesn’t hide my face.

I have to admit that I’ve felt discouraged recently. Learning to deal with the accoutrements of presentation as a woman has a very steep curve. Oh, for a mentor. Makeup doesn’t look so horrible now, but I’m still not using eyeliner or doing anything with my eyebrows. The bags under my eyes are so bad that I splurged and bought something by L’Oreal designed to deal with them. I’ve spent so much money on makeup this month, it’s incredible.

And it’s also discouraging not to simply be living openly as a woman. I wear boy clothes whenever I leave the house. I work seven days a week, between the two jobs; but lately I’ve wished I could have a night out as a girl. I wouldn’t want to go by myself, of course; much too dangerous. But if I had the right friends along, I’d love to go out dressed appropriately. Even with this horse’s face of mine.

I’m not looking for attention. I don’t want to make a big splash. I would simply like to openly express my nature. I’d like to walk down the sidewalk in a nice dress and not feel like everyone was hating me. Maybe it will get to the point where I don’t care anymore; there are certainly indications of that.

I’ve been thinking about showing more reticence to engage others, seeking solace in my own thoughts and company. When I imagine myself, post-transition, I do not see a woman with an active social schedule; rather, I see a woman who has created her own world in her home and who dwells there most of the time. I think I would get a lot of what I need from others from just going out, to shop, to get coffee or go to the post office – you know, running errands, basically – and being regarded as just another woman. That affirmation would never cease to warm my heart.

I went through my closets and drawers, gathered almost all the boy clothes I own and took them to Goodwill. They’re gone. All I have left are my work clothes, a pair of pants in a smaller size and a few jeans in smaller sizes that may prove useful before I am able to transition fully. I also have some custom t-shirts I bought years ago from Café Press as an incentive to lose weight; they are too small for me and have never been worn. They are men’s t-shirts, but maybe I can wear them as a woman. They have sentimental value, so I didn’t toss them. And I kept an extra pair of shoes, just in case. But I took two trash bags full of stuff and a bunch of things on hangers to the Goodwill drop-off. It needed to be done. I no longer have sweaters, suits, ties, winter coats, etc., etc. All gone. I’m hoping that by this coming winter I’ll be down to weight and wearing a winter coat that is, if not distinctively feminine, then at least androgynous. Buying men’s clothing now would be a bitter experience.

As of this morning, I’ve lost more than 32 pounds. Only 85 to go.

I continue to be amazed at the speed with which this has taken place, once the dam burst....

i would go out with you! : )

[quote="Snaga"]I continue to be amazed at the speed with which this has taken place, once the dam burst....[/quote]

And yet not nearly quickly enough to suit me.

Thank you, Snaga.