Psychology and Mental Health Forum

Author:  Ada [ Wed Dec 19, 2012 6:57 pm ]
Blog Subject:  Watching the thoughts go by

I went 26 days without daydreaming. I haven't done that since I can remember. At least 25 years.

The first 10 days were on n-acetyl cysteine. I love that stuff. Then I stopped taking it, to have a break and reset my body chemistry. Thinking I'd go back to daydreaming or being miserably grumpy while trying to stop by willpower alone. Except I didn't want to daydream the first day off it. Or the second. And then I went another 15 days with little or no desire to daydream.

Then Monday, some dream thoughts crept back in. So I started taking the NAC again. Tuesday I probably lost 3-4 hours. Not bad, compared to what used to happen! But not that good. More NAC. Today, I daydreamed on and off for maybe an hour this morning whilst doing some manual tasks. And then the desire faded out mid-afternoon. And I had my new-normal level of focus.

Then I hit a trigger. And I could see that's where the desire would normally come. I could think about the content of my most recent daydream as a still image. But there was no desire to move from a still to a scene. No emotional pull. It's wonderful.

I miss daydreaming. I miss the warm, comfortable, interesting world in my head. My life is small and bleak at the moment. But I know that's my own fault. And, interestingly, I don't think it's been caused by my MDD. That covered up some of the deficiencies of my life and lifestyle but I no longer think it caused them. Because I'm not a social butterfly, working and playing hard, now that I've stopped. LOL!! And thinking back, of course I have never been that kind of person. It's just hard to unpick the cause and effect when there's so much interference from a maladaptive thought pattern. It's easy to blame everything bad on "this stupid problem I have". But that really isn't true.

Tomorrow I'll start my next run of zero daydreaming. I'm looking forward to it.

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