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Ada
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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

Unsupportive support

Permanent Linkby Ada on Tue Feb 12, 2013 8:09 pm

The support group for Maladaptive Daydreaming, through no fault of any one member, is very depressing. Mostly people tell stories of being laughed at or dismissed by doctors and psychs. If they have the courage to talk about it. Which I don't. And of not being able to talk to family or friends because it is a "made up" issue that no-one's ever heard of. It's shameful, not to have control of your own brain and time. To be very lost in a world made by someone else. Recent admissions have included Naruto, Hogwarts, Middle Earth and Twenties Hollywood. Even where people are creating their own world, it's so overwhelming it becomes corrosive to Reality.

A few people are aggressive about their own solutions. "Just get a better life and you won't need to daydream." "Just learn to meditate like a Bodhisattva and you won't need to daydream." "Just accept the daydreams, they're inspiring." No. They're wasting my life as surely as if I had a crack habit. There is no rehab when your own brain supplies the crack. I can't get a better life while I'm swallowed up in it. And if I had the willpower to meditate on a beneficially regular basis, I probably wouldn't need to.

Are they a habit that we can train ourselves out of? An addiction that we could 12 step away from? A brain-f-up that needs medication? How can I fix something I don't understand the mode of action of? And by myself.

I keep thinking I have some of the answers. There have been times that I've stopped over the last 20 years. But none of them work consistently enough to say "this is it for me." Different things work at different times. And then I lose 6 weeks of a perfectly good year because nothing works. I don't want this to be my life. And that feeling is one more trigger. It's almost funny.

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Night time thinking

Permanent Linkby Ada on Wed Jan 09, 2013 8:59 pm

I am a black box. What I think about myself isn't true. What I would like to think isn't true either. Perhaps that means there is no truth. I am a black box. To which the world sends input which is refracted through a crystalline personality structure and then output.


I lied in my last post. I haven't stopped daydreaming since. 10-12 hours a day. Such petty madness.

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

Watching the thoughts go by

Permanent Linkby Ada on Wed Dec 19, 2012 6:57 pm

I went 26 days without daydreaming. I haven't done that since I can remember. At least 25 years.

The first 10 days were on n-acetyl cysteine. I love that stuff. Then I stopped taking it, to have a break and reset my body chemistry. Thinking I'd go back to daydreaming or being miserably grumpy while trying to stop by willpower alone. Except I didn't want to daydream the first day off it. Or the second. And then I went another 15 days with little or no desire to daydream.

Then Monday, some dream thoughts crept back in. So I started taking the NAC again. Tuesday I probably lost 3-4 hours. Not bad, compared to what used to happen! But not that good. More NAC. Today, I daydreamed on and off for maybe an hour this morning whilst doing some manual tasks. And then the desire faded out mid-afternoon. And I had my new-normal level of focus.

Then I hit a trigger. And I could see that's where the desire would normally come. I could think about the content of my most recent daydream as a still image. But there was no desire to move from a still to a scene. No emotional pull. It's wonderful.

I miss daydreaming. I miss the warm, comfortable, interesting world in my head. My life is small and bleak at the moment. But I know that's my own fault. And, interestingly, I don't think it's been caused by my MDD. That covered up some of the deficiencies of my life and lifestyle but I no longer think it caused them. Because I'm not a social butterfly, working and playing hard, now that I've stopped. LOL!! And thinking back, of course I have never been that kind of person. It's just hard to unpick the cause and effect when there's so much interference from a maladaptive thought pattern. It's easy to blame everything bad on "this stupid problem I have". But that really isn't true.

Tomorrow I'll start my next run of zero daydreaming. I'm looking forward to it.

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

10 days without daydreaming. Here comes the hard part.

Permanent Linkby Ada on Sun Dec 02, 2012 12:40 pm

The miracle of NAC worked for a solid 8 days. On Day 9, I had a few stray scenes from an old daydream cross my mind. Yesterday, Day 10, a few new scenes popped in, too. I wasn't attached to them, they didn't have a strong emotional content. But still a very clear warning sign that the NAC was starting to fail.

Today, I've stopped taking it. I'll have a break until next Saturday. And then begin again. I'm hoping that I can get through this week with willpower and the certain knowledge that I will not die or be a miserable human being if I don't daydream. Which is how it honestly feels when I want to do it and try not to.

So far today, I haven't had any desire. I'm keeping mentally busy, which helps. And avoiding triggers. I deleted my YouTube video history and WinAmp radio channels [music is a MAJOR trigger.] I have zipped the files of a few TV shows I have downloaded. I enjoy them, but they trigger daydream within minutes. I'm hoping "hiding" them might assist my besieged willpower.


The MDD Yahoo Group continues to stimulate thought and provoke annoyance. One unhelpful person was talking about "whether anyone roleplayed their daydreams with others." Like acting or SCA. To which a sane voice replied-

Quote: I guess I feel like we spend too much time on this list talking about desirable, healthy fantasy activities instead of focusing on what brings us here, which is *maladaptive* and damaging. It's like being on a listserv for alcoholics and talking about social drinking all the time, or giving tips for how we control drinking.


SO TRUE!!! Yes, it's great that 99.9% of the world can have fun daydreaming and it's an awesome pastime for them. Yes, there is some conflict when it's clear that daydreaming is provoking emotions that wouldn't otherwise be expressed. Yes, it feels good doing it. It's still NOT HEALTHY FOR ME.

In the past 10 days, I've found my ability to get to sleep and to lie substantially reduced. The lying was a funny discovery. Who knew?! I STILL would rather have a life of truth and stuttery half-truth on less sleep, than one where I am dead to the world for hours every day. No, MDD is not a debilitating problem. I look at descriptions of just about every other mental health issue going and think "I would not swap"! That doesn't mean I want this either. I just hope I can remember that when the desire comes back full force. I only have to make it to Saturday, when I can start back on the NAC crutch. How long does a 25 year mental habit take to break? Will I ever be able to "safely" daydream, or is this like alcohol? All or nothing.

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

Daydreaming and an analytical problem

Permanent Linkby Ada on Fri Nov 23, 2012 3:04 pm

Maladaptive daydreaming is a real problem. Not an imaginary one. I know this, because yesterday and today, I didn't do it. I've started taking n-acetyl-cysteine again at a higher dose than before. And for me, it IS a magic wand poking into my daydreams' OFF button.

As far as I can tell I feel the same as usual in all other ways, mentally and physically. It's just that the desire to avoid reality, to get out of my head into a dream, is dialled down to 1% of the usual amount. And from there I can actively choose not to do it. Like I guess 'nons' do. And those people who say "daydreaming is normal. everyone does it. why are you having a problem."

When I'm in daydream mode, it seems like the hardest concept EVER to deliberately choose to stop. I sabotage myself instantly. I listen to and believe thoughts which tell me that I will not be able to cope with the boredom / fear / loneliness / regret / <insert other negative states here>. I allow myself to be triggered by music, forum posts, random passing thoughts. I tell myself that it is a coping strategy, a self-soothing mechanism, a positive action. But from the other side of it, that is NOT TRUE. I can live without it. My psyche does not collapse. It is not stressful. Although logging it here won't help. When the NAC stops working, as it always does after a week or two, I will go back to those maladaptive beliefs. I will read this and say "yes, but. BUT." So frustrating.

I should in this mind lull, try to unpick the damn thing. Am I afraid of failure? Success? Being alone or being overwhelmed by people? Afraid of boredom? Interesting that fear is my first assumption. What about anger? I know I express that very badly. Is this one giant sublimation of anger? Am I empty inside and scrabbling in my own mind to fill myself up?

The downside of turning daydreams off is that my imagination goes with them. So all those questions are just words. And I can't create answers. But I would still choose this dull, unimaginative, uncreative state over the daydream state ANY time. I hope it lasts for ever.

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