The miracle of NAC worked for a solid 8 days. On Day 9, I had a few stray scenes from an old daydream cross my mind. Yesterday, Day 10, a few new scenes popped in, too. I wasn't attached to them, they didn't have a strong emotional content. But still a very clear warning sign that the NAC was starting to fail.

Today, I've stopped taking it. I'll have a break until next Saturday. And then begin again. I'm hoping that I can get through this week with willpower and the certain knowledge that I will not die or be a miserable human being if I don't daydream. Which is how it honestly feels when I want to do it and try not to.

So far today, I haven't had any desire. I'm keeping mentally busy, which helps. And avoiding triggers. I deleted my YouTube video history and WinAmp radio channels [music is a MAJOR trigger.] I have zipped the files of a few TV shows I have downloaded. I enjoy them, but they trigger daydream within minutes. I'm hoping "hiding" them might assist my besieged willpower.


The MDD Yahoo Group continues to stimulate thought and provoke annoyance. One unhelpful person was talking about "whether anyone roleplayed their daydreams with others." Like acting or SCA. To which a sane voice replied-

Quote: I guess I feel like we spend too much time on this list talking about desirable, healthy fantasy activities instead of focusing on what brings us here, which is *maladaptive* and damaging. It's like being on a listserv for alcoholics and talking about social drinking all the time, or giving tips for how we control drinking.


SO TRUE!!! Yes, it's great that 99.9% of the world can have fun daydreaming and it's an awesome pastime for them. Yes, there is some conflict when it's clear that daydreaming is provoking emotions that wouldn't otherwise be expressed. Yes, it feels good doing it. It's still NOT HEALTHY FOR ME.

In the past 10 days, I've found my ability to get to sleep and to lie substantially reduced. The lying was a funny discovery. Who knew?! I STILL would rather have a life of truth and stuttery half-truth on less sleep, than one where I am dead to the world for hours every day. No, MDD is not a debilitating problem. I look at descriptions of just about every other mental health issue going and think "I would not swap"! That doesn't mean I want this either. I just hope I can remember that when the desire comes back full force. I only have to make it to Saturday, when I can start back on the NAC crutch. How long does a 25 year mental habit take to break? Will I ever be able to "safely" daydream, or is this like alcohol? All or nothing.