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Am I a monster?

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Am I a monster?

Postby Sintara » Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:21 pm

I am a female sexual sadist. I spend hours on end fantasizing about torturing men. I don't hate men, I love them actually. The more I like them and the more I feel sexually attracted to them the more I want to hurt them. Nothing turns me on more than the whimpering sounds and wincing facial expressions they make or if they cry. I also find myself turned on if I see a guy limping. Its even more exciting to me to see other people who care about them feel sorry for them when they see the injuries they have later. I would love to be able to torture a guy and then send him home to a loved one and get to be a fly on the wall so that I could watch that person feeling bad for them and trying to help them.
I obsess over CBT. My fantasies get pretty extreme. I know that there are many sexual sadists out there but I feel like a monster because my fantasies are so extreme. I feel guilty because despite feeling like a monster I also feel a strong desire to find a man who is masochistic enough to allow me to do these things to him. I try not to think about it but I can't stop. I can't get sexually aroused without picturing suffering men in my mind. I collect pictures of injured and tortured men to look at so that later I can have sex with my husband without him knowing how sick I am.
I also have a blindness fetish. I would like to find someone who would agree to wear contacts that made them blind so that I could watch them try to make their way around without sight. I would also enjoy hurting them without them being able to see when it was coming. I might make him complete tasks for me blind so I could watch him struggle. With contacts instead of a blindfold I chould still fully see their facial expressions, which are very important to me. Then I would be aroused enough to have sex with them. I would want them to still wear the contacts during sex so I was in complete control.
I'm so tortured by all of this because my husband called me a "sexual psychopath" and I have to hide it from him now. It has ruined our sex life. I'm addicted to it and don't know what to do.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Chucky » Sat Dec 05, 2009 9:46 pm

Hi,

It's always a bit strange when we become obsessed with such things like this that we can't really act upon or even talk about in the open. Still, I have the feeling that most people have 'inappropriate' thoughts on their minds, but they feel in control of them such that they know they'll never act upon - or talk about - them. I think that's what you should try to achieve here - i.e. control, such that you know you'll never actually let this obsession ruin your normal life. In addition to this, you should also try to find an outlet for your thoughts (such as here) in case you need to express them. I have no doubt that there are many others with similar obsessions to you, and who are already communicating with each other over the Internet. There seems to be Internet communities for just about everything these days.

Take care,
kevin
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Sintara » Sat Dec 05, 2009 11:59 pm

Thanks Kevin. I really do hope having an outlet here will help.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Chucky » Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:50 am

You're welcome but - to be honest - this particular part of the website isn't all that active; and you might get much more responses if you post in a more general forum, such as the Sexuality Forum.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby 2forward1back » Mon Dec 14, 2009 5:13 am

Hi,
There are a lot of people who have the same kind of dilemma as you do. Not the fact that you are a sexual sadist, but the fact that you partner doesn't share a compatible fantasy. I'm assuming that all other aspects of your relationship are good.

I'm not sure how closed minded your husband is or how 'extreme' you would actually get in reality, but there are gentle ways to introduce a 'vanilla' partner to trying something a little more exciting in the bedroom.

My advise is to start doing some research about female dominance, look for sites which are well written and full of helpful, sane information. One very good book, available through Amazon is 'The Mistress Manual'. I think there is a section about how to lovingly introduce your reluctant partner to trying something light and fun. Amazon then 'suggests' other similar books which may be more suitable.

Another good site for discussing these kinds of 'problems' is fetlife.com I suppose you would call it a networking site for kinky people, but its full of helpful information and advise from real people with real issues and problems of a kinky nature.

I don't think you are a monster, you have sexual fantasies.....its what you do with them that could turn you into a monster.

Be gentle with your husband, he's probably just scared and doesn't understand this part of you. Educate yourself about this and then you can educate him in a way that will benefit both of you.
The Human Experience: its a weird ride, but the line to get on, wraps around the planet 3 times
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Sintara » Sun Jan 03, 2010 11:39 am

My husband is absolutely against all experimentation. He says I'm sick and won't even consider the mildest of experimentation. It took me a long time to confess my thoughts to him and now I wish I never had because he will never look at me the same again.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby FrayedEndOfSanity » Thu Feb 04, 2010 1:03 pm

No, you are not a monster.

If you want, I can elaborate. I guess I have a couple of questions, too. I'll wait for the go-ahead from you, though.
Do not take my advice before talking to your doctor/counselor/other professional. Depending on where you live, you may be able to find free, confidential care. Most importantly, sometimes your shrink can be wrong. Get a second opinion.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Sintara » Fri Feb 05, 2010 7:56 am

FrayedEndOfSanity wrote:If you want, I can elaborate. I guess I have a couple of questions, too. I'll wait for the go-ahead from you, though.


Sure, you can ask/elaborate :D
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby sfguy » Sat Feb 13, 2010 7:03 pm

I don't think you're a monster at all. The BSDM world is full of all kinds of people, and there are men who would beg you to tie them up, blindfold and beat them senseless - and I'm not kidding. I've never done any BSDM myself but I have fantasies too, and I'm just starting to get interested in learning more about the community and practice.

However you should realize that although your desires are perfectly normal within the BSDM subculture, they are way too out there for most men in the mainstream of society. Pressuring it on your husband won't work if he doesn't want to. So if you value your marriage and don't want to cheat, your fantasies will have to stay in your head. You might able to watch bondage porn for a little indulgence.

On the other hand, if you find yourself single again someday for this or other reasons, be assured that there are plenty of men out there who would love to be on the other side of your fantasy, and anything that happens between consensual and willing adults is fair game.
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Re: Am I a monster?

Postby Sintara » Sun Feb 14, 2010 3:00 am

sfguy wrote:I don't think you're a monster at all. The BSDM world is full of all kinds of people, and there are men who would beg you to tie them up, blindfold and beat them senseless - and I'm not kidding.


Thank you :) I appreciate your kind words. And I agree with you about my husband. I'm not putting any pressure on him. I never did ask him to do that stuff, I just told him about my fantasies and he seemed appalled. Now I just don't talk about it to him and keep it in my head like you said.
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