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Its hard when you were never loved.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jun 20, 2019 5:29 pm

Its hard when you were never loved; just erased and abused and then thrown away; no family, no development; accept what I could find in the neighborhoods I lived in; and I was so young; from 4 to 10 years old; and dreaming everything was OK and I lived in my own neighborhood and small town; only to find out I was basically kidnapped into existence. And forced to play out some sick game for the amusement of these psychopaths; be played by 2 psychopaths and then dumped. No one cared; certainly not the schools or the system or the neighborhood people; nor the fake relatives I was brainwashed into believing were actually relatives; these psychopaths had no relatives; certainly no one on their side; these relatives were complete strangers; these psychopaths lied to me; they used me; took me with them to look legitimate to others; including stranger like relatives that had dumped them from their family 30 years before; In fact; these psychopaths were not wanted anywhere near these peoples properties; I never knew this because I was 2 young; when I was taken out to their properties; I did not know I was not wanted or that these people wished they had never met me; and that they were in fear of having me and the person who brought me around; they courted this person; the psychopath so he would eventually leave them alone. They never wanted me or to ever meet me; It was not their invitation to ever see me again; I was forced to go with the psychopath; they made it sound like I had relatives; the truth is; they did not want this guy coming back into the middle of the night and burning the barns down; so they put up with his few hours of fake ramblings. I was the true victim because I was brought along; No one ever told me these were my relatives; I had to ask who they were and where we were going; What does this mean; it means; no one cared about me; any part of me; I was being used as a mindless drone for a objective purpose; to an end means. nothing more; what happened to me or how I felt about it meant nothing; In the end; the problem is; for a long while; I was led on to think these were my relatives; the psychopaths knew what they were doing to me; leading me on like this; it was a game for them to go along with a million other games of deception and deceit against little children. Let the reader understand; I was not the soul object of their attention; intact I was of little no valued attention; I was just thrown along for the ride. But fooled into thinking everything was normal.

no one told me these people did not want me on. They did not consider me a relative. I was nothing to these people; they did not ever want to see me again or ever see me in the first place. Im trying to create a certain feeling here; all was fake; not just the relatives; but the foundation of my life from the first day I was born; their was no family; it was all fake situation.
You go to school like everyone else, you watch tv when your young like everyone else; The difference is; theirs no real family behind it; theirs actually nothing; because the people running this situation; one is a sociopath potential serial rapist and thief; the other an authentic sadistic psychopath ; their was never any home. what ever I lived in, I lived by chance; nothing more; no stability; nothing; no matter where I ended up; no one was ever looking after me; never; what ever I got or how I was taken care of; occurred by chance or force; what do I mean by force; someone was forcing the hand of the other to not attack or destroy me; that was not done out of love; thats why I wasn’t destroyed till later; not that I had not been attacked; but I was not completely destroyed or thrown away; this will come later; all participants in this knew what they were doing from the day I was born and before; for it was planned.
Let the reader understand; psychopaths keep everything under ropes. They make everything look legit until they split. They keep things under ropes. If you look at serial killers; they make sure; many of them; to have nice family pictures, to have respectable jobs or careers in things like the Air force; or as a machinist or welder or statesman college guy. In reality; they are monsters; alligators under the water at the shore waiting for a vibration of their victim that they might strike with vengeance and pure satanic drive.
The point is; the whole of my identity; all of my memories of everything are in a sense a lie; it all is a lie; it was a figment of my young imagination; all of it; from the day I was born I was never safe; not one day ever. and this is a hard thing to deal with; all of those experiences that I thought would lead to better experiences; but in fact; the experiences were faked; so they would lead to nothing. I had the rug pulled out on me because that was their plan in the first place. I had no idea what was really going on. nothing.
These were 2 psychopaths that used everything they met; everyone they met; and terrorized everything and every place they went. They destroyed or mangled in one form or another everything they met. Its as simple as that; I was thrown away; at many times; I had to follow them; I had not choice; to follow them again and again or live with them again and again; or at least one of them; many times they allowed me to live with them because they were living with a new host and they did not want blow this gig; they did not want the host questioning about their past lives; “ Why is your children not living with you” “ whats wrong with your children”; things like that; they wanted a pat answer for these things. Many times the psychopaths would blame it on the children claiming the children were bad bad kids that were evil and criminal like with no conscious; and the psychopathic parent was innocent; just an innocent angel like victim; the psychopath would change and twist the truth just enough to get the host on their side; brainwashing the host from the start. The psychopath would purposely pick weaklings as hosts; this make it so much easier for them to manipulate the situation. However, once in a while a smart kid would come along and see through them; also, a daughter of a host would see through the female psychopath. And when this happened; the daughter would be ruined through relational aggression; the daughters reputation would be ruined or she would be shame or demented to a point of not being taken seriously; she was being moved out of the way; one might say.
Anyway; back to the topic of not being loved.
ITs hard; I have to let go of all the dreams I had; because they were false; they were based on a TV show and a false fake family system that never existed; and they were based on people I knew in one of these neighborhoods I was parked in for awhile. It was all fake; the neighbors were fake; they couldn’t wait to see me leave and they seemed to know my life was doomed; they all ready knew back when I was 5; Im the only one that didn’t. I being one of the smart children that could see through them; I was immediately put on the enemies list as a bad kid trouble maker that was no good looking to destroy her and her host. Because I can see through the psychopath; I have no more purpose for the psychopath; and Im dumped; and its that simple; anyone against the psychopath is actually someone the psychopath cant use; and thats the problem; the psychopath has no use so they get rid of the person with no conscious concerning it.
When a normal person looks back at their life; they have memories; I cannot depend on any memories that lead to other memories that lead to other memories; they are all corrupted; I have to develop new memories for my present life; and this is not easy; because theirs not been anything to stand on; because from the day I was born; I was born to be thrown away.
So; love; I was never loved by anyone; so its all very hard; all of this. its hard to take chances with women for love; its hard to know what to do or how to act. or who to meet that will understand. Im not interested in a women love; that means nothing at first; She must understand who she’s talking to or their will be no relationship.
Im trying to go forward with my broken bizarre life; I guess it will happen if I want it to; at this point.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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