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from HATING food to FORCING myself huge amounts

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from HATING food to FORCING myself huge amounts

Postby createmeover » Tue Jan 21, 2020 10:17 am

since i remmeber existing i HATED eating. it was like a curse for me. always hated it ,i didnt feel any need for food at all as long as i had other sources of warmth to provide energy. i was forced to eat all through my childhood and it really traumatized me i think. i always heard 'gotta eat to be strong and smart and tall etc' and i started believing it, later because of science and nutrition as well. when i hit puberty i started taking an emotional approach to food.. dinner used to be my emotionally grounding rite as i went through my awful day of bullying fear and abuse at school. i had a stable and somewhat harmonious and safe environment at home. i dont know exactly how this happened that i started feeling so 'needy' of food or so attached to it in general. one thing i never refused though were pastry and cookies or any type of sweet. i never had any at home. we didnt have like random food to eat in th e intervals of big meals. we only had the big meals food. so during my early teens this attachment started growing , during my late teens i already had a problem.. some sort of problem. i didnt overeat. but i had some sort of weird conection with food. i never ate in front of people, or with people other than my family. i felt really embarassed mixing up food and people in any environment other than close family. this still happens today.i never eat in front of people now but i do recognize the problem now so its not as hard. growing up it really messed me up. also in my late teens my stomach started giving me problems. it made noises during the silent lectures and it instantanly gave me panic attacks from the social part.. people were sooooo imensely horribly bullies . anything was a reason to make fun of the most weak.. so i started overeating before i went to school so my stomach didnt make noises which was so stupid because it was even louder then since i never ate in school breaks . then when i went to university i had to figure out a way to eat regularly so i didnt have the stomach problems. it still was a nightmare because i had to eat hiding . sometims i would try to eat a bit in public so people wouldnt think i was weird. it was still very hard .. keeping my boundaries and doing my thing keeping my problem from being known , finding places to eat without being uncovered. also people were realy smart.
anyways i was mybe overeating slightly here but nothing compared with what came after. around my early 20s i started binging... i think it was like an easy pleasure tht could replace sex or any sort of social interaction i didnt have in my life. it would replace people.it went on until i ate fully 3/4 portion of food at once regularly. obviously i became really sick. all i thought about when i woke up was what i was gona eat in the day. and when i went to sleep what i would eat next day. i wasnt going to university anymore at this time.i started to live for food.i had no friends, crappy family. no chance of getting a job due to my imensity of problems.. i had to somehow regulate the intake of what i ate though because i wasnt being able to sleep and i wasnt doing any physical exercise. right now im not eating as much but im as fat as i ever was. never been so fat. food is still aways on my mind and i cant eat in public at all.
createmeover
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