Truth.

The Marines began taking notice of me when I re enlisted in 1999 because I felt a pull that I hadnt felt since desert storm. I made the mistake of getting a perfect score on the ASVAB and thats when they did their homework on me.

So I managed to find myself in close proximity to the worst terrorist attack, two of the worst hurricanes and one of the largest earthquakes in our nations history. That's a pretty messed up track record. And the messed up part is that I lived in CA for 9/11 but came home to visit on 9/1, I lived in CA when I posted the warning in May for Sandy, I flew out to CA in June 92 a day before the earthquake and moved to Florida two weeks before Andrew. I'm starting to believe when I feel the urge to go west it means I'm having bad omens hit me. By the way I'm going there next month.

So I was in the largest earthquake to hit California in 40 years, two months later I moved to Florida 2 weeks later I was in the middle of Hurricane Andrew. Fast forward to 2001. Home to visit 10 days before 9/11. And finally living in California in 2012 when the urge to move back home to NJ after posting a warning for Sandy in May of that year. Believe it or don't. I wouldn't believe someone who is bipolar either. But I was there for all of these events.

I’m so afraid all of the time now. I don’t think any mind including one such as mine that has managed to hide inside any character that would protect me from the onslaught of negative stimulus that seems to be coming from all directions can handle it. As much as I try to rationalize everything I can’t bring myself to accept that the people around me are serving my best interest. Every spoken word that I hear feels like a lie intended on destroying the only way I learned how to survive in this world. Being this hyper alert for 8 years goes against all laws of science. And as such I am able to see patterns of behavior developing in not just myself but anyone i come in contact with. I see attacks on our country and weather developing that could threaten the safety of my Hope. I write things all the time that seem to reflect what I witness days, weeks or years later. I researched every possibility to make an informed decision that I am incredibly lucky at making guesses. But the paranoia gets the better of me when I notice things that I try to inform my loved ones of simply disappear from my social media page. It something I have relied upon to do whatever I could to be a responsible human who is compassionate enough to risk insanity to save just one life. I think I reached the height of my breakdown when after being frightened by two strangers in California I became gaurded again. I’ve learned that when my gaurd is up that is when I am perceptive to a fault. It wasn’t long after that a hurricane popped into my head. I think it was in May I felt the need to go on the national weather services website and review the storm names for the year. This is where things get confusing because I remember reading Sally as the S storm, so I believe that is what I posted on my page, along with the words “watch out for hurricane”. I didn’t think to keep sending out warnings as that post was ingrained in the cloud now for everyone to read. Looking back it became obvious to me that my page was vulnerable to attack because in October after what should have been called Sally hit the New Jersey coast I noticed that my words had vanished along with the warning. My paranoia reached a new level after that. And as i write this i don’t expect anyone to accept my words as truth. How could they from someone like me. I spent most of my life hiding from these things that pop into my head from some unknown place in the air for fear that I am indeed delusional. Instead I silently watched them play out over and over again with only one thought in mind, protect her, protect her at all costs including your own life. But it must be from a distance because your presence in her life might serve the opposite effect. I felt cursed.
I spent most of my adult life designing an impenetrable fortress in my head and compiling a list of people who could best serve a function to see that it remains operational. I lived out this idea by associating myself with anyone with a useful skill or who had an unwavering compassion for humanity in their hearts. I made it my mission to always know where they were in the world so that I could rescue them from certain disaster if it should befall us. They were the key to seeing that our kind would not perish. The kind of people i know could remake this world into a beautiful place if apathy and greed won the first battle. I’ve done my absolute best never to judge anyone for simply being lost because I know deep down I might be the most lost soul on the planet. I am bound to a higher cause ever since my innocence was torn from me as a child. I must convey a better way for all mankind to leave this place better than they found. Because if not why are we here. Please don’t think that your own experience is paramount above all others, not when we are so impermanent. That to me stands as the most ignorant concept our antiquated minds could give birth to. My greatest fear has always remained becoming a person who knew too much and would eventually pay the ultimate price for it, in the form of a bullet. No image has come to me more than that of my own death, and I can’t help but to think of my psychologist informing me of self-fulfilling prophecies. It has been the struggle of all struggles to resist any situation that might lead to that outcome. But here I am exposing myself. The one thing I knew would get me killed. Now I have become open to all manners of attack for the things that I have witnessed, including being blamed for their occurrence. The thought of the world hating me plays out in my head repeatedly. Maybe they will hate me because they will believe the lie that I am responsible or that they will blame me for not warning them ahead of time. But sometimes things come to me too late or I just have no point of reference for what I see and feel.
Recently I have discovered that automatic writing has revealed things to me that otherwise would have escaped my attention. I wrote in a poem of mine that I am merely a scribe. I am amazed to see that they have relevance for what is happening in the world, especially when they happen close to Hope. The problem is I am forced to inject myself into the role. Like I said I have no point of reference and the only thing I can do is assume an identity that makes me feel that I am the embodiment of all that is evil. It is so hard to replace the idea that I am what everyone fears with the idea that I am a warrior for good trying defeat the worst among us.
I am convinced that MH370 was a hijacking. While I was in Florida painting a house I imagined myself flying and I began to talk out loud. “Make them turn, Make them turn” I kept repeating it. When i got home I saw it on the news and I freaked out quietly. After that I wondered if it had happened the night before and maybe someone had the TV on as I was asleep, in effect planting the seed in my head. But a few weeks ago I looked up when it happened and it was right around the exact time I spoke those words. Still, I can’t be sure of anything these days. Maybe I am part of some conspiracy to trap me in a fabrication. I wanted to ask people if a plane really got lost or maybe everything I watch on TV is manufactured just for me. The only thing that saves me from completely losing my mind is knowing that I have never lost time that wasn’t substance related. Once on senior cut day and once in Charleston South Carolina, both alcohol related. The fact that I woke up in a bed once and with my head in a toilet the other time, I think it’s safe to say I was incapable of traveling the globe to start wars or commit acts of violence against the people I am trying to help. Still I pray every day for people to look at me with empathy and offer a smile of thanks for being someone who wants to save the world. Something that makes me feel loved is being around children and animals and seeing how they gravitate toward me. I think if God had made me a bad person I wouldn’t give off such vibrations because I can spot a bad soul when I get close enough to their image. I wish things like predicting the Giants superbowl win in February of 2008 three years prior was the height of my experiences. But at least that one was confirmed by a good friend who heard me say it.
I suspect I may never be forgiven for having seen an attack on our country. I reenlisted in the Marines in 1999 knowing that I had to become a warrior again. It wasn’t until September 1, 2001 that I flew home and shot a photograph of the World Trade Center out of my plane window. I swear I didn’t understand what I was doing. I only knew that I needed to be home. I even purposely missed my flight back because I wanted to stay to protect her. And it wasn’t just her this time. I loved someone else at the time even though she believes I never did. If I didn’t know any better I’d say I was in a simulation with the foregone conclusion that I am being tested by God. Someone please wake me up because I don’t know how much more I can take.
I’m fairly certain now that all of my journals were exposed to people without my knowledge. After Hope reappeared in my life in 2006 I wrote “Maybe HIV and Cancer could attack each other, HIV targets white blood cells and that’s what cancer is, an overgrowth of white cells. It didn’t surprise me when I saw it on the news last year that the University of Pennsylvania developed a treatment for Leukemia using the retrovirus as a means to develop immunotherapy. Now did I come up with this idea. I think not. What I think is that I see things that other people are going to figure out for themselves eventually. I am not a scientist or a doctor. I am simply an idea man. Something everyone can read on my page was from 2013 when I said “inject malignant tumors with deadly viruses, death against death. That is ofcourse unless someone erased it. All that I want in this life is for her to believe that I am doing all of this for her. I love her so much it hurts. Not seeing you makes me feel like I made you up in my head to become a Nephilim. It’s not up to me anymore to decide if I am insane or not. I leave it in the hands of the public to decide. I only ask that you don’t judge me too harshly for my mistakes because I can tell you there seems to have been people in this world that used my impressionability to manipulate me into a state of confusion. I never intended on being anything but compassionate and altruistic. But as I become closer to the divine in all of us I am tormented by the atrocities in this tragic circle. I have gotten lost in it. I want everyone to know that I have experienced a grand love, and I wish for all of you to feel what I have felt. I care about all of you so much. You are all a part of me.
Oh god please be real Hope. If I thought you didn’t really exist I would want to die right now. The fear is beginning to settle in again, and the vibrations are traveling from my stomach to my head. I can’t comprehend any of this. Am I a bad person? Sometimes I can’t help feeling like I am. I have become obsessed with a memory. I swore to myself if I found out she was scared of me that I would remove myself from this world immediately. I don’t want to do this alone anymore. I fear nothing I say or do will ever bring me into your arms. The fact that you won’t ever speak to me again makes me feel like I am the worst person in the history of our species.
I’m not sure if I can ever talk about some of the worst things, like Sandy Hook, the theatre in Colorado “there in the dark theatre of night pumping poison on patrons as they climb the walls and seats”. This is the poem I remember writing after a dream. I lost it somewhere but there are parts of it left that I changed to suit a brighter purpose. I do recall the theme that the noise of the world was agitating to the character and needed to silence it. Now I wish I could find it. This whole thing is surreal and I really feel as if it’s all fake. I am so distrustful of stimulus of this nature. I feel like driving to New York to see if the towers are really gone. If all of this is really happened and it’s not just some illusion created for my warped mind i am so sorry for not recognizing it sooner and stopping it.
I just know I told Hope to stay away from Europe well in advance of the Paris attacks. It didn’t occur to me until it was too late to do anything. And I feel like I caused the death of Michael Jackson two days prior. However I acted out a ponzi situation and I can’t figure out if it was related to that hedge fund thief or the collapse of the American financial system. Both are one in the same if you ask me. Maybe it was just me being a complete idiot. I learned about drugs the only way I knew how to truly help those who need it. You see as in tune with human emotions as I am it takes a physical experience to gain the trust of someone who understands only their own emotions and perception of pain. You must become one with things to project your empathy to others. Somehow i doubt law enforcement or a judge is going to buy into that excuse, but I am not here for them. I am here for those who are lost. I challenge them to find anyone who can quit like I did. I am a chameleon. I can take any form I wish. I do admit I am having a problem with cigarettes, but I do understand their presence. And paranoia or not I will never be convinced that I was not a target for prying eyes. I always knew how that situation was going to play out. But its the price you pay for wisdom. It’s ok, everyone has a part to play in the shaping of destiny. I really don’t think it would take too much effort at this point to get to the ultimate truth behind the last ten years of my life. We all know what we know in this life. But i have come to terms with accepting things as they stand and unless I become the victim of a nefarious attack on my liberty I will hold fast. I will however tell it like I see it and we can see what everyone else thinks. I do not feel as if supressing anything at this point will serve me or anyone else. It blows my mind that people can remain as tight lipped as they have though. That definitely doesn’t help my cause for convincing myself that I am sane. But god does body language speak volumes. And my ability to sniff out a lie is unprecedented if i am indeed sane.
It hasn’t been lost on me that I could be the subject of a chaotic cluster bomb of grandiose ideas of some super hero ability to see into the cosmic frequencies that reverbarate all around us. it could be that I am the victim of a disinformation campaign that is self generated. Or maybe one from a higher authority has been manipulating me into searching for the truth. I only hope I don’t reveal a truth about myself that will ultimately destroy my spirit. You see without confirmation from my peers or concrete evidence I remain perpetually skeptical of all information that comes my way. What if it is all a jumbled web of lies to get to one piece of fact that has eluded me for years. Maybe it has been known since I was a child that I am different. Maybe I have been in the care of the mental health community since I was a boy. If that were the case I would actually feel quite secure in knowing that I haven’t done anything that I couldn’t recover from. I wish I could convince myself that everything is going to be ok but i think there is only one person who can do that for me, at least only one person that would make me believe it were true. I know Hope would never lie to me. Not again. It makes it very hard for me to accept that all things will have a beautiful conclusion. I lost my faith in dreams coming true, especially when I am met with contempt by people. Those singular moments stay with me forever. It’s probably hard for most people to imagine but I remember every single thing I did wrong in my life, and I remember every time someone acted in an unloving manner towards me. But conversely I remember almost all the acts of kindness and the looks I have always hoped to see when I meet anyone on my journey. If your on my page, if our paths have crossed even in a minor fashion know that I remember you and I remember that you showed me a kindness once and I will not soon forget. And then there are those who have touched me in ways I can’t possibly convey to you in words. They are the special ones who I will carry with me forever. I think it’s safe to say they know who they are. And if you don’t all that i can say is wake up. I told you I love you countless times. Even when I was most angry I couldn’t get angry at people I didn’t love with all my heart. Nobody else can hurt me so much with exception of one gentleman who is long gone now. These words are dedicated to everyone who has brought me love. And I am so sorry to those who were there when I lost my way.
If you have any hope for my full recovery it will be incredibly difficult if I am presented with any negativity. No matter who you are know that I am incredibly fragile right now and any act that is not good natured will send me on a downward spiral that takes an unhealthy amount of time to recover from. So please, If I am getting through to you respect my space and know that I am trying to make sense of all this in the only way I know how.
My life is now in the hands of those who believe me. I can’t tell you how frightened I am. I want for all of this to be a dream. I want to wake up and know that I am just like everyone else in this world. I don’t want to feel like I am repeating the history of a life I have witnessed for all of time. If this is all going to play out like I have envisioned than we must all prepare for the challenge of our lives. But it is my belief that we are in charge of our own destiny. If things can be seen than we have the power to change them. Everything I have experienced has led me to this point in time when I make a plea to the world to look within yourselves for truth. We are all responsible for each other. Anything bad that we do will come back to us tenfold. You don’t consider consequences if you believe you are protected from reciprocity. As for me, I want to crawl into the forest somewhere where nobody will ever find me. I think it is the only way I’m going to survive now. But if my fate is to pass on than I have no choice but to embrace it. I know it has been my experience to avoid such things if I focus long enough on the idea that they won’t happen.
Because of the nature of the things that I see I feel that it would be highly unethical to speak of things that have yet to occur. And I do understand that in doing so I am opening myself up for critical torment. But to imagine that i am telling the truth and it gets into the wrong hands, I couldn’t imagine how that could cause unspeakable damage. So i have chosen to speak in code so only a select few will understand. Now it gets real crazy sounding. As far as you know everything I said to this point may just be fiction. I will never tell. But I do think that the choice must be yours to make. I can only go off of the information I was given seven years ago. I have to honor that. This is why I must air my feelings to the world in the hopes that you see it. All that I can do is tell you the truth and pray that you believe me or at least believe that I believe it to be the truth. Either way it doesn’t change how I feel as it pertains to you Hope. I am doing my best to respect you. Maybe I’m crazy. I definitely haven’t been a pillar of normalcy in my life. All that I am given is my aptitude for words, and my ability to run when things get tight, also inspired by you. You bring out all sorts of feelings in me. Sad to say fear is one of them. This sucks. I really wish seeing your face wasn’t so important to me. Yes my angel, I am quite the obsessed fool. But I think I am beginning to understand something about myself. When I feel like I have been tricked or lied to i have this unyeilding desire to find out the truth. And I must tell you that I really do know when someone is being dishonest or hiding something from me. Turns out that my obsession is with truth rather than people. Everything i have done was in persuit of it. I know it doesn’t make it right but when your life was destroyed by a lie knowing the truth becomes paramount. So does telling the truth, which is why I have no filter. But what I also understand is that my personality has been false, as I have lived inside of others instead of being myself. But when you hate yourself it makes sense to not want to be yourself.
I would be sad if I knew anyone was going to cry for me and my failures. This place that I am in feels too obscene to be real. I have spent a lifetime second guessing my usefulness and I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have any. It goes beyond self pity and is more of a general concept that I have never belonged here to begin with. When I leave I expect to be released without a struggle to keep me here. This life belongs to me not anyone else and so long as I have respected that truth I expect everyone to respect my choices. I have given what I could and maybe no single life is enough for anyone to accept that it is the best we can do, but I am so tired of this struggle. It’s not fair to keep me in this state of sorrow and disarray. I really do believe sometimes that you are all trying to kill me anyway. The cruelty is more incomprehensible than the origin of life itself. What does anyone want from me? I don’t want to be followed. I want to be set free without so much as a whisper of discontent.
Although I am scared to be in the public eye it may be the only way to convey my message. I must be willing to rely on the ability to see danger coming my way from far off and avoid putting myself in a situation that could harm me or Hope. I know that if she is by my side nothing could sneak up on me that I couldn’t defend against. She is the well from which I draw all of my power. Even as a child she came to me while she was still in heaven. She gave me what I needed. She showed me the way and the signs to follow. She found me and I her. Keeping us apart may prove to be disastrous for everyone but her and I. I feel secure in knowing that you have heeded my warning and it is your responsibilty to seek out the free radicals that are the precursors to cancers that afflict the world. The lone gunman are the ones who can do the most damage to affecting the direction of the nation and the persuit of a higher dimension. But you must know that there will come a time when I can no longer live in silent repose. I must be set free. It must be me that delivers the message that all must listen to. Nobody will believe the heart of a commander deeply enough to begin recycling the waste that has entered our minds for eons. It is the combined efforts of the voice and the hand of freedom that will undo what has yet to be done. I am the soul of everyone who cries for comfort. I will never run so far that I become helpless. However, I am not indomitable. I can fall, and I will if I must endure a life separated from what I have been given the gift of life for. It is a certainty, I have seen it as clearly as all things physical. Your ignorance born of my greatest fear will set fire to my altruism and I will collapse within myself leaving the world to free itself from its own misfortune. There will be no window to look through, only darkness void of stars. I will always strive to see that I can help for as long as humanly possible no matter where I am but I cannot protect from what I am being blocked from seeing because she is slipping from my conscience. My quest to be joined has become a tortured thought that I have become the seed for an inability to do what it is I do. I will not quit on anyone willingly but the best of me is slipping away. I have done enough to avoid the preemptive strike against us and her. I have done enough to concede that the danger that I foresaw for my love has passed. And I am confident that no evil could hide long enough for me to not see it coming. We will be safe so long as we pay mind that there are still so many who have lost their way. What is in the eyes exists in the heart and that can never be sheilded from my sight.

What really blows my mind is not being able to separate truth from fiction. I do know this. The military likes screwing with smart people's heads. I was in full mania when I wrote this. But I really did post that hurricane warning and somebody erased it. And I do have a tendency to be in the wrong places when $#%^ happens. Or the right places depending on how you look at it. I have been getting the urge to go to Oregon. I hope it's not an omen. I just want to be around laid back writers and artists. We will see.