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Unable to function

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Unable to function

Postby darkwhisperer » Mon Mar 15, 2021 6:53 pm

Hello.

It's been a while that I'm unable to function like a human being should. I was supposed to be on my highest productive peak at this moment of my lifetime. I'm 28, still dependent on my parents, can't stick to a job or any solid activity for too long... I'm always in this process of social decline and can't see any way out of it. Sometimes it looks like it's all #######4, even for me, but suddenly this condition hits so strongly that any remnant energy to pretend that I'm able to go on seems to be sucked out from me and I can't stand even the idea to talk to anyone, to go out, to take a shower, to even do things that once used to be enjoyable (or something close to that).

Sometimes I feel the urge to ask normal people how do they function but I know that it would be the same as to be blind and ask people who see how they do it. Well, they simply just see. And I simply can't get out of this hole and build a life of my own.

How can someone cope with that? Meds just won't change this, and I'm tired. Tired of pretending (to family, to friends, to my loved one etc) that I still can go on, tired of the breakdowns, tired of my endless sea of nothingness, tired of being a failure.
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Re: Unable to function

Postby Snaga » Mon Mar 15, 2021 10:02 pm

Hello and welcome to the forums!

Are you getting any kind of therapy, besides meds? And if they don't seem to be working, have you tried having them adjusted?
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Re: Unable to function

Postby darkwhisperer » Tue Mar 16, 2021 2:42 am

Snaga wrote:Hello and welcome to the forums!

Are you getting any kind of therapy, besides meds? And if they don't seem to be working, have you tried having them adjusted?


Hey,

firstly, thanks for replying and welcoming me..

And yes, I've been in therapy but like everything in my life it seems to be going nowhere. I'm just getting worst and worst, on a downward spiral. It's all pointless, I just tell what I feel/don't feel inbetween a 40 minutes session that seems to last only 5 minutes... for what? No perspective, no answers... just routine. I'm on this therapist since 2018, I guess (kinda messed up with my notion of time since my first huge breakdown on 2016) and I'm pretty sure that by that time, specially for a professional, is more than enough to provide some kind of noticeable direction on my 'treatment'. I also have a psychiatrist working on it as well (the one who provides the meds and also talks to me). They only got to suspect about this diagnosis (BD type 2) recently and I'm adapting to a new combination of meds, that didn't change much. I was already on Lithium, an antidepressant, an antipsychotic and a benzo. The only difference now is Quetiapine for breakfast along with the antidepressant (Paroxetine) and Lithium. I talk the best way I can... I'm naturally have a deal of difficulty expressing myself, so maybe that delays things a lot more... anyway, it's not working. I tried other professionals before, to no worth, also... it always get to the same rock bottom. Tendency to isolation, to feelings about not being actually human/a person/being totally apart from and inadequate for society, persistent suicidal thoughts and attempts... etc etc etc. I'm just useless, and I could have been something great but I'm unable to keep up with anything constructive and meaningful for too long. It has always been like this since I can remember.

Again, thanks.
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Re: Unable to function

Postby darkwhisperer » Tue Mar 16, 2021 3:11 am

(...) I* naturally have (...) [corretction, arrrgh]
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Re: Unable to function

Postby Snaga » Tue Mar 16, 2021 3:57 pm

Don't worry about corrections after the window to edit is closed, we understood you just fine.

I've never been in therapy, but it's my understanding that sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs, to find the right professional- one that actually seems to 'get' you and listen to you in the way that you need. You may just have to keep searching, I'm afraid, until you find one that's a good fit.

darkwhisperer wrote:Tendency to isolation, to feelings about not being actually human/a person/being totally apart from and inadequate for society, persistent suicidal thoughts and attempts... etc etc etc. I'm just useless, and I could have been something great but I'm unable to keep up with anything constructive and meaningful for too long. It has always been like this since I can remember.


I'm OCD- suicide ideation is one of my superpowers. Fortunately with pwOCD it's rarely I think a serious proposition. So I get that part to some extent, but if you feel seriously suicidal at any time, please get the help you need!

From an intellectual argument, I can tell you it's a rare person that's truly useless- however I sympathise- while I can believe what I just said, firmly, nevertheless I frequently feel exactly the same. I could have written the second half of that quote, word for word. We have no choice but to keep on keeping on- the alternative isn't really one, at all. For me, doing that would be like the ultimate failure. I see no reason to pile failure on top of failure. I just try to accept what I am- and maybe when all is said and done, I'll find out I wasn't as bad as I thought. There's always hope, even if just a tiny bit.

I know it feels hopeless- that is my normal state of feeling, so I can't just preach at you to not feel that way- but for those of us that do feel that way, we have to keep on in the hope that things will improve. Please don't give up on finding someone that will understand you better and find the right therapy and med combination to pull you into a better headspace. I do think it's possible, and sometimes when we least expect it.
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Re: Unable to function

Postby lilyfairy » Tue Mar 16, 2021 11:47 pm

darkwhisperer wrote: I just tell what I feel/don't feel inbetween a 40 minutes session that seems to last only 5 minutes... for what? No perspective, no answers... just routine. I'm on this therapist since 2018, I guess (kinda messed up with my notion of time since my first huge breakdown on 2016) and I'm pretty sure that by that time, specially for a professional, is more than enough to provide some kind of noticeable direction on my 'treatment'.
I would say if you're not feeling like therapy is going anywhere helpful or productive, that it would be time to ask to see someone else. I've been through a lot of therapists who were totally useless to me- some I stuck with way too long, but ultimately I was never going to feel comfortable dealing with them. I find it very difficult to say things out loud to bring things up during therapy and find writing things out to hand over to my therapist for him to read helpful. He'll then ask me more questions about what I've written and it's much easier to speak about them then. It's frequently the only way I can communicate certain things. When I start with someone new, I print them out a copy of my history that I have typed up on my computer, because it's easier than having to rehash everything and I got to a point where I just couldn't keep reliving it each time I started over.

It's perfectly ok to say to your therapist "this isn't working". Anyone who is a professional will accept that. I have asked both my Dr and my previous therapist to recommend someone else to me- and they did say to me "I think this person or this person would probably suit you well, but I don't think x is the right person for you to see". Ask your psychiatrist who they might recommend as a possible good fit for you. Don't give up though. I do understand the feeling. As far as therapists go, I think I've found most of the idiots/poorly qualified/those who seriously shouldn't be practicing in my town. I was into double digits before I found someone I felt I might be able to trust and feel comfortable with, and who seemed to know what we needed to do.

Sometimes therapy is not always moving forward. Sometimes it's just about managing and getting by. My doctor recently pointed out to me that the past two years, I've kind of just moved from one crisis point to the next. I didn't like that description, but she had a point. It's not that I don't feel the therapy is helpful, just that there's too much happening for me to cope with.

darkwhisperer wrote:Sometimes I feel the urge to ask normal people how do they function but I know that it would be the same as to be blind and ask people who see how they do it. Well, they simply just see. And I simply can't get out of this hole and build a life of my own.
I said something to this effect to someone involved in my care last week. Said how nice it would be nice to only have to deal with normal people problems.

I was 31 before I managed to move out and become independent. Combination of trying to find a suitable place to live, escaping an abusive environment where I was made to believe I wasn't capable of living alone, and being financially independent enough to do so (once I stated receiving disability). I know it's easy to, but try not to compare your abilities to those of other people without a chronic illness. Sending hugs if you'd like some.
First rule of mental health: Learn to distinguish who deserves an explanation, who deserves only one answer, and who deserves absolutely nothing.

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Re: Unable to function

Postby darkwhisperer » Tue Mar 23, 2021 9:36 pm

Thank you all for the replies.. and sorry for taking so long for replying back. It's been hard..

I'm trying not to do something bad, being more open in therapy, adapting to this new combination of meds...

Everything and everyone is demanding all of me. It feels as having each member tied up to horses running into opposite directions... Sometimes when I sleep I have good dreams... that I am on a different phase, that I have energy to keep things up etc, but then I wake up and... ouch. Existing can be so hurtful..

Thanks for being so welcoming. I wish the world could understand half as anyone here can, and that I could just press pause to reality for now.
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Re: Unable to function

Postby darkwhisperer » Wed Mar 24, 2021 3:45 pm

I am SO done. My psychiatrist feels incompetent because of me, my parents say I’m rude when they ask me to do something for them when I can’t because I’m always extremely tired and impatient, I have a band and everyone is waiting for me to do my part of the recordings but that’s so funny because when I was ok and willing to do everything they were all absent-minded about it and then SUDDENLY they are all focused on it and can’t wait now, my girlfriend wants me to do my stuff and has nothing to say or only a bunch of cliches when I point out that I’m not ok. NO ONE can wait for me to get better. The world won’t stop spinning for me. It has to be NOW because everyone is in the mood. ###$ what I’m going through, I’m just not making enough effort, right? If that’s what the future holds for me I don’t want it. I just wish that I could induce a heart attack on myself so that my end would seem by natural cause. I hate everyone right now but still don’t want to hurt them. But I feel so on the edge and all these demands only make me even more desperate to disappear. If only the world could wait it wouldn’t have to be like this...
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Re: Unable to function

Postby Snaga » Wed Mar 24, 2021 4:11 pm

I'm extremely avoidant, but the world doesn't seem to sympathise with me either.

The band.. will simply have to wait until you're able. Your girl... will have to understand, or not. I would say the only healthy thing to do, is to push yourself where you can, when you can, and those around you will have to understand when you can't, full stop.

I stumble through life. I really wish things were easier for me, but they're not. So I make do. That's all we can do- make do with what we are and have.

Your psychiatrist feels incompetent? I... could think of a couple snarky things to say about them- but that ground's already been covered- you may need to shop around for one that feels more confident in their abilities.
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Re: Unable to function

Postby DistortedOne » Thu Jul 08, 2021 2:23 am

Wow! I could have written so many of the things you all have said in this thread and something from everyone so far. I'm BP 1 and have learned a lot in the few years now since I was finally properly diagnosed. Firs we all have serious medical conditions and we must receive professional treatment or we are simply doomed. We need to be open about treatment and be involved in the process not just along for the ride letting everyone else decide what's working for us and what's not. So, so many of us just take whatever the docs prescribe sometimes completely disregarding unbelievably horrible effects then can have on us. No two of us are alike in how our diseases manifest themselves on each of us not to mention our physical uniqueness in how each of us reacts to different meds and treatments. We cannot be afraid to speak up about meds, docs, counselors, and anything involved in our treatment really. If we feel something is working be vocal about that and be just as vocal about things we are having apparent problems with.
I'm married with two wonderful little ones, but in my late 40's now trying to figure out how so much of my life went by and I accomplished so little professionally and otherwise. I had my best job back from 2010 to 2015 but I was in the process of mentally melting down and didn't realize it until after I resigned in 2015 on the verge of a huge breakdown. I had finally made my way up to a really respectable job and I just ###$ it all up. Oh and we were having my 2nd child at the same time and this was the point in our relationship that my wife pretty gave up on me and started resenting me. She is not wrong to IMO. I've not been a real husband for her and our relationship has always been rocky and unstable (because of my condition whether I was aware of it or not). I do think about ending it all and understand so many of the reasons BP people probably do. But I cannot and will not ever leave my girls in this ###$ up world all alone. Absolutely not. And now's the hard part. Suicide is the easy way out. It only hurts those you leave behind and now you don't have to do the work it takes to live with this condition.
One thing I want to point out is that a lot of the negativity we feel is simply our own minds working against us. We all really feel so many things emotionally than normals do and this has a profound effect on our lives in ways we don't even think about. One way that manifests is that we can be so negative sometimes that we kind of create this depressed view of reality that isn't accurate and not felt by others in our lives. We have this way of piling all the negatives we perceive in our lives and piling it on and on like anvils on our shoulders and it just pulls us down this terrible spiral. On and on. Normals around us understand our depressive episodes so little, in reality, and usually have no idea how bad things are in our heads. It's like we need to find ways to snap out of our dark downward emotional spirals and understand that we're always going to exagerate things in our heads that don't match reality. Give yourselves permission to find some simple pleasure just to break the negative cycle for a little bit and work from there.
I don't know. What do I know anyway? I will say that many times when we feel so hopeless or just flat and tired of it all, we're not receiving the right treatment and the right meds can fix a lot of that. They can help tremendously. If you're feeling that bad about yourself, it's a good bet you need to change meds or treatments. I speak from experience.
I'm rambling on again. I recently realized the Pramipexole I take every night for RLS is making me manic even at low doses. Small increases have tremendous effects that I wasn't recognizing as mania until very recently. I just realized I'm being effected so much and it's like every day. If you're taking Pramipexole, please be aware of this possibility and talk to your docs.
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