Pursuing illusions or finding joy?

I have good reason to believe that all bipolar people have had illusions - perceptions of things that are not real but really seem to be important and exciting.

The illusion that brought me down in my first manic episode was the 9/11 conspiracy theory. I felt a lot of stuff in response to things that I percieved to be real. I felt anxiety and fear when I considered the idea that our government could lie to us, and that the official story could be a lie. I'm not saying that there was any lying here, just that I percieved lies.

I dug into plenty of other related conspiracy topics with an insatiable thirst to get to the bottom of it all. I could not find a bottom, and I am certain that I would never be able to do it and stay sane. It was exciting but caused a lot of anxiety and fear that led to my first manic episode and hospitalization.

The illusion was that I percieved a need to know what I was being lied to about. What I failed to realize that the truth is I don't need to know everything, but that I needed to wake up so that illusions would not seem real anymore. Now, when I hear about 911 truth stuff, I am not emotionally upset in any way - took years to get to this by the way. Now, I realize that I have no reason to be distracted from my life's work, which is a source of joy.

Please feel free to post any "illusions" that you may have had, or currently have, that can bring you down and make you feel anxious or fearful.

I don't know if this counts as an illusion, but here it goes.

I had this complex that I needed to be perfect, and prove my perfection to the world. When I was really challenged in university physics and math, it (along with other things) kind of set me over the edge. I'm sure I could have succeeded, but I was paralyzed with the thought of failure. I was obsessed with proving my intellect - aspirations of being a nuclear physicist, or a surgeon. But it wasn't what I really wanted to do.

Being hospitalized and going through such an embarrassing public unraveling brought me down big time. It was my Achilles Heel - proof that I wasn't perfect and couldn't live up to my perfectionist fantasy. But then I realized that it wasn't about what I looked like to other people, that I needed to listen to what I wanted to do. It was a bid letdown to see that my brain, that had aced multivariable calculus and chemistry, turned crazy on itself. If I am a smart person, couldn't I see through the delusions and psychosis?

I struggle with completing homework and writing papers on subjects that are definitely below my intellectual level - should be so easy. Since it wasn't up to what I was challenged at, I felt I couldn't dignify it with my efforts.

It's depressing to think sometimes that maybe I would be smarter without this bipolar stuff..maybe the medicine is holding me back from something great. Am I sacrificing my creativity to stay sane? So humbling to think that I take medicine that changes how I think. Man, I could have been something.

leanandserene wrote:Man, I could have been something.

It ain't over yet - and I am certain that you STILL have plenty of opportunity to do incredible things. I don't think it's ever too late to hit the "reset button" (as Copy_Cat put it) and move forward. I've personally failed many times at serious ventures. Of course, I succeeded at a few, which puts me in a very good position right now, but I failed a LOT too, and I still fail sometimes. And it still sucks when I fail.

leanandserene wrote:I don't know if this counts as an illusion, but here it goes.

Yes, I think your story is a great example because you describe your illusion as a fantacy image of something that is 1) different from your intellectual aspirations or life's work, and 2) caused you to have negative emotions. I found your story to be very interesting - thanks for sharing!

I have never had illusions not once.

I have had paranoid delusions and hallucinations.

Call them by the proper name at least.

MrNobody45 wrote:Call them by the proper name at least.

Actually, I am calling these things by the right name. I am not talking about hallucinations or paranoia. I'm talking about illusions - I didn't make this stuff up by the way. I'm glad you feel that you don't have issues with illusions. Perhaps you are finding joy instead?

I totally thought psychiatrists were venting in psychosis inducing gases into the psychiatric ward that I was in and that's why I was confused and psychotic. I don't know if that counts as an illusion (perceptual error) or a delusion (fixed belief that's false), but was nonetheless pretty crazy.

Here's a cat

From a perceptual error pov I believe coincidences are signs from God. I also have fairly recurrent beliefs that my team hate me and also think I have Munchausens tho I have been told these are persecutory delusions.

Signs from God are usually fine and can be amazing. Thinking ppl hate me not so fun

Cracked

"CRACKED GIRL, YOU ARE LOVED."

<3

Cracked

CrackedGirl wrote:Signs from God are usually fine and can be amazing.

I haven't thought about illusions that result in joy. Interesting...