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Ive got the direction; over whelming work

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 28, 2019 8:48 pm

Ive got the direction and the basics; the fundamentals; but as I wake up; Im starting into this personal information jungle to clear things out; What is a “ personal information jungle? its a place like a jungle of bushes and trees and jungle foliage; thick and dense with streams and basic style south America jungle density; but its ideas and its in my head. And why am I in this jungle. This jungle is the grey matter in my mind. It is the hazy cloudy gripping clay that grabs me and holds me back from my imaginations goals. I get side tracked; I dont know why Im getting side tracked.

it's like fighting a war in this information jungle. Ive got an agenda; I know where Im starting from and I know what the destination is; now; I have to neutralize the opposition; the resistance. The resistance is in the jungle and its the jungle itself; I get rapped up in its green leafing arms and off centered. I loose my balance and my sight and my way; Ive lost my way and ever twirling into the jungle off my original path; a mental hijacking.
Heres an example; Im learning about how to set goals for the first time. I mean; " Set Goals"; real goals; in the face of opposition. Where is the opposition coming from? Live PTSD going through my brain and my mind all day long; like a vast computer of videos; as soon as a trigger goes off; the video is played; its like living in 2 different realities; one outside; one inside; and they both look similar but they are apposed to each othere; both have buildings and people and sky and cars and money and ........ The list goes on; parallel worlds... 2 different plays going off at the same time; but they pull me into different directions; very stress laden; horrible fear and a sense of unmanageability to deal with both places at the same time; the inner world and the outer world.
Back to the beginning;
So; First; Im a first grader; let's start they're or before that; kindergarten; as I remember; I was OK at that time; but not. Their were already problems of neglect. I could tell but did not have a name for it; I was already behind other kids; I could tell. I was dissociative; My life was not addressed; I was being thrown away; TV shows made more sense to me then reality. I saw a future in believing I was like the characters of the TV show; it was a place to escape into.

Because I was in Play School all day for the first years; ages 4-5; I received allot of attention; the kind of attention a kid needs to stay mentally strait up and loved and moving forward.
So; We will start in play School or what happens after play school as Im developing. Looking at this time period; Im developing but Im behind in play school. Later; in first grade; Im not developing but Im wanting to and dreaming about it; but in reality; nothing. I have to go find other kids to play or develop; no one is finding me. I have to reach out to other kids. What I don't know; I think those kids are nice; but they don't think Im nice; they are wondering why Im hanging around so much and not at my own home. I never question this at the time; when very very young; I reached out to the kids around me and ended up at their houses; some didn't mind; some did; some took advantage of it because it gave the mothers a chance to socialize their sons; they liked me around for this reason; but they did not like me or the family I came from; and the first chance they get to get rid of me; they will take it; for example. After their child is socialized for a few years; Im asked to leave; this is done by treating me like Im a nobody and less then; inferior; they want me out or want me to leave their house and never return. They do not value me at any level; nothing; they only value the God like status they see themselves becoming; it's sickening; has to do with the rich or wealthy. Im not wanted at these places; these peoples houses unless I play a slave like roll where Im inferior and they're superior. When very young; who cares. But as I got older I could feel it more n more. And I noticed that the only reason I was around these people; I had no family; I was a ghost; I had a place to live and a TV set; but nothing else. No humans that cared about me or my identity or development; nothing. And it will get much worse...
Let's talk about cars.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. Without basic food, shelter, water, and safety, love; I could not use my brain…

Heres the problem; in the present; one of my goals is a car; in order for this to happen; I have to be present when I think about a car; I can't hit this goal with doubts and expect it to survive. Why would I hit it with doubts? because Im working on childhood developmental trauma disorder. In the beginning; dealing with goals; it was more about winning against the past then what I manifest. Now its different. Improved mental health was the goal of manifestation; Now; is more practical; I want to manifest a car to get a car; I've graduated from beginner psych goal setting school; I want what Im dreaming about.
The goal is to set a gaol; make a decision on the goal; tell the universe to bring me the plans to get the goal; and look for and create the pathways in my head that lead to the goal; I dont have to worry about how Im going to get it; just feel it from all my heart as if Ive already got it. And Thank the universe for it before it gets here. Then; search and watch; feel good inside; and then watch for pathways to open up and imagine taking action down one of these pathways and take some action in the real world relative to what I want. Maybe go try out some of these cars; let the universe know Im serious and then see the money show up. O my; Im getting the procedure more n more.
What happens when I think about cars; well; I get hit with the past; the time period I was suppose to think about cars; say; 14 or 16 was marred with abuse and stress and many other problems that grounded my development. In that time period; I was being destroyed so; their would be no interest in cars or anything else; in school; nothing; just wanting to be loved; thats all I cared about; However, schooling was destroyed; I could not function in the school system; and I didn't care. And that is a major dissociation from trauma... No way out at the time. And all of this; this time period shows up when presently think about cars; So; the idea is to work through the past and work on the present and future by setting goals I can't yet reach. To reach my car goal; the past must be settled. I must have a mind usable in the present. if my mind Is hijacked by the past its no use to me. Thus; Im working on techniques to become present. As I work on these techniques I continue to work on my goals or desires to manifest. Im slowly letting go of the past and Im slowly grabbing the processes for my future.
Being pulled on both sides of the stick.
The past pulls me back, my goals set me into the future. The goal; work to let go of the past and put new focus on the future of what I want. And right now; its working; Im slowly letting go of the past and putting the focus on the future of what I want.
Im strengthening. Im getting stronger in the present; this process of setting goals and working toward my desires to manifest is bringing my mind to the present and strengthening it. I need much more strength and more presentness. Im working on it.
I love setting goals because it measures my mental health; how well am I working at obtaining my goals?
The problem has been; my mind is hazy and wont stay in reality; when I think about a car; I go into 6- to15 year old victim mode and I see being thrown away from my home in 5th grade; " I can't have one of those cars", I tell myself. Im not good enough; Im to lazy or unmotivated, what's the point. Ill never have anything I want in this world;. This brain washing comes up; so I have to deal with the brainwashing first; it clouds my belief that I can get a car. This takes a great deal or amount of time but it must be done in the beginning of my manifestation period in order to get to the other side; thus, concentrating on getting the car.


Im letting go of this brain washing and coming back to reality. And thats where the work is; telling myself good things and imagining my goals; thats where the work is; its in my head to clear out the negative; go back all the way to play school if I have to; in order to start over from an un corrupted position...
Its working; As I work on affirmations and new stories about my life and visualize my new life; after several million run throughs; Im starting to change.
THe time period of Yo Yo’s. thats when I stopped growing; the time period of hobbies like Yo Yo’s; middle childhood; right after young childhood; thats where I was destroyed and when; and its lights out; now; I have to turn the lights back on. Ill start writing about middle childhood.
Im looking at Duncan Yo Yo’s; but Im getting hit with fear and stress; Im seeing bullies. So; I have to start earlier then Duncan yo yo’s; Ill have to work on something earlier that leads up to yo yo’s and then work through it and create new stories of my life as a child at that time period; and Im really getting hit with fear of intimidation and control. I have allot to work through surrounding Duncan yo yo’s and before this. Im also getting hit at age 14; when I moved to the coast with a new school and new step father and his older kids; a nightmare I will not survive. .
Yo Yo’ing
Middle child hood. brings up horrible fear and pain and treachery; why? Im seeing yo-ing at first; and then the abuse of being thrown away but still living in my house; my father is gone; Im alone with the psychopath; she has already brought in a new drunk into the house. Im in shock and terror that this filth is in my house and a drunk?
Im not cared about and Im going into a strange state of trauma mind fog from this; PTSD; it's a protective mode because I cannot deal with the outside world of whats crashing down around me. I dislocate and my mind creates what it thought it was suppose to be like in the outside world at that time period ; but in reality the opposite is going on and Im split in 2; one outer person; one inner person and they are not connected. And so it begins; and its the same period I wanted to use yo yo’s and explore more of my home town; maybe get. job at the pet store or hobby store and many more things I wanted to do; and I will write bout what I wanted to do and become. because this time period robbed me of what I was planning on doing with my life at the time; a time that would have build independence. IT was stolen from me.
My father coming over to our house; He is almost legally divorced; Im home; I open the doors; he goes in and takes his tools from the basement; steals them; doesn't have a problem teaching me how to steal and tells me to be quite on the way out from the front yard so no one can see him; Im being used and exploited. and only a few years before this same person was showing me how to drive a lawn mower in the back yard as if he was a real decent father; I am heartsick and heartbroken and in fear; who is this person; he is not my father; this is a completely different person and Im in a completely different life then I was 2 years before; This is a turning point of shame and self hatred because Im not good enough to be noticed or taken care of by anyone; Ive already been dumped and my future dumped and now Im being used and taught how to steal…. with no regard to my future or character or talents; nothing. Sickening. And this is a major thing to tap on or work on…. So I can come back independent as me again during this time.
The truth is; no one cares about me or sees me or cares if they ever see me again.
At 12 years old; Im separated from self concerning a car. Im seeing trees; things I could draw but Im in my old neighborhood; the one I was just yanked out of with no preparation; nothing. So; my 12 year old mind is back in my old original neighborhood as if I had not left…
New events;
Im not going to blow up anything; Im not going to blow up myself or drink anymore; So; Have to face my life dry. Why didn't I become a composer; why! I like; I love writing music; but theirs this element of maybe being bullied like I was in the 7th grade and 6th grade and thrown away from the family I was living with…. They were not my family. meaning; I dont claim them. .. its much worse then this…. Still. Why did I not just write music and do something with it; this still plaques me; this people pleasing that maybe if Im a good boy Ill be accepted by my Mom and Dad and family and relatives and Ill be back on C street like I was as a kid. and everything will be grand again; the possibilities being endless. And more then this; something more; its blocked under being thrown away; when I can get over being thrown way and feel like myself again; Ill bring it up.

2. Something happened when I ventured down C street today. As I was leaving the street of my childhood as I usually do; I looked to the right and to the left and suddenly; I looked back to the right again; and I looked down the adjacent street; And that larger area that Leeds to the grade school; with its turn offs; or dividing streets with the center grassy area hooking both areas together; I looked at this and it become part of me gain; part of my childhood again.
Before this; it was just another part of the city I did not want to look at . It was dead to me. the only thing that has come alive; the epicenter is my house; my childhood house; that is the center and everything emanates from that house; and it moves out onto C street for several blocks around it. And it is that area; the streets around this house; they have the wielding way. The magic; the strong strong magical ness; the pull that pulls me into the light ; for it is a giant vortex for me. And it is a magical vortex. And it is this area I venture to; to remember. But it is only this area; However, today as I looked down the side street that my house lived on; and I could see the old white church at the end of the street; I rode up to it and then looked both ways to turn and suddenly as I looked to the left; the whole distant street was added to C street as part of my childhood.
Heres the point; As I get better and ask more from the universe; now the epicenter of my dreams is expanding; other streets in my home town are starting to be my home town again. I think the universe has this idea; that new streets will be added and I will feel safe all over my home town including the down town and make this whole area feel safe and loved; and then; within this town I will take more chances as I feel at home in my town. And it will be my town again; and I can see it; The universe is turning this into my childhood home town again as if Im 8 years old; I can feel it…..

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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