looking through my story, a very relevant part of which is published on this blog, i realize that for the past months i have been the most emotionally stable since i can remember. i haven't had any huge internal conflicts or addictive urges, or any periods of depression or hypomania lately. i'm writing here for the sole reason that i feel it's important to document these moments as well. since about 2 months ago i stopped taking my meds (they made me sleepy and i haven't felt any difference other than that when i stopped taking them). sure, a demon inside me still tells me quite often to go and have horrible sex with men i hate even before i've met them (haven't done that in a while, in fact i've twice interrupted sex i wasn't comfortable with - something completely new for me), and sometimes i begin to feel a sort of excitement similar do hypomania. i can't lie and say i don't love the hypomanic feeling, but to be honest i haven't felt like that for more than some seconds at a time, so i think it's fine. it doesn't mean my life is amazing, as i still feel a little depressed and unmotivated in general, especially when it comes to intellectual activity - something very closely related to my hypomanic experiences when i acquired a lot of knowledge very fast. my relationship with my father has only gotten worse - he won't even look me in the face for some months, allegedly because i really hurt his feelings doing things i had no idea would hurt his feelings and tbh things that he has done to me multiple times and expected me to be comprehensive (as i was). i still struggle with sex addiction, as i said, and sometimes i have a hard time trying not to endlessly scroll through a list of available men dreaming that they'll desire me (i do that sometimes still, although i haven't been getting actually involved with any of them). my life has been pretty good, i have been able to achieve my goals and i'm soon to achieve a goal i've been working hard on for the past few years. although i don't feel so great, that's what life has for me now and i'm learning to accept not feeling great and not needing to do whatever it takes to get a strong emotion. i'm learning to live in this lovely mediocrity.