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Watching the thoughts go by

Permanent Linkby Ada on Wed Dec 19, 2012 6:57 pm

I went 26 days without daydreaming. I haven't done that since I can remember. At least 25 years.

The first 10 days were on n-acetyl cysteine. I love that stuff. Then I stopped taking it, to have a break and reset my body chemistry. Thinking I'd go back to daydreaming or being miserably grumpy while trying to stop by willpower alone. Except I didn't want to daydream the first day off it. Or the second. And then I went another 15 days with little or no desire to daydream.

Then Monday, some dream thoughts crept back in. So I started taking the NAC again. Tuesday I probably lost 3-4 hours. Not bad, compared to what used to happen! But not that good. More NAC. Today, I daydreamed on and off for maybe an hour this morning whilst doing some manual tasks. And then the desire faded out mid-afternoon. And I had my new-normal level of focus.

Then I hit a trigger. And I could see that's where the desire would normally come. I could think about the content of my most recent daydream as a still image. But there was no desire to move from a still to a scene. No emotional pull. It's wonderful.

I miss daydreaming. I miss the warm, comfortable, interesting world in my head. My life is small and bleak at the moment. But I know that's my own fault. And, interestingly, I don't think it's been caused by my MDD. That covered up some of the deficiencies of my life and lifestyle but I no longer think it caused them. Because I'm not a social butterfly, working and playing hard, now that I've stopped. LOL!! And thinking back, of course I have never been that kind of person. It's just hard to unpick the cause and effect when there's so much interference from a maladaptive thought pattern. It's easy to blame everything bad on "this stupid problem I have". But that really isn't true.

Tomorrow I'll start my next run of zero daydreaming. I'm looking forward to it.

We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.

Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
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