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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1109)
- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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This is not going to be easy.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am

Im wanting my past to hurry up and show up; it shows up in tv show; but not out in the real world yet. Well; actually this is changing; the way I intact with others is changing; Im not around the right people for my alignment. But I don't know; Im not discing anyone.
The problem is critical voice and the horrible flashbacks; I've got to hang on to my seat and keep working at it. The goal is to live the kind of decent life I deserve. I get hit with BPD in a bad way; deregulation of emotions. I have allot of work to do concerning my personality. Right now; its about movies and TV shows. And relationships; Im not really around the right kind of relationships at the moment.
I didn't realize but my critical voice also tells me to get lousy jobs; things that are beneath my natural defenses to protect me; its like my mother trying to destroy me and put me into unsafe work situations; unsafe situations means being in situations like being a slave where Im just a servant; nothing more. and thats all I have to look forward to in life; those are the words shoved down my throat; So; I have allot of brainwashing to work through; it starts attacking me while Im writing this; and more flashbacks; this time from my childhood, friends family; and it goes on and on and on and on and on; the key is keep working through it; and more voices about not being able to loose weight. and it goes on and on; and now flashbacks of the front of my false friends families house; and it goes on n on on n on; with more flashbacks.
The goal will be when I apply this to the real world; thats whats missing or the missing link; but if I keep at it; with connection; just keep at it; not listening to the flashbacks; getting through it; hanging on; thats what Im waiting for; the right thoughts on how to proceed forward in a positive sense. Ill get their.
I feel asleep; its 2 in the morning. And its not going to be easy; I was dreaming about something; I was dreaming about a women giving it to me; I woke up and put on porn.
I watched porn; Im not all that into porn; Not really; its what shut ins have to do; some of it is kinky and nice... I would rather have something real in my bed.
I noticed and felt a sadness and a problem; even tho I want to get close to women; I have to take a chance with them; its 2 much work. its to hard. They've got to much leverage; Im 2 sensitive.
I would like to just ask for what I want....
I noticed something as I got up; I remembered the feeling of who I was; the sensitivity; Im remembering. The 12 step meetings are helping with that; its meetings of crazy people; savages at times; messed up on drugs and everything else; They are like me; trying to find their way. However, its surreal. The problem is; I don't have any money; thats the problem.
Ive got a special problem; my shyness. Im a shut in; Ive been that way all my life. theirs no development. I may have to talk about this in another blog; its another set of problems.
ITs hard with me and women. Im 2 sensitive and don't want to play games.
I seem to be shut in on all things; because whats in reality is 2 harsh for me; I think it has to do with the abuse I occurred; the trauma all my life; I missed out on all social things; Ive experienced my life through a computer or TV screen and nothing else.
I tried to have friends when young; someone stole that from me; and the people I tried to be friends with were never my friends.
I tried to have a girlfriend when young; but I talked myself out of it; I didn't believe her; I knew if tested her she would fail; and she did. I didn't expect her to fail so easily. It made me wonder what type of person I was dealing with. I could not get it; she liked me but failed so easily. She later told someone I meant nothing to her. But why was she interested in me then; I guess she was desperate; when she realized she was pretty and other guys were looking at her; I was dumped. She was no longer interested in someone that just liked her. I wasn't enough; I tried. I guess she was looking for the real thing; an Alpha male; I wasn't an Alpha male; I was just a guy that liked her; nothing more.
My shyness is a real condition of my shut in condition all my life; I could not handle the outside world.
Heres the point; When it comes to all things social; I cant handle anything; nothing. If I had support and money; I might be able to handle it.
Ill work with the universe on this....
Im not sure...
I can go to 12 step meetings and not know anyone; just sit their and stay away from people.
I have a big big problem with social because I have no experience; but I think I have a problem getting experience outside. Its 2 much for me. I think Ive had a problem with this all my life... I don't I ever got experience ever; not in the right places; maybe nursery school and kindergarten; but once first grade started; it was over; it was the wrong first grade; I needed something much much more alive and interesting; a completely different environment.
I would like to have success outside; but all outside things; its 2 much. it causes depersonalization.
At least Im starting to see it and feel it.
I don't do anything outside. I ride a mountain bike; go to the coffee shop; go to the store, go to a meeting; not much else; I don't know anyone.
I don't know anyone; thats a start of part of the problem. I dont really know them; Ive had a few women hit on me; but when I leave and come back; their pregnant by someone else; so; I know what they really wanted. Ive seen how women deal with lack of connection in the world; they have a baby... but then they find themselves still lonely and with a baby....
If I knew the right kinds of people.
I had one girl that liked me; she had a kid; she was pathological; I guess she thought I was going to take care of her like she was a little girl and I was her father; and she didn't seem to care about the kid; he was a drag along; Im like; are you kidding! She was going to be my BABY MAMA......... Ive had several young women do this; its crazy bizarre. Im not going to the father; their crazy.... I cant even go outside.
So; Ive hit upon a giant known problem; a social problem; Ill call it agoraphobia; Ive been hospitalized for it; but now; I didn't realize how bad it was; and Im not sure; Ill look up agoraphobia; but I can go outside but not deal with people or relationships; Im 2 sensitive to get involved with anyone; I wonder what that is called; Ill look up the phobia; being in my head all my life; dissociative disorder, introversion; social phobia; AVPD; but I have all these things.
But their is another name for what I have; its staying in my head my whole life and missing the ability to gain experience outside... And being stuck inside because the world is and I do not match...
A lack of experience exists between me and the outside world; that is the problem; and I do not know where people like me fit into; I think; if we are brought up in a place for really bright assertive kids; I could have made it; but I never got that chance; is it still possible for me; maybe.
My whole life; no experience; its like Ive been in this glass bubble.
Ive had plenty of drug addict chicks like me; but I wised up to what they were. They were genuine; they did like me; but their life styles are so destructive; deadly; no one in their right mind would get involved; They would go to meetings; fall in love with guys and with me; but if they didn't get what they wanted; they'd go back out and use drugs and be in the drug world again; like it mattered not; It does matter; just being involved in jails matters; but not to them. so; they are not for me.
Most of my life is about being a shut in; as I get better I wonder what will be done about it.
Most of my life has been about being behind a computer screen and television screen and imagining from what Ive watched. but no people are interested in me; never have been. Im an introvert; a real one;
You could give disability to a real introvert; they would qualify. They cant go outside; They cant function out their.
So; Im starting to look at this; How can I gain experiences in the outside world; with what vehicle.

Ill have to work with God on this; I see stupid people judge me out their; they have no idea.
As I wake up from dissociative disorder; Im learning more n more about myself; my limitations and the real problems.

I couldn't do things outside if I wanted to; or with people if I wanted to.
At least Im understanding the I don't have to go to 12 step meetings the rest of my life; Im starting to understand that at this point; their not doing me much good anymore; theirs a glass wall between me and the people at those meetings; its a glass wall between me and everything.
So; Im understanding that the world I want to live in is in my imagination; not out in the world; How can I get their; into the outside world. I don't know.
Ill have to work with God on it; I don't have any money; I suppose with money or being at a nigher economic level; things might be easier; Ill have to keep working with the universe.

The universe is bringing about massive changes within me; and I appreciate it; but I don't know why! I mean; I don't know what good it will do; I feel better and that is good; but I don't see how Ill ever be outside in my own life.
Ill have to write blogs about my condition and women and work and other things; this shut in life of agoraphobia.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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