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Ada
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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

I need a nemesis?

Permanent Linkby Ada on Tue Nov 20, 2012 6:23 pm

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2012/10/the_story_of_narcissus.html

QUOTE: 'The story you know is that Narcissus was so beautiful that everyone wanted to be with him, but he rejected them all: no, no, no, no, no, not good enough. One rejected lover was furious and begged Nemesis, the goddess of vengeance, for retribution. "If Narcissus ever falls in love, don't let the love be returned!" Nemesis heard the prayer and caused Narcissus to fall in love with himself: he was led to a pool of water, and when he looked into it, he fell in love with what he saw. And what he saw wasn't real, so of course it couldn't love him back. But Narcissus sat patiently, forever, hoping that one day that beautiful person in the bottom of the pool was going to come out and love him.'

QUOTE: 'What did Narcissus do when he saw something beautiful in that pool? He fantasized and dreamed all the different possibilities of that person, all the things that person could be to him. He didn't stay there for years because the reflection had pretty hair. He stayed because daydreaming takes a lot of time.'


Oh my goodness. Yes it does. This is a fascinating read, not because I strongly identify as a narcissist, but because it shows me my daydreaming in a way that I can SEE it. Normally I'm so far inside it that it's difficult to reflect on it. Or my reflections are shallow. "I am daydreaming about talking to someone interesting. That must mean I want to speak to more interesting people and for them to find me interesting too." Entirely true, not so helpful.


QUOTE: 'You thought nemesis meant enemy, you thought it meant the person who always opposes you, the one you struggle most against. A person who is something like you, but the opposite. But all of those explanations are your lies working to hide the truth: a nemesis is the one who makes you fall in love with yourself. Without Nemesis, there'd be no story of Narcissus. Without your nemesis, you don't have a story.'


I already know how to not want what I can't have, that's not hard. I don't think I know how to want. Or perhaps I don't know how to be brave about pursuing desire. About feeling like I can sometimes achieve whatever it is. I want a story. One that's outside my own head.


QUOTE: 'The moral of the story of Narcissus, told as a warning for the very people who refuse to hear it as such, is that how Narcissus came to be is irrelevant. What was important was what he did, and what he did---- was nothing.'


I am an expert in doing nothing. I don't know how to do something. It would seem like doing ANYTHING would help, but it isn't quite that simple. After all, daydreaming is doing "something". Posting here now is doing something. I'm still missing one or more pieces of the puzzle.

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

I'm starting an external blog about my daydreaming problem

Permanent Linkby Ada on Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:52 am

I have two blog posts pending publication here, and it is frustrating to add a third to the queue. I'm clearly making work for the forum moderators, and it's not a fully-fledged blog system as you'll see if you try to add a comment. When I do that, I either see 'this comment needs to be approved' or 'you do not have permissions to complete this action.' Not being able to use BBCode is a pain too! Finally, I can't edit any posts here, which makes sense in terms of keeping a permanent record and in helping posters understand that their words are saved in search engines even if they could edit them, but it is very annoying when I spot typos that I want to fix or points that I'd like to clarify. So I'll be blogging mainly at:

http://daydreamunbeliever.wordpress.com

which now contains the content from my first daydreaming posts here, plus I'll be updating it on the subjects of fantasising, maladaptive daydreaming and trying to quit unhealthy thought processes. If you're interested, you're welcome to visit, and hopefully it will be easier to make comments too, should you wish.

Here, I'll probably stick to occasional posts about SPD and related topics and it will be much less frequently posted to since most of my thoughts are better written in forum topics.

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

What's the point again?

Permanent Linkby Ada on Tue Jul 03, 2012 1:08 pm

Fell off the wagon.

In fact I didn't fall, I threw myself off and rolled in the dust for five hours last night and I'm still doing it today. I've been awake 6hrs: 2hrs of that has been productive, 4hrs spent in a fantasy.

If daydreaming were a real problem it would have been DSMed to death years ago. So it's an imaginary problem. Irony alert.

The problem is my having problem with it. It doesn't hurt anyone, no-one even knows, I'm no less productive than the average TV watcher, what good is feeling angry or empty when I might just as well be feeling content. No-one cares if I do it or not. So why do I care? I don't understand it, or me or anything.

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Anger

Permanent Linkby Ada on Mon Jul 02, 2012 2:01 pm

Day 5. I've had heaps of slips, but none have gone too far, I've been able to gently pull myself away before getting submerged in a fantasy. It's hard, though. And it's hard to explain how it's hard. The stopping itself isn't too bad. It's the surrounding feelings, if that makes any sense. I'm kicking against this rule I've made for myself.

http://daydreamingdisorder.webs.com/possibletreatments.htm

"Some people on our forums have stated that they have experienced some emotional withdrawal symptoms when they try to lessen or stop daydreaming. People have mentioned such symptoms as anxiety, depression, a feeling of emptiness, changes in sleep patterns, etc. You may or may not experience this, however, daydreaming is by definition an escape from reality. By removing that activity, feeling, thoughts, and issues that have not been dealt with may rise to the surface and now need to be faced and worked through. Please consider both therapy and medication if you find it hard to cope without daydreaming in your life. Both of these things have been very helpful to me. At the very least, be aware that this could initially happen when you start to control your daydreaming, and be prepared to work through it."

Anxiety, no. For a change.
Depression, is too strong, but I'm definitely gloomy.
Emptiness, yes yes yes.
No changes in sleep patterns as yet.

But it doesn't mention anger, which is by far my most prevalent feeling. There is no abuse or trauma in my past to account for either the daydreaming or the anger. I don't know why I'm angry, but I know that for five days I've been having repeated strong urges to punch the wall, scream, cry and other things. None of which I've done, perhaps I should go beat hell out of a pillow and see if that relieves anything. Why am I angry, though? With myself? I'm usually quite accepting of myself and I don't feel like my life would be radically different without constant daydreaming. Or maybe it would and I just can't admit that to myself now. To say that half my life was largely useless and that I need to start again from here. I can see why I'd be angry at that. I don't know if it's true, though. How ridiculous I am. :)

Am I finding it hard to cope? It doesn't seem any worse than the people I've known who've tried to give up smoking. It helps that I live alone, am not currently working, and see people only when I want to, so I'm not risking making anyone else's life miserable.

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Maladaptive daydreaming

Permanent Linkby Ada on Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:30 pm

Apologies for yesterday's passive-aggressive blog post. It hasn't been approved yet, but I can't edit it anyway. To be fair to the officially-diagnosed, if I were them, I would be far more cross about wannabes than they are. So, I'll shut up. :)

Last night I dreamed that I was daydreaming! I woke up confused about that, but over the morning the memories and dreams sorted themselves out. This is the strongest sign yet that I'm on the right track in quitting, and my general foul mood and the fact that I haven't yet gone longer than 6 hours without lapsing are supporting evidence. I can't talk about this to anyone in real life, and I'm very unlikely to mention it elsewhere in the forum, because it sounds so bloody stupid in comparison to the real problems people have to cope with. I'll just go on about it here.

The problem: Excessive fantasising. I tend to call it daydreaming because fantasy sounds like it's sexual and most of the time it isn't.

How long has it been going on: Possibly since I was 7. I have a "school essay" from that time that strongly implies it. But that I can remember for sure, from 15.

Why do it: Because it's fun! Because it's always interesting, stimulating, entertaining. Because it's a way to cope with hard situations. Or boring ones. Because I like my fantasy-self more than I like my real-self [and I like my real self a lot, honestly no self esteem issues here or inferiority complexes! I mean by this how very much I love that imagined perfect me.]

Why is it a problem: Because I want to do it in preference to anything else. Because I can spend 15+ hours a day doing it. Because sometimes I get confused between something I've imagined and something that happened. Because I suspect it saps my motivation to do anything in the real world. Because I'm afraid I'll suddenly start regretting all the time I've spent doing it. Because it doesn't feel like it's under control.

How am I stopping: By avoiding or stopping all daydreams that involve people. Either directly or their voices. I'm keeping on with talking to myself, imaginary blog posts [LOL], anything that's solo. I'm not trying to rid myself of all thought, it's just one very specific branch of thought I'm trying to saw off. I've cut way down on listening to the music which i associate with it. Then it's just a question of repetition. 'No, I decided not to think like that. Let's think about something else.' Or 'Ooops, I have been fantasizing, now I will stop and refocus.' Some breathing exercises, and some looking intently at any object near me. 'This is real and what I am thinking about now, not the imagined stuff. Real. Here. Now.' I don't know if there is such a thing as a cure and what it might look like, but taking control is important.

How is it going: For a 25 year old habit, very well! I'm on Day 3. There were a few lapses on Thursday and Friday, and three today where I realised I had been imagining monologues at someone I'm angry with. Each time I was able to recognise that I was doing it before it went from an intellectual to an emotional activity. [Those aren't quite the right words, but I hope you know what I mean, I don't know any jargon to more accurately describe thought-states.] I'm much more aware of time passing, and although I didn't expect this to change my outward life much, I have been more productive by my own definition.

Downsides: General bad temper. Fierce boredom. Anger at being bored. Embarrassment at seeing this as a problem when everyone else seems to handle it just fine.

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