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Ada
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Daydreaming and an analytical problem

Permanent Linkby Ada on Fri Nov 23, 2012 3:04 pm

Maladaptive daydreaming is a real problem. Not an imaginary one. I know this, because yesterday and today, I didn't do it. I've started taking n-acetyl-cysteine again at a higher dose than before. And for me, it IS a magic wand poking into my daydreams' OFF button.

As far as I can tell I feel the same as usual in all other ways, mentally and physically. It's just that the desire to avoid reality, to get out of my head into a dream, is dialled down to 1% of the usual amount. And from there I can actively choose not to do it. Like I guess 'nons' do. And those people who say "daydreaming is normal. everyone does it. why are you having a problem."

When I'm in daydream mode, it seems like the hardest concept EVER to deliberately choose to stop. I sabotage myself instantly. I listen to and believe thoughts which tell me that I will not be able to cope with the boredom / fear / loneliness / regret / <insert other negative states here>. I allow myself to be triggered by music, forum posts, random passing thoughts. I tell myself that it is a coping strategy, a self-soothing mechanism, a positive action. But from the other side of it, that is NOT TRUE. I can live without it. My psyche does not collapse. It is not stressful. Although logging it here won't help. When the NAC stops working, as it always does after a week or two, I will go back to those maladaptive beliefs. I will read this and say "yes, but. BUT." So frustrating.

I should in this mind lull, try to unpick the damn thing. Am I afraid of failure? Success? Being alone or being overwhelmed by people? Afraid of boredom? Interesting that fear is my first assumption. What about anger? I know I express that very badly. Is this one giant sublimation of anger? Am I empty inside and scrabbling in my own mind to fill myself up?

The downside of turning daydreams off is that my imagination goes with them. So all those questions are just words. And I can't create answers. But I would still choose this dull, unimaginative, uncreative state over the daydream state ANY time. I hope it lasts for ever.

We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
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