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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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Dealing with agitation and being honest

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jan 08, 2018 1:12 am

Im looking at new beds! They suggest you get a bigger bed in case you might be sleeping with someone; thats my goal, nothing has been more messed up then my sex life; mainly because of dissociative disorder and massive fear of ever letting anyone get close to me again! I cannot control getting it.
Im starting over and dont feel good about myself around women! Im working on it! I have many problems because I dont know who to trust; what group or economic group!
Im moving to a new apartment; Im excited about it! However, what size bed; its a smaller room! a queen would eat it alive! I would rather have full size! However, will a women not take me seriously because I have a small bed! I would like a twin.
Im slowly trying to heal from my past from dissociative disorder! Life around people is almost impossible; its slowly getting better!
Meeting women has been impossible! Im now getting a new bed and it should be a larger one!
Meeting and bringing home the wrong women is not what I had in mind! It scares! me! I dont want to be attract emotionally or spiritually because someone does not understand my background!
Its hard enough going to the meetings Im at! Im looking for recovery; Im not looking for anything else!
How to meet new people; thats what Im working on! Or, interested in!
Im an intellectual person. Ive not been around intellectual people! Ive been around nothing but recovery people; most of these are people from the streets tying to get better! many are off the streets; still hard to deal with!
So, becoming and feeling safe around people is a big big deal!! its extremely hard; all of it! It scares me to talk about being around general people! I want nothing to do with them! However, I want my whole social situation to change! So; I have to get used to over coming some levels of fear! PTSD; its hard on it!
Im healing up from the wounds of my younger life; Im just starting to notice the difference! The effects of full dissociative disorder left me a complete blind human being to the outer world! Now Im waking up into it again; slowly, cautiously!
Im agitated in the outside world! its very hard; I dont feel safe or protected! I feel lost! but its much better!
Im moving to a new apartment! Im very happy! but its ran by housing of my state or local area! Their new and its nice! Im OK with it; its just strange not to be able to take care of myself economically! Im happy about being able to move! Ive been working on success based material; and this is something Ive been working on; to get to a better place!
Dealing with someone of the idiots in the recovery process is not easy!
I have no family! never had any! Any friends I got really close to when young; that was dependent on the neighborhood! once I left it or showed signs of being abused or being hurt; they turned flags on me immediately! Unfortunately I was to young to understand this; they were fair weather friends! I had no idea I had made friends with fair weathered friends! I had no idea they were fakes! However, in the end, most of my early life was all fake!

I've known a few back stabbers where Im at! but for the most part; I stay away from them! Some people I have to deal with because I see them on a weekly basis! Some of these people have dis-credited my personal story to my face; they are arrogant people. I will never associate with them on purpose for any reason ever again; I was shocked the first time; the judgments! However, it happens! sometimes, one is dealign with do=gooders; those trying to act all holy and Christian like saints to help the poor; In reality, they want to help only the goofy low educated poor, or those in society that are marginal; they can come off as in control and saintly! However, with me it does not work! However, they dont recognize me! They see me as the marginal poor and attempt to be little me!
I have goals! I have to keep working at them and keep healing uP! The biggest problem was the family system I came from in the past! However, I know what they are now; and I have more fear of being around those type of monsters and more gratitude that Im not! I dont miss anything. Nothing! I now know what I was dealing with! I do not miss any part of it!
I had a false fake friends then growing up; I have to get him and his family out of my nervous system by proving to myself they were no better then the monster family system I came from! They were the same! I want all of them out of my mind and sub conscious! They turned out to be nothing more then stuck up rich elitists! unfortunately for me; they were always that way! I did not know what that meant when young! I would find out the hard way!
I had a therapist who is much like the people I grew up with; I wont go back to her! It was incredible! Ive never had a bad therapist like this! I was marginalized and treated with contempt and the therapist would not help me; had no interest in me because she no character for it! IT was unbelievable! At least thats my take on it! These elitist types only want poor people to work with so they can feel rich and important! They dont want someone in their therapist office who can see through all this!
Ive had guys over to help me move! its weird; when you ask God to bring people into your life and they show up! they really show up! the doors were almost all taken off and they trampled in! Im being funny! But still! Things are opening up! As they open up, Im aware of how asleep a dissociate is! its unbelievable! You can live in the present world and have no awareness of anything in it; anything going on around you because your mind is to weak; it cant expand beyond its own borders; thats what its like for me! If you mention relationships! The committee in my head begins to go on red alert and my nervous system goes into war mode to protect itself! The problem is; it has no defenses!
Most people; 98 percent, do not know about me! what it means to be me with my diagnosis! In palaces they see me as lazy, or a full drug addict or alcoholic; Im neither! I had problems with drugs in high school; just enough to make things a serious potential in the future! I was using them because I had no one or anything else! I had nothing and began to wont to go to sleep and never wake up; after over doses! Its slowed down! Later, alcohol will take off! I got to the point that it started to become a serious problem; in the sense; I had nothing else! and it began to show characteristics of alcoholism! i saw them and stopped; but that is because I was in the nut house for PTSD and God had put a stop to this lost life and got me in there recovery process! Ive been in meetings for addictions and co dependency and hurts, habits and hangups and emotions and food and many other things; sex! Many things!
Dissociative disorder was the reason I picked up anything; addictions! I had no life! nothing! and no one! I was a throw away! Now, I have myself back; or Im getting myself back, so Im not thrown away to myself! I know full well, that I was living with psychopaths when young who create sociopaths and psychopaths; generalization of them! I ended up with dissociative disorder! I think Im one of the few for many decades of these people who did not get re broken and trained back into becoming a sociopath or psychopath! So; for my survival; I had to get out and never return! and of course; being human, as I woke up and got help; i began to recognize what I was around; I was not only not loved! I was not recognized! I was a human being! They would not have known what that is! I was someone to be taken advantage off; thats all I was for!
Today, my goal is to understand how the universe is going to bring me the right people; intelligent creative educated people; yet, not be judged for my situation! my condition!
So; social goals are very important and the next level of importance! The goal is to visualize what I want and let it come to me; attract it!


Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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