i stopped using recriational drugs a couple of weeks ago and its not gone so bad.i have been jittery a lot of the time and some of the time i have to use lorazipam or another benzo to calm down and get through a day. i hope its a good thing im sure it is as i have to try to better myself. i have big times i want to be back on the psyc ward where i felt safe and i could be dopped down to get through the days but i guess i cant live a life like that. some days i just loose the plot and should be on the ward but i just have to struggle through and not harm anyone. i go for a walk everyday but i find myself talking to myself sometimes almost in tears telling myself im ok and things will be better. i cant stand the outside world a lot of the time its like my shyness and anxiety just overwhelm me and all i want to do is hide away. i have been suicidal again, life just gets ontop of me and i trip back into wanting to just leave this world for good and have no more troubles. suicide is a hard thing to get out yor mind once youve been in the position of trying it,i know now how to get it right and not thave the trouble of being sectioned again for attempting it. it may sound wrong buti really felt safe and secure and where i wanted to be wheni was on the psyc ward,it felt like i could slowly get the help i needed but the last time was 29 days and i had to leave when they removed the section,i wanted to stay and be sorted. since then ive never felt right i have wierd thoughts and im slipping back to my old ways with the saunas and the hiv.ive come off the antiandrogen i wason and slowly the sex drive has come back although a bit squashed by thr antipsychotic im on but im back attending the saunas and unprottected ruff sex again.i knew i would and if they dont like it then they can always tagg me again but thats not going to happen as im out of the loop with the mental health people having been handed back to my gp. even thatis becoming a downer as he keeps lenghtening the time inbetween visits the last one being 10 weeks.i think i need to see him more often to keep a monitor on my moods and the way im going but i guess they dont want you using him as a prop. all in all things are creeping back to how i used to be. i am tempted to stop the mood meds and see if i can survive without them or maybe just return fully to hoiw i was then will have gone full circle.one day ill get locked up for the sex thing im sure as like last time things just got so dangerous and i didnt care and im feeling like that again. let them lock me up if they want i dont care at least i may get some help then.

((hugs))

Kudos on stopping the recreational drugs!

As for the rest... hugs, sweetie. Take care of yourself as much as you can.