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Angelofmercy
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Posts: 64
Joined: Mon Aug 18, 2014 6:53 am
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- September 2014
Interesting Path
   Tue Sep 09, 2014 4:31 am
Sunday...a day of rest?
   Sun Sep 07, 2014 12:55 pm
Saturday I think LOL
   Sat Sep 06, 2014 4:44 am
Friday the 5th
   Fri Sep 05, 2014 10:23 am
Going to the T today
   Thu Sep 04, 2014 9:37 am

+ August 2014
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Interesting Path

Permanent Linkby Angelofmercy on Tue Sep 09, 2014 4:31 am

I've been seeing this woman who is Indian in descent. She is teaching me how to meditate, and accept only positive energy into my circle. It's all very interesting. I connect through the base of my spine to Mother Earth, and relax even more....Then I visualize the top of my head opening, and all of the anxiety producing racing thoughts go up into the clouds, and to the stars, then up to the divine light (which I consider God) That part is very powerful for me. I meditate 2 x's or more a day. This has always been difficult for me, because of my PTSD......but she showed me a way to keep negative energies away. I have four stones, each that have protective powers, one to the east of where I'm sitting, and one to the north,south, and west. I light a special candle, burn incense, and play soothing music. I've been going out to a nearby but very peaceful park in the morning before it gets too to, and meditate. I'ts amazing how much calmer I feel.When I get enough money she is going to help me release some of the negativity I still have towards my abuse wounds...
There's many ways of healing, and I've tried them all. I'm not against any manner of healing as long as it doesn't make things worse, and I have a gut feeling this will be helpful. This woman I have been seeing besides my counselors (which BTW first told me about this sort of meditation) She has taught me that I have the power to push evil, or negative energies away.

I know this is going to sound strange, and it can be believed or not but it truly happened to me. My Father was kicked out when I was 4 for abusing all of us. We didn't hear or see him until I was 29 yo., and my daughter was one. He was a mean man, but I didn't even really know him. Anyway, my little brother (who didn't remember him at all) went across the US to find him, and found him in Santa Rosa California. He spent some time with him there.....approximately a month after that, my Dad swooped in to see us. Not once did he ask about our lives, or apologize for anything. He wanted us to tell him that we loved him, when I didn't even know him. He went back to California after 2 days...sent the pictures back that I had taken of he and his granddaughter, and wrote a note saying he wouldn't bother me again. Now, I wasn't rude to him when he came....I was very polite and pleasant....but we had a lot of unfinished business. He was dead in 6 months of cancer. He didn't tell us he was sick. Only his first family knew, and at that time we weren't speaking to one another which actually has changed since.
I was home sick one day, and my Mom was with me taking care of my young daughter at that time, and I went to my room, and laid down to try and rest. I was playing soothing music. Suddenly, something invisible "sat" on the end of my bed at my feet. I heard the creak, and saw the indentation. I would also smell"dead things"...a smell of decaying flesh in that room, that no one else seemed to smell. I knew it was my Dad in my heart. I was so ambivalent after he died, I invited him to talk with me after he died. The problem was...it scared me to death. It didn't feel like a being of light but of darkness, and negativity. I slept on the couch from then on, and still do. He followed me from each place I moved (and I moved around a lot) I would wake up suddenly, thinking my daughter was standing over my bed needing something, and there would be no one. My cat was even acting oddly at different times, batting at things we couldn't see, walking back and forth on the recliner, meowing. Objects would disappear, and then reappear in weird places etc. So, when I finally moved into a house, I filled the house with Angel statues,
Smudged it with Sage, and forcefully told him to go and that he was not welcome.
After that......he was gone, and I had a peaceful home again.
The Indian lady I'm seeing told me he probably just wanted to communicate, and solve some unfinished business,...

[ Continued ]

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Sunday...a day of rest?

Permanent Linkby Angelofmercy on Sun Sep 07, 2014 12:55 pm

I went with my BF to the Casino last night and we were supposed to stay in a room for the night. It was fun but I''m worried about how much money he gambles. We ate, and went back to the room. We were intimate but it was sort of painful for me. I didn't let on (typical for me). We ended up leaving though because he suddenly took ill. I really like this guy, but sometimes it's hard to be present when we are together sexually. As soon as I feel pain (like if I'm not quite ready) I immediately dissociate. I don't want to do it, but it just happens. Still working on ways to stay present and connected.
Today, I'm going to do some ritual cleansing, and meditation. I consulted a natural path, who is teaching me how to let negative energy go, and to protect myself through meditation.
I have to go tot he GYN tomorrow and I'm sooooo not looking forward to it. I haven't been in 10 years, which I know is horrible since I'm a nurse, but it's just triggering. Deep breath. OK, gotta get up and start cleaning...this house stinks! LOL Dishes in the sink, cat pans to clean......my kids do nothing but make a mess, and they are GROWN! Grrrrr. Bye for now.

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Saturday I think LOL

Permanent Linkby Angelofmercy on Sat Sep 06, 2014 4:44 am

I was dx in 2013 with papillary multifocal thyroid cancer. I had two surgeries back to back and radioactive treatments and body scans.
they have been trying to make me hyperthyroid so if there are any cancer cells left....they won't activate and cause cancer somewhere else. I know this sounds confusing, and I'm a Nurse, and its confusing to me LOL
Anyway, I'm there now, and I think it's probably one of the reasons I can't sleep....here's what I have to live with the rest of my life, on top of being DID, anxious, and an insomniac before hand.
Sudden weight loss, even when your appetite and the amount and type of food you eat remain the same or even increase
Rapid heartbeat (tachycardia) — commonly more than 100 beats a minute — irregular heartbeat (arrhythmia) or pounding of your heart (palpitations)
Increased appetite
Nervousness, anxiety and irritability
Tremor — usually a fine trembling in your hands and fingers
Sweating
Changes in menstrual patterns
Increased sensitivity to heat
Changes in bowel patterns, especially more frequent bowel movements
An enlarged thyroid gland (goiter), which may appear as a swelling at the base of your neck
Fatigue, muscle weakness
Difficulty sleeping
Skin thinning
Fine, brittle hair
Nice huh? I might as well check myself in somewhere and go totally off the rails

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Friday the 5th

Permanent Linkby Angelofmercy on Fri Sep 05, 2014 10:23 am

Up early again...I don't know why sleep eludes me. I want to sleep....its usually an escape, except for the dreams. Which BTW NEVER go to sleep with Forensic Files on the TV. I Have had some of the most awful dreams sleeping with that show on LOL
I saw my T yesterday.....we talked about the many reasons I can't sleep or relax of meditate, and there are many of them....some of them trauma related, and some of them a little on the negative energy level. He taught me a unique technique to try, but I have to collect some things first, and then I tell you if they work. It's hard to calm yourself and meditate, because you have to let your guard down, and purposely dissociate. Now dissociation comes easy for me, and I do it all the time, whether I want to or not, but this is a controlled dissociation with a purpose. I''m going to get some healing articles today, and see if what he told me works.
I just posted a note on possession, which I don't believe has ANYTHING to do with DID, but I do come froma long line of women in my family of clairvoyants, channelers, and mediums. It goes back past my great grandparents. I grew up with these beliefs. Even though my daughter is Bi Polar, she sees and hears things that medication doesn't touch....I've had experiences, that I can't explain either....not related to the DID, so I do have an open mind. Anyway, my T also has a expanded view also of negative energies and such and has given me this exercise...a little out of the realm of psychology, and I'm excited to try it. I'm so glad there are T's out there with open minds. I'lllet you know how it works.
Bye for now!

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Going to the T today

Permanent Linkby Angelofmercy on Thu Sep 04, 2014 9:37 am

Back to the can't sleep mode.......was really sick over the last weekend Holiday...just trying to feel better now. I think this is the last time I can see this T due to insurance issues, which really blows because we really get each other, but what can I do? Sigh. I'll have to start with another one, which is always uncomfortable. I reeeeeaaaaly don't want to get into abuse issues again.
Getting ancy just puttering around the house....not much to watch on TV at Midnight...my appointment is at 10am. I have the horrible desire to go spend money we can't afford. Not working, the days melt into each other. I'm not used to having free time. My moods are all over the place. At times I just want to sleep (Mainly as an escape) but then I always freakin wake up, and everything is still there that I wanted to escape from, only amplified because I didn't do anything about it in the first place. Sigh :( I should know all of the coping skills..after all I was a psych nurse for years....how come they don't work for me?
I just want to feel normal...even though I don't even know what that means anymore. Maybe i never did. Tons of problems and no answers. Really miss my Mom around times like this when things are tough. Maybe not so much when I was growing up, but she was always there for me as an adult. My Dad is gone too, but I barely even remember him. I think the only memory have of him was when I was 4, and we drove him to the bus stop, when my Mom kicked him out for his abuse. My memory of that is really clear, and my Mom reinforced that it really did happen. I didn't see him again until I was 29. It didn't go too well, and he was dead in 6 months. I never really got to say what I wanted to, or ask him why he never kept in touch with us growing up. My younger brother, who really didn't know him, went looking for him and found him in California with his millionth family.......then he suddenly swooped down on the rest of us for a few days. He died of cancer...might have known it when he visited but didn't tell us;. He really didn't want to know anything about our lives....his whole focus was to tell us about him and his many adventures. He did meet my daughter, who was then 1 yr old, but didn't have much interest in her. He was a very self absorbed person. It's sad, because a girl really needs her Daddy, and I needed on all my life, but I guess you get by with what you have. I wouldn't have wanted him the way he was when he and my Mom were together. So basically, after Mom died, I was left/felt like an orphan. No one told me I would feel like that.....and yet I've talked to others who have lost both parents, and they feel it too.
Not sure why I'm thinking about that this am.....but since this is a blog...I guess that's where it goes. I guess I'll go and get a shower and go shopping at the 24 Walmart LOL
Bye Blog

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