I'm surprised anyone is reading these entries. Please don't think I'm seeking attention. I simply have to express these things publicly, somewhere, and it's the only safe space I know. Somewhere, I have to shout to the universe, "This is me! I am here!" and, here, I can do this, at least for now.

This program began with feelings of excitement and anticipation. It has begun to take on a life of its own, however, and my attitude is becoming a lot more serious. I'm changing, and I'm losing control of the process. I believe that's necessary; but that doesn't make it any less scary.

Monday was the first day of Spring – Ostara, if you believe that sort of thing – and I started my weight-loss program. I’ve lost a great deal of weight before – more than I need to lose now – so all I need is self-discipline. Cutting calories and exercise are the keys to success; but I’ve learned that it often takes more motivation than the dream of losing weight to stay the course. The last time, I made a sacred vow. This time, I’m older, and going without food is harder. I’m leery of taking the sacred vow route, because I don’t know if I’d be able to keep it. So, it’s my dream of getting new clothes – men’s for the body, and women’s for the soul – that hopefully will help me keep my commitment.

Exercise is mostly walking, although I also have a job that requires some physical exertion; and that helps. Sometimes I walk at one of the malls in this area. On Tuesday, I did that; and it was interesting seeing the women’s clothing on display with new eyes. To be honest, I didn’t care for much of it: too ostentatious. I did a double-take at the Birkenstocks in one of the display windows; but I could never wear them. These old feet are no longer appropriate for public display. Although, with socks, ….

I actually practiced lowering my center of gravity when I went walking. I don't know if I attracted attention, because I didn't make eye contact with anyone. I did hear a titter from someone shortly after I passed them, but it may have had nothing to do with me. Truthfully, at this point, I'm sufficiently overweight that any unusual sway of the hips might simply look like a fat man's waddle.

Someone sent me a private message this week, asking me what sort of woman the lesbian within me found attractive; and I was surprised to discover that the answer is not what I would have thought. I’ve always imagined myself a “lipstick lesbian,” attracted to the same; but upon reflection I realized that I find the more androgynous look much more attractive. The kind of woman who favors that style draws me like a moth to a flame. (And, yes, I, too, want to sleep with Shane.) That’s the sort of woman it’s worth being pretty for. I don’t find butch women attractive; that’s not a criticism, it’s just a fact about me. There are some butch lesbians I like as people. I know one IRL, though she hasn’t the faintest clue about me; and a certain film director is another.

Feminine expression is emerging from me unbidden. It’s mostly gradual, but occasionally something will just jump out. How long until I get caught by someone who knows me? When I'm at home, I find myself sashaying around the apartment; sometimes, *not* sashaying feels positively unnatural. At home, I am also finding my speech patterns changing, largely on their own – and, yes, I talk to myself. I'm guessing that, at home, I feel free to express myself without constant self-monitoring, so these tendencies are expressing themselves more easily.

There is this terribly feminine spirit inside me, and it's coming out. I didn't realize how feminine it was. I think I may have started an avalanche.

It's hard to put the genie back in the bottle!

My use of gestures and mannerisms comes and goes, I think I'm somewhat gender fluid. I do think I've attracted unwanted attention at times, esp at work- I most try to tone it down in front of the Snagina, to spare her.

Currently the need to do things like that is less than it has been, although I'm sure I'm doing some things without realizing it. I don't know if it's natural ebb and flow; or if the possible alters were the source all along, and with them coming out more completely, the need to express themselves covertly has been lessened; or if my addiction to SL has created enough of an outlet of female expression that I don't feel as much RL need- although, as an aside, I do find myself occasionally doing RL imitation of my favorite female SL animation overrider- which is fascinating, when I catch myself doing it. I wonder if other SL junkies do that, or if it's just me....