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Transitioning into submission. Second guessing.

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Transitioning into submission. Second guessing.

Postby CheddarCH » Mon Nov 02, 2015 2:49 am

Hello,

I am in my first D/s relationship that is slowly spreading beyond the bedroom into other areas of life. I like it. I enjoy following rules, pleasing and being dominated. I feel protected, taken care of, and that I found who I am. On some days that is. On other days I resent doing my tasks. I recently skipped doing what I was told to because I did not feel like it. Then a few days later I am back into my sub mode and feel happy there. Very confused.

How do you build your D/s relationships and handle these moments of unwillingness? Is it normal? Of course, there were factors that influenced my mood and took the focus off my role as a sub. But won't there always be something (job, children, family issues) that will bother you to one degree or another?

If you are a sub, how do you get over/deal with these moments? If you are a Dom, do you punish your sub?
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Re: Transitioning into submission. Second guessing.

Postby MJH2013 » Wed Nov 04, 2015 10:41 pm

Hello CheddarCH, I;m sorry you are having problems in your first BDSM relationship and I hope that my advice will be of some assistance in resolving these problems.

At the beginning of my BDSM relationship with my submissive, she had similar moments where she would not want to submit and then would eventually fall back into role and be quite confused. Her submissive lapses (if this behavior can be called that) tended to happen more when she was away from me and with repeated and daily commands (ie shaving, completing position training if she was assigned it, making time in her schedule to talk to me, etc.) than when we were together or having a scene. Additionally, she hasn't really had this problem in a while as we determined that part of the reason why she was having difficulty submitting was that she was not getting what she needed from her submission-- or at least she wasn't getting what she needed fro, her submission all the time. She found her daily tasks to be pointless because they were not very pleasing to me and eventually I (as well as her) came to find some of them tiresome to both ask about and assign. She found it difficult to find time to talk to me because our conversations didn't allow her to submit to me when she wanted to and thus she did not necessarily want to talk to me all the time. She forgot to shave (on several occasions) because shaving is time-intensive for her and spending all that time shaving used to stress her out, because she determined that if she wasn't going to see me (and thus there was little to no chance of her disobedience being discovered) that she didn't have to follow my regulations, and because she was unsure how much her following my regulations actually pleased me. In short, she disobeyed because she did not deem it necessary to obey my commands for a variety of reasons, but all these reasons came down to the fact that she was somewhat insecure in her submission to me because I was not completely giving her what she needed- reassurance that she was being pleasing and a look into my own feelings on her obedience. I'm not sure how much of that relates to your current situation, but that has been my experience with my submissive "acting out" and disobeying my commands or not wanting to be submissive. She was fighting against her submission unconsciously because she wasn't comfortable accepting it totally without getting what she needed. Once she got exactly what she needed (and we transitioned to a 24/7 BDSM relationship) this is no longer a problem. She is not only willing and able to serve but proud of her submission as well-- she doesn't just like it, it defines who she is as a sexual being.

In regards to your situation, I do think what you're feeling is normal and I am pretty sure that this kind of resistance to the idea of submission derives from a variety of different places. Maybe you aren't fully comfortable with submission due to the Western-societal idea that individuals should be independent and not be submissive to their partners. Perhaps you are having doubts about the final destination of your relationship and need to understand where the spread of this relationship ends. Or maybe you feel like there's something missing from your relationship and need to feel more secure in your submission to be more comfortable with it. Or it could even be that you are not necessarily suited to always be submissive 24/7-- some people aren't and it's okay if you're one of them. Regardless, you need to talk to your Dominant about this. It's important that your Dominant understand your feelings about the relationship and your Dominant cannot help you if he or she doesn't know there's a problem. Additionally, honesty and communication are extremely important in a BDSM relationship. If your Dominant doesn't know there's a problem with your submission, what happens when he or she tells you to do something during one of those times when you just don't want to submit? What happens if you suddenly stop wanting to submit during a "scene" or while your Dominant is playing with you? It's absolutely vital that you talk to your Dominant about this. Even if your Dominant is inexperienced with relationships, he or she can likely help you work through your fears and can provide assistance while you attempt to tackle this problem.

As for your question directed to Dominants, I'm not exactly sure what you're asking here. Your entire post is about how you as a submissive sometimes do not feel like submitting, but you don't specifically mention whether or not your final question is related to this situation. As such, I shall answer your question both as it pertains to your situation and in general. Yes, I do punish my submissive- although I prefer to think of it as "disciplining" moreso than punishing. And yes, if my submissive decided that she did not want to submit, she would be disciplined for it.I would talk to her first, attempt to resolve the issue as best I could, and then discipline her but she would still be disciplined. You refused to complete tasks that you were asigned to complete because you did not feel like doing them. In my book, that's not a good enough excuse, because you're right something always does get in the way but your conflict did not render you physically unable to complete your task. It just made you not want to. I would be more understanding if my submissive mentioned that she was not feeling like completing a task if she did so: 1. As soon as the task was assigned (which would give us time to talk about it and time to either work her through her issues or time to think of a new task), 2. As soon as possible before she was slated to complete the task should she have a conflict (eg. work, school) or a valid excuse (eg. family visits, forced to work overtime, etc.) or 3. After the task is completed (which means that she has fulfilled my desires for her and that we can talk about why she didn't want to do the command as it was assigned and work through the problems together). If my submissive was to not complete a task, wait a few days, and then inform me that she did not complete a task she would be disciplined unless she had a very good excuse both for why she did not complete the task and for why she did not tell me sooner (as I value honesty. Her keeping this a secret from me violates my trust). Based on your situation, I would say that my submissive would be disciplined as she does not have a valid excuse, and was not honest with me. After I completed her discipline, I would talk to her about what happened again, help her come up with ways that she can avoid this happening again and reassure her that I am not angry or displeased with her anymore. But, that's my opinion on the matter. If you want to know if you should be disciplined or want to know your Dominant's perspective on this (provided that you do not have it already) I recommend that you ask him or her. And if you disagree with his or her opinion for whatever reason, I think a conversation is in order about what exactly "disobedience" implies (if your Dominant chooses to punish you for disobedience of course).

Best of luck and best wishes with resolving this issue,

-MJH
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Re: Transitioning into submission. Second guessing.

Postby CheddarCH » Sat Nov 07, 2015 5:17 am

Hello MJH2013,

Thank you for your reply. Everything you mentioned applies to my situation to a various degree, and I feel better that what I experience is not unique. My Dom and I do not live together, but are in a committed relationship. The lapses occur when we are apart. I talked to him the other day about it and about my perspective on the nature of D/s dynamics, rules and punishment. As we were talking, I realized that I lapsed not because there would be no way for him to know - I would tell, even if late, as not telling is violation of trust which is the basis of the relationship. I lapsed because the consequence would be "funishment," and at the moment I didn't care much about getting it. If not that, then there would be something else that I enjoy. For my Dom this is the first D/s relationship that spreads outside the bedroom. He enjoys leading and being in charge, but he is not very comfortable disciplining me where it would feel real.

That being said, it also dawned on me after our conversation that not punishment but respect to Dom and the existing agreement make up the real motivation for a sub. I gave control over certain areas of my life and by breaking the rules I essentially claim that control back, thus ruining the dynamics that we agreed upon and both enjoy. That thought has been more motivating than any punishment I got (or didn't get) so far!
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