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- May 2018
   Mon May 21, 2018 2:47 am

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Permanent Linkby Tornman on Mon May 21, 2018 2:47 am

I really have been struggling lately. I had my depression meds increased and still can't get a grip. I have alienated my self all my life and wonder why i have no friends. I really want to know what it would have been to come into puberty and find out what it would be like to have had the chance to become sexually mature like everyone else. I want my innocence back. I can't go on just thinking I am going to die without the first feeling of love for a girl. What love feels like as apposed to just feeling of sex. I am passively suicidal but don't think I could do it. Or don't want to do it but if I were to die, it would be fine with me. I live in a fake world and no one I know has any idea what I am going through. Did I get married because I was in love? My wife and I never had the intimate talks that growing couples do or should. The people I get close to I smother with issues I can't share with them. My motives are in the wrong place. I just want to be like the average person going through life and I can't and never will. No one will ever know what I deal with. A nice young couple moved in next door and I can tell they are avoiding me. Or thats what I think I make them do. It started out fine and then I guess my dysfunctional personality strikes again. After drinking and having fun by the fire he told me he masturbated because his wife was pregnant at the time. That must have been my trigger. Knowing he does what I grew up doing at a very young age. After drinking and partying I caught myself looking at his package more and more. Well I think I was caught and now am paying the price, again. Why did he have to openly admit it? Why do I have to think like that? When does it end? I am taking anxiety meds also cyclobenzeprine to help me sleep. I just want out of this. Why did this have to happen to me? I have to say I have never been honest with anyone in my life because I have this inside me guiding me in all the wrong directions. Now that I am middle aged and still think like a teenager, what am I supposed to do? I feel like my maturity was stopped before it happened. I don't know how this is going to turn out but it's either going to be very bad or very good.

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Permanent Linkby Tornman on Sat Nov 04, 2017 1:46 am

I am a male and at an age so young I cant remember, my brother introduced me to masturbation. That went on secretly. When 5th or 6th grade came along and one of my male friends asked if I wanted to masturbate with him. I had to know it was wrong but did it anyway. Then another friend. When those friends moved away I was left to flounder from there. I knew I liked girls and remember having a few girl friends in junior high. I did seem to have to attraction to males always "haunting" me. I stumbled through high school without a girl friend. I think more because i was not with the in crowd more than because I didn't want one. Masturbating probably held those desires back. My brother did continue to expose me to sex going as far as oral sex. He ended up hanging himself after moving away. I think he continued doing things he shouldn't and either was about to be caught or could not live with himself anymore. These events seemed to be in my life through the most important development period of my life. Anyway I ended up getting married and had 2 daughters now grown. At 51 I still have the male desire and really wish I knew why. Was it because of what i was exposed to or am I bi or gay? I deal with depression and keep wondering how it would have been to have my innocents growing up. How would I have developed without sex literally being jammed down my throat. I have told my wife but recently discussed it is still haunting me. Struggling through life just doesn't seem fair.

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