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scared

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scared

Postby Son » Sat Dec 08, 2018 4:59 am

Im not sure what to say. I feel very scared because I feel close to the psych ward. Im depressed, having some level of psychosis, and I have suicidal thoughts running through my head. A friend asked if I was extra stressed out lately. Well, I've had the pleasure of fighting with state insurance to get the medication I need. For months, years, and also the past few days. Endless jumping through hoops. And here I am, already sick. I have been trying to coordinate doctors, nurses, and two pharmacies and it's exhausting.

Some friends are very helpful. Some are not.
Bipolar I, BPD traits. | 200mg Lamictal, 900mg Lithium, 20mg Abilify

A boy was tangled in his bike forever. A girl was missing two fingers.
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Re: scared

Postby wildchild1226 » Mon Dec 10, 2018 2:36 am

I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly. Thoughts like that are insidious. The more I have them, the more I have them and if you've never experienced them you just can't relate to how deep, dark and black the hole can get. Do you have a therapist or counselor that you are seeing? You really need someone to communicate all of this to. I'm sure that is why you are here, for help with all of this. I just wish you had someone who could speak with you in person. I want you to know that no matter how much you don't believe it, this is going to get better. You are loved and it will get better. If you don't have anyone that you can talk with per se, then try to be with someone, anyone, a friend, out in a bookstore or a coffeeshop. Try to get out and not be alone. The more I isolate, the more I isolate and before I know it I haven't left my house for days, which only serves to make my thoughts more dark. Have you spoken with your doctor? Sometimes my meds need to be adjusted. The last thing in the world I want to do is to tell my doctor that I'm having these thoughts, but that is who can help. Please talk with someone, call your doctor and don't give up. Here is a really tight, tight hug. I hope it helps.
God uses broken things. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. It is Peter, weeping bitterly who returns to greater power than ever.
~Vance Havner~
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Re: scared

Postby Son » Mon Dec 10, 2018 11:53 am

Thanks Wildchild. I don't have a pro team just yet. No therapist, no Pdoc. I may get one today though as I have an intake at a mental health clinic this morning. For now my primary Dr is prescribing the meds I was prescribed by my last Pdoc... just until I get someone that can truly manage them. But he doesn't understand bipolar or the meds that treat it so he can't really make any adjustments. I have thought about making sure I'm not alone. But transportation is a big issue as I have no car and live somewhere with awful public transportation. I don't feel like waiting for a bus in the freezing cold winter either. Talking on the phone with a friend has helped.

I've really been all over the place this week. In a rage and suicidal, depressed and suicidal, seeing things, paranoid. But this morning I feel good. Hopeful even. And I'm happy about that. :D
Bipolar I, BPD traits. | 200mg Lamictal, 900mg Lithium, 20mg Abilify

A boy was tangled in his bike forever. A girl was missing two fingers.
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Re: scared

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Dec 11, 2018 3:58 pm

I second what Wildchild said. Hugs! Keep venting here if it helps. You are not alone.

When I've felt close to the psych ward, it's only because I need to make sure I'm alright. That's all it means.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Dx: Bipolar I and ADD
Lamictal 300mg
Wellbutrin XL 300mg
Vraylar 6 mg
diazepam p.r.n 10 mg twice a day
Elavil (Amitriptylin) 20mg for insomnia
Methylphenidate (Ritalin) 10mg

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Re: scared

Postby skilsaw » Wed Dec 12, 2018 9:13 am

Son wrote:Im not sure what to say. I feel very scared because I feel close to the psych ward. Im depressed, having some level of psychosis, and I have suicidal thoughts running through my head. A friend asked if I was extra stressed out lately. Well, I've had the pleasure of fighting with state insurance to get the medication I need. For months, years, and also the past few days. Endless jumping through hoops. And here I am, already sick. I have been trying to coordinate doctors, nurses, and two pharmacies and it's exhausting.

Some friends are very helpful. Some are not.


Jumping through hoops for no mind bureaucrats who blindly implement voluminous books of policy and regulations is such a frustration and so detrimental to our health. They would actually save money if they loosened the strings a little and hired people capable of empathy and independent thought. Those idiots have real problems...Sickos, all of them... We are actually healthy if we compared ourselves to them. They are doing no mind BS that they believe gives them purpose. Sad. Feel sorry for them.

Saying "Yes" is totally disempowering for them. Saying "No" makes them feel big. Sad.
It is not always possible to make someone's discomfort go away.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is resist the urge to fix it and instead just say, "You, too?"
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