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Introduction new member

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Introduction new member

Postby tknightt » Tue Nov 05, 2019 5:29 pm

Hi, I am a 42 year old man, separated from a 17 year marriage (although not technically married) with 3 children in 50/50 shared custody. The separation was decided by my ex-spouse. I have since then moved on and met my new spouse, we've been together 2 years, she has 2 children with full time custody. My new spouse has been diagnosed with BPD. It's been a rocky 2 years, most of the time everything is fine. But when there's "episodes" everything comes crashing down. The littlest thing can set her off an a rampage, she does physically hurt anyone but she is very good at finding that one thing to say that will hurt.

I've had my phone rummaged through on a few occasions, each communication scrutinised. Over the past 2 years on 2-3 occasions she went mad for things that to me were benine (ex: changed phone so pictures from more than 4 years ago came up as visible, picture of my ex standing on the beach, not a sexy picture by any means, taken from about 50' away).

On good days we have a very good relationship, managing 5 children every odd week is not easy but we make it work.

When the occasional "episodes" started a blamed myself... ALOT... having only been in one worth mentioning relationship and having separation pushed into me felt like a had done everything wrong so figured I was doing the same thing again. For a while during these outbursts I would break down, stop heating and basically shut down. I have since then grew a little, learned more about the disorder which helped my understand a bit more.

But once in a while it would be nice to talk to someone whose living with a similar situation, fell like I'm not alone.... I hope this forum will help me with this.
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Re: Introduction new member

Postby Aries411 » Wed Nov 06, 2019 2:34 pm

Welcome to the forum tknightt,

I moved your post to the BPD forum since I think you may find more people that can relate here.
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Re: Introduction new member

Postby quietgirl2538 » Thu Nov 07, 2019 3:12 am

I have bipolar I and am currently on medication. Does your wife take meds and does she see a psychiatrist and a therapist? The reason I ask is because bipolar is very hard on a person and managing it so that we can be stable and productive and just plain be happy is hard with the mood swings.

I do take into account your suffering too. My husband has gone through so much and I wished I wouldn't have gotten so sick, but in truth, I couldn't help it. I was ill. Things can and do get better in a relationship.

I take strong medication and it keeps me stable for the most part, but when I am highly triggered I have my ups and downs in 'episodes' which aren't too bad, but they make my life a living hell. Sucks to have this disorder.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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ADD (not the hyperactive kind)
*I take loads of meds, but they keep me stable :D

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Re: Introduction new member

Postby tknightt » Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:23 pm

She did get medication for a while, it helped somewhat with the mood swing, but she was also quite monotone at times and there were side effects, she already has a hard time managing her weight and she gained 25lbs within a few months so she stopped taking it. Her doctor did suggest group therapy but she opted not to go, she doesn't feel like talking with other will help her with this condition.

It's hard for me because I do love her, but when she starts lashing out, she's verbally abusive, trying to find things to say that will hurt me. She also comes back alot on my previous relationship, saying I will/should leave her and get back with my ex as she was "so perfect". Those are her words not mine, true I was not the one that initiated my previous separation but I have the feeling that I did everything I could at that time to same my marriage, since it did not work then it wouldn't work now either, not would I want it to, I have move on, I don't want to go back.
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Re: Introduction new member

Postby quietgirl2538 » Thu Nov 07, 2019 2:59 pm

No one should be treated like that. No one would want it done to them. Tell her that. How would you like it if I did this to you??? As for the meds, I have gone through so much trial and error on meds that I ask you to not give up so easily. Stick to trying new meds. I did also gain weight but now I'm losing it. I've lost about 20 lbs and I am on the right meds now. I do still sometimes have ups and downs but they aren't so bad as they have been before. Try to get her to keep trying new meds in an effort to help your relationship. We all want happiness in this lifetime.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Bipolar I
ADD (not the hyperactive kind)
*I take loads of meds, but they keep me stable :D

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Re: Introduction new member

Postby tknightt » Thu Nov 07, 2019 3:19 pm

I find it hard to push her back like that, telling her that what's she's doing is not acceptable, although it's wearing me out, I know she isn't doing it on purpose. The meds are also expensive, she does not have medical insurance at her work so only a small pourcentage is reimbursed by gouvernement program (we live in Canada).

I almost sound like I'm making excuses for her but she has had it rough, she got pregnant very young (17) with the father being totaly absent and no help with child care expenses (her son is now 17). She's had abusive spouses, had spouses cheat on her, so that doesn't help her self esteem or her hability to trust others.
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Re: Introduction new member

Postby quietgirl2538 » Sun Nov 10, 2019 12:29 am

It sounds like you've been really good to her. That's great to know. She needs all the good she can get. I do hope she sees reason and realizes that treating you like that isn't very nice.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Bipolar I
ADD (not the hyperactive kind)
*I take loads of meds, but they keep me stable :D

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