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Ada
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Rather tired of myself

Permanent Linkby Ada on Wed Jun 27, 2012 8:07 pm

I've been waiting all week for the blues to lift and to enjoy the small stuff in life, which is an attitude I have the majority of the time. Instead it's been Introspection Central with no answers, just insoluble questions, centring around the theme of my last post. If I can't trust myself to make sensible life decisions based on self-knowledge, what then?

At the moment, I am not working. I saved up and bought myself a grace period. Perhaps I need to work? I thought it was a significant source of stress and enforced boredom. But what if I'm more bored now and that's why I'm Ouroborosing my own brain? How could I be bored when I have all the books and internet in the world? Maybe I need the unpredictability of people. I thought I didn't like having people around! I thought I found them tiring and that they sapped my will to live! Have I have so over-simplified that analysis that I made it fundamentally useless? Or is it flat out wrong? I wonder if I lack challenge. But how can I be challenged in a way that doesn't provoke massive stress? A low-stress balance, but that's not how it works. I need to deal better with stress as an inevitable part of a change. But I can't see my way to a positive challenge at the moment. Only the way to enforced boredom and stress and I am not going that way.

A few years ago, I went to a career counsellor. I filled in lots of questionnaires, talked about my CV so far and what I liked to do. At the end of the session, she said: "well I think you'd be a really good career counsellor." My urge to be camouflaged bites me in the ass on a regular basis.

I rewatched a few episodes of Sherlock last week. I watch minimal TV as I find it sets off daydreaming too often. Sherlock does that too, but at least there's not many episodes to be sucked in by. It has still triggered a lot of fantasy since then. And I have a new worry. What if this isn't my boredom at all? What if this is the boredom of a relatively unpleasant and entirely fictional character?

Clearly the answer is to read something very wholesome and energetic. TV and film is too unpredictable in its input and effect, but a book might work. What should I prescribe myself?


And as an aside, if this is true and not just another example of my lack of self-knowledge, what kind of stupidly malleable personality is that? I thought I erred on the side of inflexibility if anything. That's what I've been told more than once. Was I told by inflexible people? Funny thought. I am sick of this thinking.

We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
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