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Author:  Ada [ Thu Mar 07, 2013 10:58 pm ]
Blog Subject:  Back on the planet

The last two days have been very difficult. I've been almost constantly in daydream. It's taken a major effort to eat or sleep anywhere close to the usual times. I've had a few time-bound commitments on and offline which I've fulfilled. But then back to daydreaming. And there's other tasks I'm putting off. No. "Putting off" is too generous. I've mostly forgotten they even exist. My other world is so much more vivid. I know it's not real. Some of it I don't want to be real. I just can't stay out of it. Some of it I want more than anything here. And that's a force I don't know how to fight.

Today I have my feet slightly more on the ground. I've only spent 10 hours rather than 16+ daydreaming. What a pathetic use of life. I'm cross with myself [uselessly.] There are other things I could / should be doing. Things that would make the world a 0.00001% better place. Daydreaming absolutely doesn't. At worst I do no harm.

I'm so disconnected. And I can't imagine how it could be different. Isn't that ridiculous? I could take silver at least at a Fantasisers' Olympics. But using the real facts of my life, I can't see useful potential changes. The key being "useful". I've changed many things in practice over the last 10 years. The basics have stayed horribly consistent.

Future Me is going to be exasperated about a "simple thing" I should be thinking of and doing instead of writing this post. Sorry, Future Me. We both know it isn't that easy. In the future we'll laugh bitterly about it.



Comments

Author:  yuno [ Fri Mar 08, 2013 1:49 am ]

i don't think you're pathetic for daydreaming. as you said yourself earlier, you're not in control (or at least not enough in control). why is it so important to be useful? don't you think you have an excuse? :)

longing for something you can't have sounds ... exhausting. i'm pretty sure i have bdd (i know this isn't a thread, i'm going somewhere with this). some days when i look in the mirror i feel good about myself and some days i don't. on a bad day i only wish that what i saw in the mirror on the good day was 'real'. it's like what i see on a good day is an illusion, a dream, and i can't bring that with me onto a bad day.

anyway, i think i understand how you feel.

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