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Aggie78
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Posts: 35
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2021 11:18 pm
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- July 2022
I guess this is how it’s going to be
   Mon Jul 25, 2022 11:00 pm
Another explosion; truth comes out
   Fri Jul 15, 2022 11:08 am
From butterflies to tortoises
   Thu Jul 07, 2022 10:47 am
There are improvements, but it’s tough going
   Wed Jul 06, 2022 10:36 pm
Continuing recovery
   Sun Jul 03, 2022 11:09 pm

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I guess this is how it’s going to be

Permanent Linkby Aggie78 on Mon Jul 25, 2022 11:00 pm

The only good news is that it bothers me less. My husband loves being angry and when he decides it’s okay to be angry and say whatever he wants, he will do that. Counseling has not helped. The neuropsych eval was instructive (to me) but overall there has been no change.
So the issue is whether I will just accept this going forward. Yes, I will.
You guys may not hear from me again. He’s just an a-hole and I married him. I still take my vows seriously. I feel sorry for him that he turns into such an obnoxious $#%^ whenever he’s angry. I don’t think there’s another woman on the planet that would tolerate this and still stay with him. He needs someone to take care of him and I believe God put me with him for that reason.
Till death do us part. For better or for worse. I have learned how to cope and move forward, every time this recurs.
Best wishes to you all.
Last edited by Snaga on Tue Jul 26, 2022 3:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

1 Comment Viewed 1744 times

Another explosion; truth comes out

Permanent Linkby Aggie78 on Fri Jul 15, 2022 11:08 am

My husband seems to be 2 people. When he’s not angry, life is pretty good, he has a good sense of humor and is fun to be around.
But when he engages the anger gear (and I know it’s voluntary because he likes the feeling of anger), he’s a vicious, suspicious, mean psycho. He feels entitled to be angry, because he’s just entitled. Because he’s the great [insert name here]! Because anger and viciousness led to success in the heavy construction industry. He used anger and vicious shouting to scare and motivate people and he had the power to fire them. Oh, what his bosses must have gone through, but I’m sure he was an effective construction manager of MEN. Maybe men are more ok with that vicious behavior because they have it too. He projected himself as the ultimate vicious psycho badass and no one wanted to cross him. Fistfights were common and he was let go of his last 2 jobs because of them. Things changed, even in the construction world.
Back to the present. Yesterday he was sure I was doing things to intentionally defeat him and “kill” him. The particulars no longer matter. Yelling, screaming demeaning things at me and I stood there and took it silently. Why, because it was his birthday. Then he said he couldn’t wait to get enough money to leave me. Geez dude, why wait? Just go get a #%*@ job and make some money. Like me: the person who manages all the bills and keeps them all paid, juggles all the farm expenses even when there is no money coming in, and manages to keep everything running. I’m retired but still work part time and bring in the $ needed to keep this all paid for.

But no, he creates obstacles to leaving, and loves stewing in his pity party. I left that afternoon, went to wash the truck, came home, made my dinner and went back to the guest bedroom. He said nothing which is GREAT. I started his birthday celebration the day before by being sweet, cheerful, loving and even made him homemade peach cobbler from the few peaches we had on the peach tree. I had covered that tree in bird net so the birds wouldn’t get them. I worked all spring and summer to make sure we could have some peaches for his birthday cobbler and it worked. I hung out with him all day before his birthday and on his birthday, except when I had zoom calls for work.
I swear, me being extra attentive, cheerful and sweet actually caused his meltdown!! I gave him zero cause for any of this and he turned into a brutal psycho as always.

2 Comments Viewed 2849 times

From butterflies to tortoises

Permanent Linkby Aggie78 on Thu Jul 07, 2022 10:47 am

During a particularly dark period, I told my sister I wish I’d been born a butterfly. I would have a few glorious weeks as a spectacular creature and then it would all be over. Instead, I’m a tortoise that goes on and on and on, in an ugly body with a demeaning life.

She drew some pretty butterflies and sent them to me! How sweet. Then I spent that summer embroidering a quilt top with lots of butterflies. When it was done I folded it and put it away, and kind of forgot about it. I found it again last week and want to finish this quilt. Just looking at all these butterflies I made at a time I wished my life was over, makes me realize my mood has improved.
I no longer view myself as a tortoise either.
I considered using tortoises on the other side of the quilt, just to complete the concept. I wonder if whoever ends up with this quilt would understand that one side represents the shortest life and the other the longest life? Would it be emotionally healthy for me to do this?
I’m considering other options for the back of the quilt. So my fellow travelers, feel free to reply with some ideas!

2 Comments Viewed 2485 times

There are improvements, but it’s tough going

Permanent Linkby Aggie78 on Wed Jul 06, 2022 10:36 pm

Hello everyone:

Today started ok, but got a little rough during the farming. The tractor was running rough and we both figured it was a fuel filter or fuel issue. Fuel additive went in the tank, opened the sump drain on the bottom and everything ran clear. Still rough. It has 2 fuel filters (primary and secondary). I had the secondary filter on hand and changed it, after becoming a contortionist around a hot tractor engine. I was soaked in diesel but got the job done. Started again and still rough so the primary filter needed to be changed. Welllll, the only place to get that is the Joh Deere dealer: the same place that my husband accused the manager of making advances at me last year during a particularly psycho period.
So we took our showers and we’re getting ready to do and he finally said he didn’t want to go. I couldn’t believe it. I said so you want me to go by myself, even after the bizarre accusations you made against those people? How embarrassing. But I need the filter so I will go.
He stayed home and I went to get the filter and a few other items. He called me and texted a few times while I was in the trip, which is odd. I’m sure he still has those strange jealous feelings and I am so sick of living like this.

0 Comments Viewed 1253 times

Continuing recovery

Permanent Linkby Aggie78 on Sun Jul 03, 2022 11:09 pm

Hello everyone:

My husband has been seeing a counselor for anger issues, and it has helped a great deal. Fewer Out bursts. However he is still jealous/resentful of the horse shoer for some unknown reason. He actually talked to him the last time he was here (yesterday). But today he denigrates him and says he ain’t worth a $#%^. I said fine, I will find a new horse Shoer. Then he says he’s ok, and I guess he thinks I will forget all the mean ugly things he said about him. No, those things can’t be un-said. It/s a shame that our horses will suffer because my husband’s brain is messed up.
Jesus Christ why can’t he just relax and be cool about anything? Everything has to be an uphill battle. It’s just a ######6 horse shoer!!! I just need a horse shoer that will take care of our horses feet!!
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Jul 04, 2022 2:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

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