So, I made it to 40 pounds yesterday; I’m one-third of the way to my goal. it gets more difficult as your weight goes down, or, at least, it takes longer. Once I’m no longer obese – probably about four more weeks – I’ll have to up my calories a few hundred per day. My current level is okay while obese, but not healthy thereafter.

Acquiring feminine skills includes learning to keep your legs together. I’m not presenting as female yet; but I did dress for my second appointment with the gender therapist. I wore pantyhose under my skirt; and, at one point, she advised me to do something about my legs, because she could see all my goodies. That was embarrassing. So, I’ve been practicing keeping my legs together, among other things. Ever try getting out of a car without separating your legs? You almost have to move the seat back to do it.

It’s getting more frustrating not being out as a woman. I’ve been wearing lip gloss to go walking at the mall. I started with the nude lip gloss, then progressed to something that can actually be seen, if I put on enough of it and you look closely in decent light. Well, yesterday, I just said, “Screw it,” and put on actual lipstick. It was a color close to my natural lip color, and, to tell the truth, I don’t know that anyone at the mall noticed. It wouldn’t have mattered if they had; I’m sick of hiding, and I feel better when I wear it.

However, after I came home, I was shopping online for boots. I wear a men’s size 11, which is a woman’s size 13; and that’s not a size with a great deal to offer in a woman’s shoe. Well, I found a really great pair of boots on the Target website, and it said they had it in-stock where I live. So, I went to Target; but, first, I refreshed my lipstick. It was about noon, and the light at Target was going to be much better than the light at the mall in the middle of the morning; but, as I said, I didn’t care. When I had to ask help from a salesgirl, however, I’m pretty sure she noticed, and didn’t approve. She thought I was funny, and not in a good way. She didn’t say anything, but it was clear enough. I shrugged it off; but, at the same time, after finding out that the boots were for girls (kids), not adult women, I left the store pretty quickly, and, in the process, nearly ran into another woman who was leaving at the same time. Not very feminine of me.

Part of me really doesn’t want to look ridiculous to other people; but the stronger part of me wants to express who I am, and that side is winning and will ultimately prevail. It ultimately doesn’t matter if the world think that this woman is a clown; I know she’s not. I get a great deal of satisfaction out of presenting as female – even if it’s just a little lipstick, or carrying a woman’s pocketbook. I’m declaring who I am, and other people are noticing. Some of them don’t bat an eye; some of them laugh at me; some of them look at me disapprovingly. But, however it comes out, I’m declaring who I am; and that’s what matters. How other people take me is up to them.

I eventually found a different pair of boots online, and I’m putting together a casual outfit with a western motif. Today I made another early trip to Walmart to shop for women’s jeans. I took my glittering pocketbook in with me, as I’ve done at this store several times before; and, after trying on a few pairs of jeans, found a pair that fit and that I could live with. At this point, with my weight what it is, my choices are few. Eventually, I’ll be able to be more selective. I also picked up a belt that actually fit – barely – and was reasonably attractive, in an understated sort of way (I like that). Now all I need is a really great top. I’m going to look for one the next time I go mall-walking.

Hugs.

While it's been exciting to follow your journey, I haven't been looking forward to the inevitable rough spots..

Thanks, Snaga.

Yes, it's no fun walking into a store preoccupied with whether or not you're going to be despised. I'm looking forward to the day it doesn't bother me.

Part of me kind of laughs at this drama, even as I suffer. It's all so ridiculous. I have to wear lipstick; and, once I figure out how to do my eyes, I'll have to do that, too. Eventually, I'll have to dress female, even before I transition, even while it's still obvious I'm physically male. I'll have to; I know it. Isn't that bizarre?

I see the HRT doctor later this week; hopefully, I'll be starting hormones shortly. All kinds of things can change, then. I can't wait to start wearing dresses without having to fake my figure.

Some will think it's bizarre; I don't. You're compelled to be freed from the prison of your birth gender; for me, virtual reality is enough. For you, you need more. It's not complicated; it's nothing you asked for, but it's what needs to be, for your happiness..