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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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Search Blogs

The Gap

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm

I wrote this last night and a solution has appeared...
The universe is giving a solution. And the solution is to hang around my old neighborhood and ride my bike around my old house; my neighborhood house; over n over n over until I get used to the neighborhood as if I live their. Im to ride round the neighborhood; not be stupid about it; I don't live their; but I am to ride through their allot; get used to the place; see it over n over n over; do it until I can come and go like crazy; because the only thing that is missing is me in my old house; the rest of it is open. I can walk the neighborhood or ride a bike through it as many times as I like.
Next; understand; their are no relatives left in my life or needed; on any side; and no brothers; no mother and no father, and no best friend down the street; can this be done; its already done. its been done for a long time. My mother is the only one left; in the sense of importance; all others have been deflated; she is of importance as her role as a psychopath. And the universe is teaching me how to be safe knowing Im here; and the psychopath is somewhere else; its a psychological thing. The universe is teaching the small child in me; Im am " here"; the psychopath is somewhere else. Im am safe " here"; The psychopath in my heart in mind is somewhere else. And the universe is teaching me how to work this out.
Im also seeing my mother the way I saw her as very young; innocent like; like a normal mother; and Im seeing that version; so; I have to see her as well; the normal version and grieve her but keep her around in my imagination until I grow out of her and naturally let her go; knowing I don't need her anymore.
As for bullies of that time period; Ill have to work that out with the universe and in writing my new stories.
Other areas of concern or interest; what about the things I did in this neighborhood as a kid? or going swimming or rock hunting and other things; how will the universe duplicate this. We will see. what about skiing?
What about the intricate relationships with the relatives; all the times I would visit them and spend time at they ranch; No GO; they are finished; it is history that was never suppose to be; I simply lucked out at those moments and got to spend summers and other time periods visiting them as if they were strangers; their hospitality and the freedom to roam around the ranches; the building and the place is whats important; not the people; Only the remembrance of my Indian cousin; that is important; nothing else about the places. Nothing. And I got to experience that; and those are authentic experiences and thats good; what is not good; the times I came with my dad who was never wanted their in the first place. We were never family with those people; but I never knew this at the time; we were never wanted their. At other times; they allowed myself as a child; to stay for a week on their ranch because I was a child; I was 8 year old. My grandfather on that side of the family allowed it; but in reality; he didn't do much else for us ever. so forget him for good; all of them... in many ways they were murder's; they murdered indirectly my cousin Tina; and directly as for as Im concerned.
So; the relatives on the ranch are out of the picture; I had my ranch experience; they were not who they claimed to be; or I thought they were to be; they had no business in my life; but the ranch was an added bonus to visit. and it is done; so they are not needed; not to much grieving for them; it has already been done. They do not need to have been in my life; not necessary.
What about young school developments; I will have to take this to the universe; meeting friends and meeting girls and going to peoples houses; parties; birthday parties. And I have to grieve these things to get them back; all the experiences I mist. All the schooling events I missed.

When young; I was to live in this neighborhood; thrive in this neighborhood, go to school; and go to Washington State University. That was the plan. From my house; through school; doing excellent and then on to WSU with my best friend; that was the idea the universe had for me; it was a simple perfect plan; but it got disrupted by many things. It got destroyed by the psychopaths. However, Im back; the neighborhood is back; My relationship with God is back; the universe is trying to restore everything.
What about the vacation spots I had as a kid; are they back? meaning; Im OKE mentally with visiting them? yes? three areas; I just visited on the other day with a group; excellent time; Ive got 2 more; and that is truly a miracle. For I blanked them out completely... I still have work to do on them...
What about other friends and other situations in this town; How do I duplicate it? The universe will have to come up with ideas. The universe will have to come up with the plans... and so I work with the universe.
What about schooling; It was all destroyed from an early age? Well; I have a Degree from another University in another state earned in those college years; those college days; got it anyway; brutal undertaking with full dissociative disorder and CPTSD breathing down my throat and AVPD. But that experience was ruined and my grades were ruined from CPTSD; I should have been in a nut house. I have a degree in Humanities and a minor in marketing. Its strange; Its a representable degree; it represents the arts and represents business but its not a full degree in a specific art and not a full degree in a specific business area; much like my nervous system; never allowing anything in or to be complete because its protecting its self; its protection; not connection; I never connected to anything...
What about relationships with women; well; Ill have to rewrite my past up and into the point of meeting women when young and then write stories of dating women over n over n over as I get a bit older. Meaning when writing my stories from zero to 18...
Losing my young life stopped my interest in dating anyone because I was not from anywhere and was not myself. Loosing my house when young; I was separated from myself; losing my neighborhood when young; I was separated from my alignment. And all the other losses; separated me from myself. Ive got to work with the universe to bring me back into alignment.
So; what about my social abilities; They are being forced back; but what about the actual life I would have led if I had stayed in this neighborhood; what would the direction socially look like; I would I feel with the towns people; what would I have been doing and how would I have been acting and what would I have done with other kids up and through high school.

So; Gap; the original subject;

A gap resides between me and the outside world. They need refinement so I know exactly where Im going; this will take time to face what Im heading for. They need to be refined. Im looking for safety in life; to be well established; comfortable. And the idea of moving forward with my life makes me ill; its an ill feeling and I have flashbacks and critical voice very strongly.
And the idea of creating art constantly; and Im waiting for the attack by flashbacks and critical voice; and its showing up; all the past stuff from my neighborhood as a boy. its all showing up now; my childhood... And the split between being a child and being an adult. I can see childhood but adult world is de personalization as if looking through a coke bottle at the world.
In this gap I have to know exactly where Im going and why? I know I want across the gap; and I want it bridged. Ive been told that what I want is confidence. OKE.
The gap has allot to do with what I was starting with when young; the experiences I had when I had a father around that took me places and I thought we had a family; In reality; they were brutal monsters; However, for a while; I thought I had a family and lived in a nice house in a nice hometown on a terrific block and neighborhood. The best in the whole world. and I have my Tv shows and My football and friends to play football. And houses I could go visit with my friends in them.
The school system was something I would have liked to have done well in; but I didn't. So; that has its own blogs to be written about. And that will hurt.
The gap; to fill in the gap and get to the other side; I know what it is. It starts before I'm destroyed or given away. It starts from age 8 years old and then I take that chunk of time and move on with it; move forward.
I remember what I wanted to do when young; thus; make a list of all the things I wanted to conquer. a full list and set out to examine these things in the real world. And immediately Im hit with flash backs; CPTSD. Im hit with critical voice.... So; this is an area to move forward in...
The gap; To the other side.
The outside world would be a different place for me if I was wealthy; I would go where I want to go and be in the environments and people I choose to be around.
I have to learn how to find my people; I have an idea of who they are or who they are like.
A gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be.
A gap resides between being inside and being outside.
A gap resides between where Im at now and where I want to be
A gap resides between where Im at and how I get to where I want to be.
A gap resides between being behind a computer screen and meeting the right people and the right people to date..
A gap resides between the environment where Im at and the environment of where I want to be
A gap resides between what Im doing with my life right now and what I want to do with my life
A gap resides between the people I associate with now and those I want to associate with or be associated with later.
A gap resides between me and the world outside
A gap resides between what Im settling for and what I deserve to be with
A gap resides between unreality and reality and or changing reality or the ability to change my reality
Gap resides between the child in me watching cartoons in front of a TV set feeling safe in his world to being transferred out into the outside world...
A gap resides between the past and the present.
A gap resides between the amount of money I have and the amount of money I want...
The gap; I have to define what Im doing in the gap; reading comic books; or science fiction books; looking through telescopes; looking to get into comic books; into them and relax and feel safe; be in my own space day dreaming.. safe and sound; thats what Im looking for.
How do I move forward with my talents; I can see the flashbacks of all sort; like the fourth of July fireworks. and critical voice. Im getting hit as if someone else owns my talents or ability to have success...
Im seeing when I was skiing when I was young; I remember the song Hello Hello" from the Beatles playing over the speakers at the busy ski lodge as we were putting on are ski boots; it was a grand time. And I would go forward from their. And now; Im seeing myself in second grade; not a good experience; I see the teacher put me up against the wall. ..
Next; I see being at home and a desk in the living room; thats what I envisioned to use it to study. And I see myself in first grade wanting to make friends with this kid in the class; That was a mistake; I could have done it without him; but would never know that. I feel insecure; that means; all I have are my dreams and no stability from home. and it starts in the first grade...
One area of improvement is away from the 12 step meetings; many of them; they have immature people running them; its silly; has been from the beginning.... It can good; al depends.
Im not sure Im defining this gap correctly; Im defining whats in the middle of it; what I will be doing but Im not defining its end; thats a bit harder; what kind of self image do I want to be? And when I ask this question; I get hit with flash backs of the past; massive amounts and feelings with it.
So; when I think about a solution to something; my mind goes back to childhood. and thats good; but thats a problem....
Financial income gap; when I look at this; massive flashbacks... I see my earliest life at the lake on vacation and Im see my mother is looming over me very tall; like she's 6 feet tall and she has all the colored pens and stuff and paper....The power; I see faces of other women I don't like that are not safe. I see allot of unsafe people and organizations or schools. many things in the way; But mainly my mother.
Other problems exist; but the most important one is to safely get the child in me that watches cartoons; get him to the other side of the gap away from these general people in society; that is my work; thats what I have to work at; Ive got my work cut out for me; trust my higher power

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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